A Dirty Business (Kings of New York #1)(62)

“Stop worrying about her. Leo and me, we’ll check in on her every day. I ain’t married, and neither is he. We’re old bachelors, know this is how it’ll be for us for the rest of our life. We got some extra time carved in our daily. He and I both care about her. I been taking care of your mama since we were in sixth grade. This ain’t no different, but you’ll just know I’m watching over her. You step back. Stop worrying about her, and do your thing. We got her. We’ll have your back on this.”

The thought of not worrying about her? Because she weighed on me. Every day. I gave up a long time ago trying to get her to stay sober, but I got her to stop going out. She drank at home. She was a danger only to herself that way, but even in that way, there was only so much I could do.

She hated me, blamed me for everything wrong in her life.

Maybe it was for the best.

I jerked my head in a stiff nod. “Fine.”

His eyes closed, and his shoulders slumped down. “We’ll let you know when we need you with her, but it’ll be a while. We’re going to try and work on her, get her into a sober house or something. We’re not just going to check on her—we’re going to try and help her.”

Right. Because that’s not what I’d been doing. They’d do better.

That burned. But, fuck.

I was blinking back stupid annoying tears, and my throat was rubbing up against a knife in there, but it was what it was.

They’d help her. They’d do what I never could.

My voice was rough when I grated out, “Thank you, Bear. I appreciate it.”

“She—”

I was gone before I could hear any more. I needed to leave.

I raised a hand as I sailed through the kitchen. “Great night, Tony!”

He said something in return, a jovial greeting, but I didn’t hear. There was a pounding in my ears as I went back to the main area and found my table. I’d left my coat there.

Val was asking me something, but I couldn’t hear her either.

There was a wall of emotion stuck between me and everyone else, and their voices were all muted.

I said something. Again, no clue what it was, but I made sure to scan all of their faces. The guys who didn’t know me gave a grin and nod my way. Only Val wasn’t buying it. And Brian. His gaze was clear, watching me intently, and his eyebrows dipped just slightly together.

I gave a wave, put down some cash for my share, and started to leave.

I was out of the door, halfway through the parking lot, before I realized someone had followed me.

“Jess—hey! Jess.” A hand touched my arm, and I whirled around, my arm up to block them, when I saw it was Brian.

He put his hands up in surrender, stepping back, but he zipped up his jacket. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he raised his chin up to me. “What’s going on with you?”

I looked past him to the door. “Val coming after me too?”

He frowned but shook his head. “She saw I was coming, so she stayed. What’d Bear want? What’s going on?”

I shifted on my feet, feeling a restlessness inside of me.

Maybe I should tell him. Brian was a good guy, but dammit. There was a distant understanding between us, and that was the key word. Distant.

No. I couldn’t share. That’d be wrong. He and I didn’t do emotional shit like that, but I was giving him a different sort of eyeing now. The one-night stand I’d been intending to do but had been too chicken to follow through with. Brian. I could use him for that.

I started to reach for him before I realized I’d made my decision.

I took hold of his jacket, pulling him to me, when his head jerked to the side. He didn’t move except for his hand snaking out and grabbing hold of mine, now on his jacket. He just held me there, giving me that intense stare, and then he moved in a flash.

His body hit mine, and his lips were on mine, and I was being pushed back against the truck behind us.

Yes. Yes. Yes!

Heat surged up in me, but then no. No. No.

A foreign and alien feeling came over me.

I knew his lips. My body started to respond to them, but another rejection surged up in me.

This wasn’t the mouth I wanted on mine, the body against mine.

I tried kissing him harder, forcing it. He responded by gripping the back of my head, his mouth opening over mine, and his tongue slipped in.

No!

I moved him back, my mouth hanging open, because what had I just done? Why? Why not him?

He was a better fit for me.

I could keep going with this life how I wanted with him.

But my body was shaking, and a coldness invaded me.

“What’s wrong?” He was panting a little bit. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”

Yes, but not him.

I felt hollow once again, and I was starting to think I’d always be hollow.

“It was, but . . . I’m a mess right now. I gotta go home.” I waved a hand toward him. “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

He flinched before stepping back again. “Didn’t think we were like that, but okay. I can take a hint.” He began walking back to the bar. “Take care of yourself, Jess.”

I started after him. “Brian—”

He ignored me, the door slamming shut behind him.

Goddamn. I was making a mess of everything around me.