The You I've Never Known(97)
Every once in a while Jason calls, just to taunt me. He doesn’t use his own phone, if he even has one. Because he’s now in violation of court orders, I can involve law enforcement. The few times they’ve managed to trace his calls, the phones he made them from came back as stolen. Big surprise. And they’ve been from different parts of the country.
Which makes me wonder. You should be in kindergarten. But did he even let you start school? I worry about that because school would be one way to find you, so he might not enroll you. But you have to go, you must. You are such a bright little girl. Are you reading? Do you love books? Can you use a computer?
I finally learned. I had to for school. Tati and I moved to Phoenix a year ago. She transferred to Arizona State University, and I’ll start there next year. Right now, I’m on track to get my associate of arts degree in communications at the end of the current semester. I’ve still got my eye on a career as a sportscaster, and it’s my plan to get my bachelor’s in communications at ASU. That won’t assure my dream job, but at the very least, it will help me find work in a related field.
Meanwhile, I’ve got a marketing position at a local TV station. It isn’t on-air, but it does allow me access to the newsroom, where I’m making friends. I’m targeting the assignment editors, one of whom might one day allow me a shot at reporting, or maybe even doing live broadcasting from a Cardinals or Diamondbacks game. I’ve let them know I’m interested if there’s ever an opening, and as a station employee, I’ve got an “in.”
One thing I’m discovering is the value of relationships, both professional and personal. Sometimes I go out after work with people from the station, most of whose company I do enjoy, although a few are fueled by superegos. You have to massage their overinflated self-esteems, though, because they are the ones with the most power to either help or hinder your own goals. A few know about you, Casey, and I’ve asked them to alert me if a news story relating to Jason happens across their desk.
On the personal side, Auntie Tati and I are more than just friends now. We’re partners. It took some time for me to accept the idea of commitment again. Your father (not going to call him your daddy anymore) totally destroyed my trust supply, which was never very big anyway. Tati had to work really hard to rebuild it, and thank God for her patience. Accepting love is hard, but she’s taught me how worthwhile it is.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if you could redecorate your past? How I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away three years of my life—given them to a man whose heart was black and intentions were evil. I won’t say I wish I never got pregnant, because that feels like I’d be jinxing you. You deserved life. But I deserved to keep you in my life, too.
I’ll never give up looking for you, hoping for some small clue that will reunite us, mommy and daughter, together again. You know what I do sometimes? I comb obituaries, searching for the name Jason Baxter. Is it awful to yearn for someone’s death? I suppose it is. Tati tells me to quit, that bitterness makes people old. But how can I not be bitter?
Oh, Casey, do you even remember your mommy? I think about you every single day. Sometimes I cry for you at night. Your baby blanket? I keep it folded under my pillow, unwashed because it still holds the faint scent of you.
Through the relentless motion of time, I discovered a certain momentum and attained goals far beyond any I thought within reach. The haunts of my past played a role in that, drove me into a comfortable present, at least as measured by personal success.
September 11, 2006
It’s your birthday, darling Casey. I hope wherever you are whoever you’re with is celebrating your day in a big way. I know you might never see these updates, but I decided to write them on your birthday so I’ll always remember to do them. I’ll never forget the importance of this day. Or give up on spending future birthdays with you.
Not a whole lot has changed in the past year and a half, except I did start at ASU, which added a lot of work to my already busy life. But it will be worth it in the long run. Oh, I am doing some weekend reporting at the station, which means now I have to keep in shape so I look svelte on camera. Svelte. Cool word, yeah? And whoever would have thought I’d use it in reference to myself?
Doesn’t matter. I look good enough for Phoenix, apparently. It’s weird, but I actually get come-on e-mails from viewers. Men, of course. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes from that. Once I was pretty watery about my sexual identity, and even now I can’t say I’m not attracted to good-looking men.
Who knows? Had I been attracted to the right man, rather than the handful I dated (especially your father), maybe I’d be married to one, and have a passel of kids to care for. I loved being a mommy. Don’t know what kind of mother I’d have made. Some people believe ambition is a bad thing for a woman to own. I don’t know what to think. All I know is Tati is more than enough “partner” for me. I just wish you were here, too.
September 11, 2007
Happy birthday, nine-year-old. You must be getting so big. Are you tall? I never mentioned it, and you surely can’t remember this, but your mommy (that’s me!) is five foot eleven. That’s pretty tall. Tati calls me Everest when she wants to tease me, though that’s kind of a stretch. Ha. Get it?
I’ve got one more year to finish up my communications degree. Tati is ahead of me. She got her criminal justice degree last year and is taking special coursework to become a credentialed victims’ advocate. She wants to help people, and she says I inspired that desire. She watched me suffer because I lost you. Can you imagine how many people like me there are in the world?