Waiting on the Sidelines (Waiting on the Sidelines #1)(52)

My stomach was swirling. I was starting to lose the feeling in my hands, so I started shaking them out one at a time. I couldn’t seem to get a full breath, and my eyes were watering at the edges a little from my fear. I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack. I stopped at the light in the center of Coolidge and waited for it to turn green, slightly thankful for this small pause in time. I actually started talking to myself.

“You are freaking out for nothing. This is nothing new. You have been out with Reed dozens of times. You have wanted this for so long. Now you are alone with him, and he wants you to be there. Deep breath, Nolan. Deep breath.”

My pep talk seemed to work as my fingers suddenly had feeling once again. As the light turned green, I pulled through the intersection slowly, driving through town to the outskirts and onto the long road that led to Reed’s house. I could see the tall trees in the distance, and all I could hear in my ears was the beating of my heart.

I turned down his driveway and took one last deep breath as I pulled through the tree-lined lane. I saw the back of his Jeep parked up ahead by the house. I was a little confused when I saw another car pulled up behind it. My head knew it was familiar, but something inside me was keeping the recognition out of the picture. I felt my head start to shake “no” before the realization fully hit me. I was nearly pulled up behind both vehicles when Reed and Tatum came into view. Reed’s back was to me, and he was holding Tatum tightly, stroking her hair.

I punched the brakes, and my car squeaked a little as I stopped. They both turned to look at me, still in an embrace. My face stung, and there was no stopping the tears that were already running down my cheeks, leaving hot red streaks in their wake. My hair had slung forward from my abrupt stop, and Reed’s eyes were drilling right into mine. His facial expression was ghostlike, and I barely made out the word ‘no’ as he shook his head and lunged towards me.

“No, no, no, no, no,” I screamed, rolling up my window, tears flowing full on now. Reed was walking quickly towards me with his hands waving, and his face pale white. I made the mistake of stealing a glance at Tatum, who was softly smiling, almost like she was sorry for me.

Reed was coming closer, but I had managed to muster enough common sense to put my car in reverse. I was slowing pulling away when he lunged for the hood, smacking it hard with both hands. “Nolan, stop! You don’t understand, you don’t understand.” He was yelling, his face red and his muscles fully flexed. He was yelling at me, angry. Angry at me?

My emotions were a roller coaster. I flung the gears into park, swung my door open so wide it actually came back to close on my leg as I stepped out. It would leave a terrible bruise I knew, but I couldn’t seem to stop to care or check on my leg right now. I was swinging between heartbrokenly crushed and furious.

“What’s to understand? I just saw you, holding… her!” I said, gesturing to her like she was some tossed aside piece of beef at a cattle show. “How could you? How could you!”

I was spewing venom now, and I couldn’t be stopped. “What does this mean, Reed? Are you with her?”

He just stood there. Silent. Without words. He frowned slightly, looking down at his feet and then looking back up to me, shrugging. “Nolan, it’s just… it’s just that. Oh, it’s complicated, ok? You have to believe me that I didn’t want to hurt you…”

I cut him off at that, raising my hand to say ‘stop.’ This was it, I was broken now. And I wasn’t sure there would ever be a way to come back from this. I got back into my car, and just before I closed my door, I looked him right in the eyes, seething. “Go to f*cking hell!”

I spun the car around and allowed myself one last look at him in the rearview mirror. Tatum was walking up behind him, reaching out to take his hand. And still, he just stood there. Silent.




I made it home somehow in one piece, avoiding the urge to crash into everything I saw. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I wanted to exhale this pain boiling inside me. I didn’t know anything could ever hurt this badly. I managed to get inside my house before my parents were home, giving me an hour to process alone in the comfort of my room. My phone kept buzzing with texts from Reed.



Nolan, please forgive me.



Nolan, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.



Please don’t hate me.



I finally shot one back after his 15th message:



Leave me alone. I am done.



I shut my phone off and threw it into my backpack, crashing face first on my bed and curling into a ball around my favorite pillow. My tears stopped. I felt numb, and for a moment, I thought maybe I had imagined it all. But just when I would start to convince myself I would close my eyes, and as if I were watching a close up, I would see Reed’s hand cupping the back of Tatum’s head. Their bodies so close. Her face, not at all like this was a trick, but just looking at me with pity. She was pitying me.

I was going to be sick.

I ran to my bathroom and flung open the lid, dry heaving until I heard my mother’s keys on the counter in the kitchen and the sound of her high heals treading down the hall in my direction.

“Honey, are you sick? Are you ok?” she said, opening the door and finding me on the floor. As soon as I saw her, the tears started up again.

“Oh, honey. What’s wrong?” she said, pulling me into a hug. The only hug that could ever seem to fix anything. Somehow, though, I knew this time my hurt was not meant to be fixed. No. This one was mine to keep. A reminder. A lesson.