A Good Marriage(123)

I am making a statement here today about this situation because I love my wife, Sarah, and she asked me to. So maybe this whole thing can be resolved without a trial. We’ve been together for more than thirty years and Sarah is everything to me. We have a good marriage. I love my sons, too. What happened was a terrible, terrible accident. But it was an accident. Obviously, I didn’t kill anyone.

Amanda and I were friends. Close friends. She got to know my wife, Sarah, first. Over time we developed feelings for each other. I didn’t mean for that to happen and it doesn’t change how much I love Sarah. Some things you just can’t control. Over months, Amanda and I started doing little things for each other to express our affection. Amanda would buy me thoughtful gifts and I did things to help her because her husband was never around. He’s an asshole, that guy. Anyway, for months our relationship got closer in this secret special way. It made me feel good about myself. Amanda made me feel good.

But then Sebe, this other friend of ours—I think maybe he was trying to get in between us. He has an open marriage. And I couldn’t let that happen.

I didn’t even plan on seeing Amanda that night or going to the party. But then my basketball game got canceled and I went for a few drinks and one thing led to another. I ended up leaving with one of the other guys who I think has some kind of drinking problem. He wanted to rest on a bench on the way to Sebe and Maude’s because he was so wasted and ended up passing out. So I left him there and went myself. I was just going to stop by the party. I didn’t want Sarah to see me because she’d spend the whole night dragging me around to talk to people. I love my wife, but so does everyone else. I just wanted to see Amanda and I did, but then somebody told me later she’d disappeared upstairs with Sebe. I’ll admit I kind of snapped.

I knew if I sent her a couple texts she’d go home. I just wanted her to see that she needed me. I thought if I created a little situation where Amanda got scared, I could take off and then come right back to her rescue. Luckily, I happened to have a few things with me in my gym bag that I could use so she wouldn’t know it was me. That’s what I mean—obviously I thought she’d be fine after. Otherwise why would I care if she knew it was me?

None of it happened the way it was supposed to, though. Amanda completely freaked out. Started hitting me. We were on the stairs at the time. I had to defend myself. And then she just fell. It was an accident. She hit her head on the railing. And then she came to and stood up and slipped. She hit her head again on the stairs. That kept happening. A bunch of times. Until finally she stopped moving. There was so much blood everywhere.

I panicked and ran. I was going to call an ambulance but all I could think about was my family. I really do love Sarah more than anything. I have never been unfaithful to her. Unlike Sebe and all the other guys who go to that swapping party, I would never have sex with another woman.

After I left Amanda’s house, I ran toward the park to pull myself together. That was when I saw Amanda’s earring hooked on my sleeve and some blood on the back of my hand. I was careful to walk around everything, but I must have brushed the wall trying to get down the stairs. My friend was still passed out. I could see him up ahead, his leg hanging over the end of the bench. So I stuck Amanda’s earring in his pocket, and put a little blood on his shoe. I was panicked like I said, not thinking clearly. And he didn’t do it anyway. I knew the police would figure that out eventually. All I could think about was my family. And doing what I had to, to protect them.

The above statement was given freely and voluntarily by me. I have read the above statement and it is true and correct to the best of my knowledge.





Lizzie





JULY 15, WEDNESDAY


Sam was waiting outside Young & Crane’s office building when I finally got back from Rikers. He had a small duffel bag on the bench next to him. Sunglasses on, his face turned toward the setting sun. He’s leaving me, I thought.

Sad. That was how I felt. Sad that Sam wanted to leave. Sad that I knew it might not be the worst thing for either one of us. Where could we possibly go from here? So much damage done. Sam had admitted he could have been unfaithful. I had believed him capable of murder. I’d been desperate to prove it wasn’t true, sure. But I had entertained the possibility. And what of the things I had done? All the times I had turned a blind eye to Sam’s drinking under the guise of loving him. Not to mention all my own lies.

I sat down next to Sam. I closed my eyes, too, and turned my own face toward the sun. We sat there like that, side by side in the glow. Silent, for a long time. Finally Sam reached over and took my hand.

“Going somewhere?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s ninety days to start. That’s the minimum.”

I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. “Really?”

“It’s all arranged. I called my mom. She’s paying. And, you know, she was surprisingly kind about it. In that noncommittal way of hers. Not sure she’ll actually tell my father. But maybe that’s for the best,” Sam said. He sighed. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I’m sorry … about everything.”

I squeezed Sam’s hand. “Me too.”

“I’m going to fix this,” Sam went on. “Or at least, I’m going to fix me. I promise.” Sam hesitated, looked down. “I promise to try.”