Twisted Fate(21)

I remembered how it was when we started school. She just became obsessed with the way people thought about her. How she dressed. What boys said to her. How they looked at her. She was always very pretty and dudes said some f*cked-up stuff to her even when she was in grade school. She started getting really self-conscious about being good. She was already like this, of course—always being good trying to get Mom and Dad’s attention or cleaning up their messes.

But I realized now that school really was the key. She somehow shrunk when we got there. Became afraid to talk in class. Almost like she was afraid to be smart. All she wanted to do was look like some perfect, clean, wholesome, rich, untouchable girl like out of an L.L.Bean catalog. And I think that’s what made me want to just tear everything apart. I think that’s what made me want to say no to everyone and be above all their bullshit by never listening. It was like I was trying to save Ally by being the anti-Ally, but I was wrong too. Just before I went in to see Richards, I’d been thinking that rules are for people stupid enough to follow them. And she had basically told me the same thing! That there aren’t any rules for how girls have to be.

I remember thinking, This will bring us together. This will bring me and Ally together.

I decided not to stay at school that afternoon and just go to the skate park by myself. I had that great Death Cab song in my head. “I want to live where soul meets body. And let the sun wrap its arms around me.” I waited until I got outside to put the board down and my headphones on. Then I cruised along the curb. The wind in my hair. I had on my black T-shirt and hoodie and my skinny jeans with the hole in the knee. My slip-on Vans were solid on the board and I felt great. I felt for a moment like I didn’t need to worry about anything. About Ally or about myself. Maybe we had a lot to teach each other. Maybe if each of us changed a little neither of us would have to be so extreme. There was no reason for us to be separate. Now that we were older and could take care of ourselves.

I wish I could go back to that feeling. I wish that feeling had been true.

When I got to the skate park, Graham was sitting in his car smoking. Apparently he hadn’t officially started school or was given some time off—still checking things out. That was weird, but sometimes kids just checked out a school for a few days before their parents made a decision about whether they would go. Especially kids like Graham whose parents could probably send him to any prep school they wanted.

He had the top down and had his feet propped up on the dash and he had headphones on too. I skated up and he acted startled, even though he was watching me the whole time.

“Is it Saturday?” I asked him.

“It must be,” he said. “We’re not in school.”

“Becky said you made another movie of her.”

“I did. And I’m making one of you right now,” he said.

I looked closely at his headphones and realized there was some kind of tiny camera attached to the one over his right ear. He wasn’t listening to music at all. He’d been filming people driving and walking by.

“I don’t want to be in your movie,” I said.

“Okay, cool.” He took the headphones off and set them down on the seat. He clicked off a tiny button with his thumbnail.

When he looked up again without the camera he seemed just for a second afraid. Very afraid, like a little kid who was all alone. Then it passed over his face and was gone.

“Got any weed?” he asked.

“I wish,” I said. “Declan’s the source there. And he’s got Model UN and then debate team after that.”

“Isn’t that weird?” Graham asked.

“What?”

“That like the school pothead is like the school valedictorian.”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t call him the school pothead. I’ve spent a good deal of time in detention with some dudes who seem to have permanent brain damage. There’s a lot of waking and baking going on.”

“Huh.” Graham nodded but it seemed like he wasn’t really listening to me. “Want to try these?” He reached in his pocket and took out two pills.

“What is it?”

“One is Adderall and the other is Xanax,” he said. “They’re both pretty hefty dosages. You take them together.”

“Are those your parents’ prescriptions?”

He shook his head.

“What do they do?”

“Make you feel like you can do whatever you want for as long as you want and nothing in the outside world can stop it.”

I laughed. “I don’t need a drug for that. I already feel that way.”

“Okay.” He shrugged, unconvinced. “But you could feel even more that way. Let me know if you ever want some.”

I hesitated for a minute. I did want some. I generally did what I wanted, but with a lot of annoyance and interference from the outside world. “Is it okay to take them both at the same time?”

“I’ve taken two of the Adderall and three of the Xanax,” he said. “It makes you feel like a champion, like you can do whatever you’re good at nonstop for like a thousand years. And you understand everything better than you would otherwise.”

“Everybody thinks they understand stuff better on weed too.” I laughed. “But they don’t.”

“Yeah, but not with this,” he said. “It’s actually made to enhance your performance. Make you focus. And then the Xanax takes the edge off. It’s just right.”