Wild Horses (Sadie's Montana #1)(29)
“No.”
“Where is he?”
“At … at the Caldwell ranch.”
“Really?”
Oh, just hush up now. Let it go, she pleaded silently. But Ezra was tenacious, hanging onto a subject like a bulldog with his teeth sunk into his prey.
“Bet old Richard Caldwell wasn’t happy.”
“No.”
“Can’t believe he kept him.”
“Yes.”
“You don’t really want to talk about this, do you?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.”
“You always wanted a horse, so here’s your chance.”
“Yes.”
Ezra laughed. “Yes. No. Yes. No.”
Sadie laughed with him.
“Not exactly an exciting person, am I?”
To her complete horror, Ezra stopped the horse, making sure he came to a complete stop before dropping the reins and turning to face her squarely.
“Sadie, nothing could be farther from the truth. You are on my mind, in my thoughts, constantly. I still love you with all my heart.”
Sadie went numb with disbelief as his large, gloved hands wrapped themselves tenderly around the wool fabric of her shoulders.
“If I was not an Amish person who takes his vows seriously I would crush you to my heart, Sadie, and kiss you senseless. I would. Just like in romance books. But I want to serve God first, deny myself, and pray about us and His perfect will for my life. I feel I owe that to God and to Jesus Christ who has died for me. It is the only thing that keeps me going. The Christian life, the narrow path.”
Sadie had never been so shocked in all her life. Ezra! To think he was capable of such speech, of such emotions, of such…such tenderness and…love and of shameful thought…of desire.
“Now I’ve said too much, right?”
His hands fell away and reached for the reins while a thousand words and feelings crashed through Sadie’s senses. Was this Ezra? Was Ezra able to voice these kinds of feelings?
“I’ve ruined it now, the little thread we were hanging onto. Or I was. You probably let go a long time ago.”
Sadie was still speechless, although she managed to put a hand on his arm. For what? For reassurance? For conveying regret? She didn’t know.
“Ezra, it’s quite all right. It really is. I just…didn’t know.”
“I’ve had a lot of spiritual struggles. When we dated, I was obsessed with perfection according to the Ordnung, to our walk in life. I can see so clearly why you broke up with me.”
But you’re still like that.
Sadie couldn’t keep the thought back, although she said nothing. She was more than happy to ride the remaining miles in silence. It was not entirely uncomfortable. She felt as if they had reached a truce. For now.
When they turned in the Owen Miller drive, Ezra began again.
“I’m sorry, Sadie, for that bit of …”
He laughed nervously, ashamedly.
“I guess I’m sorry for what happened between us. But a lot has happened since we broke up, and I’ve let go of my iron resolve to be the perfect Christian man. You know there is no such thing. I am a weak person and you are my weakness—my undoing. And that is the truth. I used to imagine that the more I walked perfectly with God, the more he would bless me for that and give you to me. You are all I wanted in life.”
He shook his head ruefully.
“Selfish, aren’t I? Do you know how stupid that is? I’ll be good if you give me what I want. But don’t we all sort of bargain with God in a way?”
Sadie was in disbelief again.
Ezra! Talking this way! It was mind-boggling.
“Well, here we are. I’ll be ready to take you home after the singing.”
He smiled down at her. From the light of the headlights, Sadie could see his genuine, broad smile containing more honesty than she could have ever imagined from him. Tenderly, he laid the back of his hand on her cheek, then let her go. She thought she heard him say, “So perfect.” But perhaps it was only her imagination.
Her mind reeling, Sadie made her way dizzily into the kessle-haus, or laundry room, the part of the house most families used as a catch-all for coats, boots, umbrellas, and laundry, for mixing calf starter, warming baby chicks, canning garden vegetables, or like now, for containing a gaggle of fussing girls. They were dispensing coats and scarves, giggling, leaning into mirrors to adjust coverings, swiping at stray hair, sharing secrets, and squealing with glee at the sight of a close friend too long unseen.
“Sadie! Oh, it’s been too long! Missed you terribly!”
Lydiann grasped Sadie’s gloved hands.
“What’s wrong with you? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost!”
Sadie laughed nervously, waving it off with one hand.
“No! You’re overworked imagination is seeing things as usual, Lydiann!”
“Come with me to the bathroom! Come on!”
Lydiann pulled her along, and Sadie was profoundly grateful to be in the small bathroom with only one person until she could gain a semblance of normalcy. Her hands were shaking so that she could barely fix her hair or adjust her covering. Lydiann prattled on about Johnny, her current crush, while Sadie nodded, smiled, said yes or no at the right times, and, in plain words, acted like a zombie.