The You I've Never Known(95)

But Santa is coming soon, so we’ve put up a tree. We can’t afford lots of ornaments, so I bought a few and made a whole lot more. Who knew your mommy was crafty? Tatiana knew, that’s who. It’s not like you care that popcorn strings circle the tabletop pine instead of tinsel. You love the little twinkling lights, and seeing you smile at them makes everything else worthwhile.

Right now you and Boo are napping together on a big quilt spread across the floor. Both of you are snoring, and that makes Tati laugh. I love the way she laughs. It reminds me of times we spent together when we were still in high school. I dropped out so I could escape my mom, but Tatiana stayed, and now she’s at the University of Texas in Austin. She wants to be a teacher.

Tati says I can get my GED and go to college, too, that she’ll help me figure it out. We’re going to make a secret plan because your daddy wouldn’t support me in this. He’s happy with me making minimum wage at the commissary.

But here’s the thing, my beautiful angel. That’s not good enough. Not for me, and definitely not for you. I don’t have to give you the universe, but I want to share the world with you. One day we’ll travel to Paris together, and to Rome, and Japan and Argentina, or wherever you have the hankering to see. (One day I’ll quit using words like hankering. There’s still too much Texas in me.)

Allow me to revise. One day you and I will travel wherever your heart desires. (Yes, much better, if a little cliché.) Until then, I’m making plans, and our dear auntie Tati is coaching me. It might sound like I’m being selfish, but everything I’m striving for revolves around you. Okay, we can include Boo, too.

Funny, but I’ve never owned a dog, though I always wanted to. One time I begged my mom to let me keep a stray who found me on the playground. She took it to the pound, which pretty much sums up the way Mom felt about suffering creatures, despite claiming to be a caring Christian. (In case you’re wondering, Scientology has nothing to do with God.)

But we’ll take extra-good care of Boo to make up for that, and I don’t give a darn what your daddy says. Next to you and Tati, that little pup means everything to me. I wish every person in the world had a beautiful child, a lovable dog, and a stellar best friend to love. That would be the merriest Christmas ever.





December 2001


What has he done? Where have you gone? How could he do this? To you? To me? Maybe he’ll change his mind. Bring you back. How can I find you? Why would he take you away from me? I’m your mommy. You’re my baby. He’s ripped me in two.

I was doing just what he asked, working cash registers at the commissary, when your daddy picked you up from daycare. Told Miss Paula he was taking you to visit your grandparents. He loaded you in the car and drove away without saying a word. He took my puppy, too.

I went by Miss Paula’s after work, like I always do, but you weren’t there. I didn’t know about any trip. I got scared and hurried home. But you weren’t here, either. The house was empty, Casey. No Jason. No Boo. No you. Just a note on the dresser where your clothes used to be, bragging that I’d never see you again. I gave a copy to the investigators, but I’ll put the original here in your book, where it will be safe.

See, your daddy was supposed to deploy to Afghanistan in a week. For such a big, tough guy, he was freaking out, even though as a mechanic he probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere near the front lines. I think his whole excuse for running off was nothing but a lie, no matter how close to truth some of it might have been.

Oh, Casey. Where are you? You’ve been missing for two days now, and nobody cares except Tati and me. I’ve called everyone, pounded on doors—military police, Jason’s commanding officer, off-base cops, even the FBI. No one will help. The problem, they say, is he’s your father. Like it or not, he has the right to take you away from me, at least until I can see a judge about custodial rights. By then, who knows where you’ll be? Oh, Casey. My baby.

Your daddy’s in big trouble when they catch him. He’s AWOL now. More than twenty-four hours without reporting for duty makes him absent without leave. For some totally messed-up reason, the fact that he kidnapped you doesn’t matter as much to the base authorities as his hitting the road without permission. The longer he’s gone, the worse it gets. After thirty days, he’s an official deserter.

Oh God, why didn’t I leave sooner? Tatiana and I planned for me to move in with her once your daddy deployed. He must’ve guessed that part after he found your auntie Tati and me in what some people might call a compromising situation. It was only a kiss, I swear. Nothing dirty. Nothing ugly. I just needed to feel loved. Not like furniture, the way Jason makes me feel.

I’ve been in love with Tati since I was twelve, but no way could I ever do anything about it when I was living at home. Then after I met your daddy, I believed I could hide that seed of me, bury it so deep it could never sprout again, never take root and grow. But if love is real, you can’t bury it, Casey. You can’t. I tried to explain that to your daddy, and swore that no matter what I’d stay married to him, stay true to him, but he knew those were lies.

I just wanted to make a home filled with happiness for you. Joy. We would never have experienced it living with your daddy. And now what will I do? I can’t stay here very long, but what if he changes his mind, brings you back, turns himself in? I have to be here.