Within These Walls (The Walls Duet #1)(42)

He took a seat in the chair that he’d used as a bed for the last several nights. I took the small cup of rice in my hands. It was lightly buttered, but otherwise, it was tasteless. I took a hesitant bite and nearly moaned. It could have tasted like cardboard, and I would have still loved it. Lack of food had greatly reduced my pickiness over hospital food in that moment. Three bites in, I realized the room was dead quiet. I glanced up to find Jude watching me with hooded, intense eyes.

“Do you always make those noises when you eat? I don’t recall that from our lunch date. I think I’d remember a moan like that escaping your lips.”

“Um…” was all I managed as a comeback.

His mouth turned into a wolfish grin, and he chuckled. “You’re blushing again.”

“Well, how can I not when you say things like that?” I said, finally finding the ability to speak.

I picked up a packet of crackers and chucked it at his head. He laughed hard and caught them in midair. He then proceeded to tear open the clear plastic package, and he stuffed an entire saltine into his mouth, giving me a goofy grin as he did it.

“So, give me a few more from the Someday list.” He crammed the last cracker into his mouth.

It made me wonder how long it had been since he had a decent meal. I made a mental note to ask Grace to pull a few strings and get him some food. For now, I had to make do with what I had. I handed over the applesauce I had no intention of eating, and he gave me a wary look. When I pushed it further into his hand and raised my eyebrows, he relented and closed his fingers around the plastic cup. I tossed him a spoon and then reached over to the drawer next to me to grab the worn notebook I kept in there.

“What number is it going to be today?” I cracked the spine to once more find the handwritten list I’d meticulously created over the years.

He studied me as his gaze narrowed. My attention drifted to the page in front of me, and my heart fluttered at seeing the first thing I’d written on the list so long ago.

“Twenty-five.”

I breathed out a sigh of relief, but I felt myself turn instantly pink at the mere mention of that particular number. It wasn’t number one, but it was an important one, and I’d drawn a dark red line through it just days earlier.

“It’s been crossed out,” I said, unable to look up at him. God, will I ever grow up?

“What was it?” he asked, his voice low and husky.

“Be kissed until I’m breathless.”

I met his gaze, and the corners of his mouth turned upward into a cocky grin, revealing just the slightest hint of that single dimple on his cheek.

“Fifty-one.”

I couldn’t help the small smile that formed on my lips as I found that particular one. “Have an entire conversation in only text messages.”

“So, you want to be a teenage girl for a day?” he joked.

“Come on, Jude!” I whined, tossing my napkin at him.

He ducked, and I heard a soft chuckle escape his beautiful lips.

“Sorry, I just don’t get it. Being able to hold a conversation with you without your nose buried in a phone is one of the most appealing things about you.”

My eyebrow arched in amusement.

Do I have horns I’m unaware of?

Not having a cell phone is my most appealing feature?

“Okay, not one of the most. There are several—no, hundreds of other things I find much more appealing, sexy even. Shit, I’m digging myself into a hole here. Just put me out of my misery and take over?”

I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to stifle the laughter bubbling up. “It’s just one of those things that normal people do. They have conversations over emails and text messages. They share secrets and inside jokes that no one else knows about because nothing was uttered outside of cyberspace. I think people feel bolder with their words when they are hiding behind a keyboard. I guess I just wonder what it would be like.”

“To be bolder with your words?” he asked softly. “What would you say?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never even had a cell phone. I probably wouldn’t be able to type more than three words without messing something up.”

I tried to dismiss the topic with a wave of my hand.

But he persisted as he asked, “If you could ask me anything in a text message without fear of those cheeks blushing or my reaction, what would you ask?”

I knew what I wanted to ask him, but fear took over, and it was suddenly guiding my every move.

Would he be angry that I knew? Would it hurt him to talk about it?

Do I really want to know?

I looked into those beautiful jade eyes, and I knew I couldn’t ask about his fiancée. I wasn’t ready to know. I wasn’t jealous or angry that he hadn’t shared that part of his life with me. It was the fear that once he did, I’d be faced with something I already knew deep down. I should let him go. He deserved better than a second chance that had very little hope. The elephant in the room might have been firmly planted in the corner by this time, and we’d managed to dodge and weave around him well, pretending the possibility of my death didn’t exist, but it didn’t make it any less true.

I was selfishly allowing all this to happen, knowing he’d already lost someone before and knowing it could happen again.

“Why me?” I asked.