Where We Belong (A Touch of Fate #1)(23)
"Where the f*ck were you when I needed you?" I shout, allowing my soul to expel six weeks worth of pain. "You f*cking abandoned me! It wasn't bad enough that I was RAPED? I was FUCKING RAPED! WAS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" My voice cracks on the last word, the tightness building up and clogging my throat.
Goddamn. Why am I so f*cking numb? I clench my fists, allowing my nails to bite into my skin, desperate to feel something...anything. I squeeze my eyes closed, releasing a fresh batch of tears and scream. I scream at everything...and nothing.
Why am I still crying? Don't people run out of tears after a certain amount of time? Was six weeks not enough time for my well to run dry?
"Harley, please. Please calm down," Levi soothes. He scoots closer, pulling me to him but I jerk away.
I don't want his goddamn pity.
“I know you're scared but we'll get through this. I promise." His voice is quiet, and even though I just pulled away, he still reaches out to rub my arm. “Please don't lose your faith in God. We're going to need him now more than ever." His eyes roam my face cautiously.
Is he f*cking kidding me? My eyes snap to his, anger and annoyance rolling off of me in waves.
"God," I scoff. "There is no f*cking God. If there was, he wouldn't have let this happen."
Levi grips my hand tightly in his. He's done that a lot lately, and I welcome the warmth that his touch brings to my cold soul.
"Harley, I know that this might not be the path that you would've chosen for yourself, but you were put on it for a reason. You can do th—"
"Path?" I yell, yanking my hands from his. "You think this is my goddamn path? You think this was my f*cking fate?"
Leaning forward, he runs a shaky hand over his face. "Yes. I do," he says hesitantly. “I know this is the last thing in the world that you want right now and I know that the circumstances aren't exactly ideal, but Harley take a step back and think about this. Think about what's grow—"
My cheeks burn and my body starts trembling as shame washes through me. "Jesus Christ, Levi! You don't think I know what's growing inside of me? Because I do. I know." I snort humorlessly, batting away another batch of tears. I can't be happy about this. He can't expect me to be happy about this. Right? Who in their right f*cking mind could ever see the good in this?
"What's growing inside of me is the spawn of an evil bastard," I hiss, inhaling sharply at my first verbal acknowledgement of my pregnancy. The reality of my words sinks in, and the thought of having a baby brings me crashing down to a new low.
Fuck! Where the hell is my f*cking rock bottom? I need to see a goddamn light somewhere in here. I can't have a baby. I don't want THIS baby.
Uncontrollable sobs wrack my body and my lungs fight the screams that have been clawing to get out. Levi wraps his arms around me tightly and simply holds me. Bringing my hands up between us, I fist them in the front of his shirt and anchor myself to the one person that has kept me from taking a flying leap out of this god-forsaken life.
I'm not sure how long he holds me. Minutes...maybe hours. Yet I still can't find the solace that I'm searching for.
"I c-can't...I d-don't want to d-d-do th-this," I choke out between sobs. "H-how can I e-e-ever love a b-baby that I d-d-don't even w-want?" Levi continues to rub soft circles up and down my back in a consistent rhythm, attempting to calm the tremors that have overwhelmed my body.
"You will love this baby,” he soothes, “because that's who you are, Harley." He pulls back, cupping my tear-stained cheeks in his hands without dislodging my tight grip from his shirt. "You will love this baby because he...or she...is a part of you. And you, Harley, are the most amazing woman I've ever known." I don't reply, simply because I just don't agree with him. I hang my head, not wanting him to see the shame on my face. I'm not amazing, I'm horrible. I'm disgusted at the thought of my unborn child, and that alone makes me a monster.
Gripping his shirt tighter, I move as close to Levi as I can get. I need the close contact right now. I need to crawl inside of him and absorb all of the warmth and love that he has showered me with over the past month. I need to absorb his unwavering faith. Burying my face in his neck, I inhale the warm scent that has become a second home to me.
"Please don't leave me," I beg, my voice cracking.
His lips are soft against the side of my head. "Never. I'll never leave you."
Pulling back, I stare at the man who literally picked me up off the ground after my brutal attack. The man who sat with me at the hospital while I had rocks dug out of the side of my face. The man who has held me and wiped away my tears countless times since that horrible night. The man who has shown me over and over again what it means to love someone, even if that love is one of friendship.
My hand is surprisingly steady as I run it up his neck and grip his jaw in my palm. I graze his bottom lip softly with my thumb and lean in, placing my lips gently against his while maintaining eye contact.
Tilting his head, he pulls back. "Harley, I—" He shakes his head slowly as if trying to comprehend what I'm doing. I can't help him out, because I don't even understand what I'm doing.
A single tear runs down the side of my face. "Please, Levi...just..." My eyes bounce between his mouth and his eyes several times.