Today's Promises (Promises #2)(36)

He knows I’m right, but still he maintains, “I just don’t know about this, Jaynie.”

Flynn’s real concern is clear, and I just go ahead and say what he can’t…or won’t.

“You’re afraid I’ll backtrack even more if things don’t go well. You saw that I was making progress…until no evidence was found up in the old barn. And then it got worse when Detective Silver asked for my story and it was useless without hospital records to back up my claims.”

“Jaynie—”

“No.” I put up my hand. “Let me finish, Flynn. Let me talk it out.”

“Okay,” he whispers.

I take a breath, blow it out. This isn’t easy, but it’s time we lay it all out on the table.

“Now, you’re scared,” I say. “You’re afraid if we go back and find nothing at all, I will end up worse than ever. And really,” I scoff, “let’s face the facts. I don’t have that far to go to reach rock bottom.”

“You were way better today,” he counters, his voice so stressed, like saying it can make it true.

“Only because we were with Mandy and the twins. I’m sure I’ll feel like shit by tomorrow.”

“Jaynie, stop,” he pleads.

But I go on. I have to. “You’re worried I may eventually reach a point of no return, right?”

No response.

“You’re right, Flynn. I could. But that might happen whether we go back or not. So see, we must go back. We have to try. If the outcome is good, it’ll benefit not just the detective, but you and me.”

“And if it’s not?” he croaks out.

“I have to be honest. I don’t know.”

“Then, forget it,” he hisses.

We need to address the elephant in the room. Or car, as it were.

Softly, I murmur, “You don’t want to lose me, do you, Flynn?”

“No.” He buries his face in his hands. “Fuck no.”

I’m emotional, and so is he, but we need this all out on the table. “We’re all we have in the end,” I whisper, suppressing a sob. “And we know we can’t lose each other.”

“I’d die if I lost you,” he chokes out. He hits the steering wheel with his fist. “Mentally, physically… In any goddamn way, Jaynie, losing you will kill me.”

“But you need me whole,” I whisper. “Me f*cked up like I’ve been is no good.”

“I just want you to feel happiness again. And it seems the longer this shit goes on, and the continued bad outcomes, the more elusive that becomes. I want you to know what it’s like to not have nightmares all the time, to not feel hungry, even when you’re full. I want you to want me because you love me, not because my dick in you makes you feel full.”

“Flynn…”

“No, seriously, Jaynie. The way we’ve been living has to stop. Or at least, we need improvement.”

Defensive and feeling prickly from hearing the truth, I say, “You have issues too, Flynn.”

“I’m not saying I don’t. But f*ck me. All I care about is you. I love you. I want you to feel good again. I’d give anything, Jaynie, even my life, if it meant you’d heal.”

“Stop it,” I cry out. “Don’t even think such a thing. I’d never heal if you were gone.”

He yanks me to him, and I crawl over the center console so I can straddle him. It’s not sex we’re seeking, not today. We simply need to feel each other and be close. We are so tied together, and I realize then that his well-being is dependent on mine. I absolutely have to get my shit together. Not just for me, but for Flynn.

With my hands in his hair, I pull his head back so he has no choice but to look at me. This is me being strong, this is me fighting back. For me, but mostly for Flynn.

“I love that you have my back,” I say. “God, I love that. And I love your fierceness in protecting me. But I promise, Flynn, from here on out I’m going to be strong. It’s not going to happen immediately, and it’s not going to happen in a straight line. But I’m willing to do everything possible to heal.”

With his gray eyes watery, he says, “Promises are tricky things, Jaynie. You haven’t forgotten that, have you?”

“No. But I won’t fail you. Not on this. However, it has to start with going back to the Lowry house, especially now that we have this new lead. I’m going at this head-on. And I need to you to do that, as well.”

There’s something else I want to do back on that property, something that can only happen up in our secret spot, up by the cliffs and in the ring of trees. For now, though, I keep that desire quiet.

At last relenting, Flynn finally agrees. “Okay, Jaynie, We’ll go back.”

I release a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Let’s give this all a purpose,” I throw out, “something beyond healing. Let’s make this about closure, for everyone. Let’s find justice for Debbie, and get this case solved for the detective.”

He chuckles. “You realize you’re starting to sound like you’re the detective on the Canfield case.”

“I feel like it some days,” I joke. But then, in a more serious tone, I add, “Maybe I should think about becoming some kind of an investigator someday.”