Waiting on the Sidelines (Waiting on the Sidelines #1)(104)

Silence. We both sat there soaking in my words and finally I could hear him moving a little, rustling on his phone. “You’re right,” he relented. “I’m sorry.”

“Just don’t shut me out,” I said, hoping it would really sink in.

“I’m not good at this, failing? I just…I don’t know how to not be whole. I feel stuck, and my options are all disappearing. It’s just…scary, you know?”

He was talking. I couldn’t believe I had him talking, and I was so thankful. “Yeah, I know. And it’s ok to feel scared. And I know you don’t believe me, but I know you’ll be just as good when you get your cast off. I know you can come back from this, Reed.”

He just sighed heavily. “Thanks,” he finally let out, softly. “I gotta go. But I am sorry.”

I could tell he was, but he was still not right. It was going to take some work to bring him back from the dead. But I was up for it.

“I love you,” I said just before we hung up.

“Me, too,” he responded, and my heart kicked a little not hearing the words, but I had done enough tonight. I wouldn’t push any more.



Homecoming had arrived and Sienna, Sarah and I were prepping the gym and the classrooms for our senior lock-in. Reed and I were still strained, but I was forcing him to talk more, and he wasn’t giving up. His cast was set to come off next week and he was determined to work hard and maybe get in one regular season game in. It looked like the Bears might just make the playoffs, but barely.

Tonight’s game was an important one. We still had a shot without winning, but the door would close just a little more. Reed had been working with Kyle all week, studying game tape from the Yuma games so he’d be ready for the pass rush. I impressed Reed a little knowing what that was.

He had come over for dinner last night and for a brief few hours we felt like we were back to where we were. He snuck holding my hand under the dinner table and even gave me a passionate kiss goodnight before he went home. He sent me a text to have sweet dreams, too, and I had looked at it about a dozen times today.

When things looked about set, I walked Sienna over to the band room before the game. I needed some alone time with her, and between her dating Micah and Sarah being with us most of the time, I hadn’t had a chance to let her in my head much lately.

“So, you wanna tell me what’s going on or do you just want me to guess?” Sienna was so intuitive.

I smiled at her and nudged her shoulder a little with mine while we walked slowly through the halls. “Things are…” I didn’t know how to classify my relationship. We had a few good moments, but on the whole, my relationship was failing, fighting for air. Reed hadn’t touched me intimately since the accident and even his kisses felt forced. “We’re sort of stuck. Since the accident. Reed’s so depressed, and I can see it. And he just won’t let me in. What’s worse is he’s taking it out on me. Sienna, I feel like his arm is my fault somehow…”

This was the first time I’d said out loud what I’d been thinking all along. I was there when it happened, and if Reed hadn’t been driving me through the desert at that time, he wouldn’t have had that accident. He was taking me home from his mother’s damn party, and she’d been hateful. But he was making me feel loved, and then everything changed.

“Nolan, you know that’s crazy, right?” Sienna was staring at me. I just shrugged. “OK, this is going to take more than just a short talk on my way to band. Come in with me.”

I followed her into the dressing room and helped her unpack her uniform and get changed. There were a lot of pieces to her uniform and it was weird being in the changing room while 30 other girls were all throwing jackets, jumpers, feathers and buckles around, trying to change before the game. Always the multi-tasker, Sienna laid her wisdom on me while she got ready.

“One, and most important, this isn’t your fault. A bad thing happened, Noles. A really bad thing. That’s all. It’s shitty and it’s terrible and it’s been miserable for Reed, but it was a bad thing that happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could have done differently,” she was lecturing me now, but I was prepared to listen. I just nodded.

“Good. OK, now that we have that down, I’m going to say something you’re not going to like, but I’m saying it because I love you like a sister,” she stood serious and moved to the side so we were a little away from everyone else, more private. I was nervous at what she had to say as I was pretty sure she was going to say everything I’d been thinking.

“Reed is being a bit of an ass and you need to call him out on it,” she read my thoughts. “I get that he is going through something horrible, and I get his fear, but he’s taking it out on you. That’s not fair, Nolan, and it isn’t healthy. I see you two. You walk around like you’re in a trance. And he’s not there for you, not really.”

I just nodded, my eyes watering a little because I knew it all. “Nolan, he’s got to fix this on his own, get his head on straight and get out of his funk. If he doesn’t, he’s always going to blame you, but only because you’re there. You’re an easy target, and you’re just taking it.”

I sucked in a sharp breath of air because I knew what she was going to say next. “Nolan, he’s going to keep lashing out until you leave. And you might have to. I’m not saying that you can’t find your way back, fix this freaking all-consuming relationship you and Reed have been in for what seems like forever,” she was trying to be humorous to lighten the load she just threw on me. I adored her for it, but she was right. And I was glad she was here to give it to me straight.