Unconditional (Masters and Mercenaries #5.5)(44)

“And what do I owe you, man? Do I owe you whatever the f*ck this is? Some therapy session or something?”

Ryan’s eyes softened. “No, man. This is not about what you owe me. It’s about what I owe you. I’m married and happy today because you’re a manipulative *. I never thanked you for that.”

He’d simply massaged the truth a little here and there, mislead Ryan a bit in an effort to get him to see past his guilt. “So you dig into my background? That’s not how I would have treated a friend who helped me.”

“I hope you feel differently a year from now. I’ll get to the point. Ashley would like to sign another contract with you.” He slid a stack of papers his way.

What the f*ck? He stared at the papers in front of him. Ashley wanted another contract? “I don’t know that I like being a pity f*ck.”

“I am a nonviolent person, Keith,” Ashley said tightly. “But you are pushing it. Do you honestly think I would sign a D/s contract with you because I feel sorry for you? I’m doing this because I love you and I can’t stand the thought of never seeing you again. It hurts me inside, Keith. I realize that you don’t feel the same way about me. I do. I know you don’t love me, but we were good together and I kind of think you have it in your head that you can’t love anyone.”

This was his out. He saw a clear path marked exit. If he wanted to be out of Ashley’s life forever, all he had to do was shut her down now. Agree with her. Tell her he couldn’t love her. Not ever. Tell her she was a sweet girl, but not really his type. So good-bye, sweetheart. Don’t call again. Ashley would leave. Ryan wouldn’t bug him again. He wouldn’t have the nosy busybodies at the club up in his business.

It would be so much simpler. His life could go on the way it had before. No attachments. No pain. No joy. No love.

No her.

“I never said that. I never said I didn’t love you, baby. I don’t think I deserve your love.” He was so sick of simple, so sick of the emptiness his life had become since that one day. One day and he’d let it ruin a lifetime of happiness. He’d let one tragedy define him.

What if he did the same thing with one good thing? Meeting Ashley had been a turning point.

“What are your conditions?” He heard himself ask the question. He felt a little disconnected, like he was watching the scene play out but he wasn’t a part of it.

She shook her head. “There are no conditions. It’s the same contract mostly. I’ll sub for you Thursday through Saturday, although I have to get back to work in a week so I can only sub when my shift is over.”

He didn’t want that. “I’ll support you.”

She got to her knees beside him, her hand sliding over his. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sir. I can’t allow you to support me. I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable with just a D/s relationship. Not when it comes to my future.”

“Marriage is just another contract.” He should know that better than anyone.

“I know. And any contract can be broken, but I should be honest. I love you. I want to marry someday. My eyes are wide open. You might never want that. So this contract is for a year. We can look at it and negotiate again a year from now.” Her hand tightened on his. “I don’t have conditions, but I do have a request.”

Here it came. “I’m listening.”

“Sleep at my place one night a week. Have dinner with me on Sundays and spend the night and have breakfast with us Monday mornings. You’re free the rest of the week. You don’t have to see me or call me.”

God, he’d done a number on her. He flipped her hand over, threading his fingers in hers. Touching her, being close to her, made something inside him ease. “I want to see you all the time, love. I think about you every second of the day. I can’t give you the family you deserve.” His throat damn near closed up. “I’m a carrier. Do you understand what that means?”

“It means that any child you father has the chance of getting the genetic abnormality and you won’t risk it again. I do understand that and we can face that if we decide to stay together for the long haul. Keith, I want more kids, but I don’t have to give birth to them.”

“You say that now, but you could change your mind.” It was why he’d stayed away from women like her, women who would want a houseful of kids. He understood it. He longed for a kid of his own, one who looked like him. He’d grown up an only child. He wanted the connection of blood. He couldn’t have it, would never risk another child, but it was a thing he would always miss.

“That’s a risk, Keith. I can tell you I won’t regret not having another biological child all day long, but you might not ever believe me. I’m taking a risk, too. You might never want to get married. You might never ever want to be around Emily. I could give you a year of my life and get nothing in return. I’m willing to take that risk because I love you.”

“I’m damaged.”

“I still love you.”

“I’m not as strong as you.”

“I still love you.”

“I’ve been cold and cruel to people who love me.”

“I still love you. I bet they still love you, too. And if you would just give her a chance, Emily would love you. Kids don’t care that you don’t share blood with them. They love the people who love them. They love the people who teach them. They love the people who are there for them.”