Twisted Fate(26)

I remember crying for a long time after we ate the ice cream because we were still all alone. And she kept looking at me and smiling and patting my back. Like some little blond angel who showed up.

She got all the blankets off our bed. She put the big comforter under the table and she put the sheets on top of the table so they hung down and made tent flaps. And then she got inside.

“Come on in,” she whispered. “This is our secret fort.” She brought all of our toys out and set them around the table to keep guard. “C’mon,” she said. “It’s going to be fun.” And we climbed under the table.

It was so cool, even though I was afraid that our parents were gone. The fort was like our own little house. And we were making up our own rules. I crawled in and lay down and she sang to me until I fell asleep.

I loved Allyson. But I never understood why she didn’t get angry at our parents for being gone. She didn’t question anything. All she did was come up with solutions to fix things and make them better. Wait for our parents; listen to our parents. It was like her whole existence revolved around understanding what was going on with them, what they wanted, how to behave when company was there and how to be brave and cheerful when no one was there.

I used to think that she was always looking out for us. But then I had this realization that she put everyone else first. I started to think the real reason she took care of me was so that our parents wouldn’t have to. And the way she never got mad—it was just too weird. She wanted me to behave myself so everyone would think we were the perfect family. So no one would ever doubt our parents. So no attention would be drawn to the fact that they were never there. Once I figured that out there was no way I was just going to be the good girl. I wasn’t going to pretend I was happy when I wasn’t. I wasn’t going to act like everything was normal.

But she would explain things to me so that everything seemed fine even when I felt terrible. “Grown-ups have their own lives, silly.” This is how all grown-ups are.

Once I had friends and not just Ally I realized that wasn’t how most grown-ups were at all. Most people’s parents were around and wanted to know where you were and what you were doing. Not just bring you to the harbor every month or so to stand on the dock and hand them tools, or bring you to some gala where you had to dress in a complete miniature replica of the dress your mother was wearing, right down to the pearl drop earrings and pearl necklace. Ally could do that stuff and still adore our parents. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

I don’t want to think about how it turned out in the end. I don’t want to be angry. I know now why she rejected me after I came home talking about Richards and how we should come together. I know now why it scared her. Even though Ally was a force she somehow knew I was the stronger of the two of us. I wish I had understood what was going on then.

I just want to remember her that day sitting in the little fort singing me to sleep, our breath sugary and sweet from the Cherry Garcia ice cream. Our Lego castle radiant in the sunshine that shone down from the beautiful skylight. Her hand in mine beneath the table. I want to remember her from a time when I loved how good she was instead of resented it.

I want to remember that I owe it to her to take care of her. I mean I think I learned that from her. I was trying to do the right thing. The thing she would have done.

She took care of both of us back when we needed it the most.





19:24–45:00—Her talking



Dear Lined Piece of Paper,

I can hardly believe how lucky I am sometimes. This town—this neighborhood—really is full of pretty girls, but the prettiest one of all was in my car yesterday. Smiling and riding along with her hair in the breeze. It is amazing to be out driving again, especially with her, and I know I’ll soon be able to get out and do what I want. Drive fast. Drive all night, break out of this feeling like there’s something hanging over my head.

I was telling her everything. I was telling her all about living in Virginia and my dad’s work in surveillance and all about Eric. How we were going to be stars. She’s so quiet and patient and sweet and she laughs at all my jokes and it’s so good to have someone listen to me. Not listen like Dr. Adams but really listen. She told me all about her life too.

It’s hard to keep straight what she said. I think it was mostly about sailing and some school she wants to go to but I can’t remember the name of it or what she wants to study. I’ll just watch the tape of it later though, so I don’t need to remember. She told me she’s going to bake me some more blueberry muffins. That part I do remember. She’s the friendliest person I’ve ever met.

I think she is the exact right person for me to be with. Last night, the first time I rewatched the footage of her, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I do need to reposition the little camera a little when I’m wearing it on the side because some of the time her face was out of the frame and I missed some of her expressions, which are so cute I never want to miss them ever again.

I want her to come up to my room and sit and talk. I want to make plans with her about what we’re going to do.

Just knowing her makes me feel like I can go back to school. At least there would be a reason to be there. To pass her in the halls or maybe have a class with her.

She’s the most interesting person I think I have ever met. I loved talking to her in the car and I loved talking to her after when I brought her home. I love all her different expressions and the way she talks.