The Story of Me (Carnage #2)(64)

I tell everyone I have, but it’s a lie and it hurts. It hurts so f*cking much and that makes my tears start again. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I only lost my ability to carry a baby. Sean lost his life, and it’s moments like this that I wish I had too, but I didn’t and like I told Marley on the phone, I will carry on. With the help of my family, I will move forward. I was moving forward and then I stupidly got drunk and shit faced and sent that text to Cam, and then I made the mistake of going to Sydney. Then there’s the Jodie, Roman and Cam f*ck up. What are the chances of that? As my dad would say, my luck’s poxed, absolutely, f*cking poxed. I’ve never really known what it means, but it seems appropriate right now.

I draw in a breath and launch myself out of bed. I’ve faced worse in my life, haven’t handled it too well, but I’m still here to tell the tale, so I will move on from Cam’s deceit and let it be another lesson learned. Exactly like Roman not telling me about his relationship with Jodie. I’ve once again realised that I can trust no one, and that’s exactly how I plan to live the rest of my life.

I stand in the shower on the plane, contemplating all of this, once again getting angry with myself when I cry over the fact that Cam lied to me. Despite all of my wrong doings, that’s one thing I always thought Cam and I had between us, honesty. I told him from the start that I was still in love with Sean. Okay, I didn’t tell Cam that I was also in love with him, but I didn’t realise it myself for a long time. I did tell him further down the track, and I told him again last night that I am in fact, still in love with him. Finding out he has a pregnant girlfriend hasn’t changed that fact. All it’s done is hurt me yet again. My entire life seems to consist of hurt, pain and heartache. I’m sure I can handle a little more being thrown my way.

I step out of the shower, look at myself in the mirror and burst into tears. I’m totally kidding myself. I’m in love with Cameron King and over the last few weeks, Jackson has helped me realise that fact, and stupidly, it would now seem, I had allowed him to become a symbol of hope. I had no idea I was going to bump into him Saturday night, but I had planned on getting in touch with him once I was back in England to try to work out exactly what my feelings were for him. After seeing him Saturday and talking to him the way I did, I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I love him. I’ve always loved him. I’m one of those people, it would seem, who can love two people at once. I’ve loved Sean my entire life and I’ve loved Cam for the last twelve years. Whether it’s right or it’s wrong, it’s a fact. It must also be something in my nature that makes me unable to stop loving someone. I’ve never stopped loving Sean and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving Cam, which basically leaves me f*cked for ever loving anyone else and I hate that thought. I don’t want a life without love. There’s something in me and I assume it’s the same for most humans, that makes me want to love and to be loved. I never want to go back to the detached sex I had in my past, never. It was horrible and hurt me much more than it healed. What I had with Roman was okay. At least we connected as friends and we definitely connected physically; he was hot and just one look woke up my sleeping libido, but that’s all it was, a friendly f*ck. I’ll always be grateful for the fact he helped me realise I was capable of moving on to some degree, but he’ll never mean more to me than a friend.

I decide not to bother with any makeup because I can’t be sure that I won’t be crying again anytime soon. I put on some clean clothes, pull on a baseball cap, take my sunglasses out of my bag, and go and take my seat as we make our descent into Heathrow.



*



Jimmie and Len are at the airport to collect me. Jim and I are blubbering snot bubble blowing messes the instant we set eyes on each other. The three of us stand and have a group hug for a full three minutes before heading over to the car. Len has booked a car with a driver so we can all sit in the back and talk. I give them most of the details of my time away, but I save my adventures with Roman for when I get some girlie time with Jim and Ash.

It’s Monday morning in England, and the traffic on the M25 is its usual nightmare. Ash has convinced Marley to go to my parents’ house with her and we are going straight there to surprise them all. My stomach begins to churn as we drive along familiar streets on the approach to my parents’ home, my home. I must become quiet as Jimmie reaches out and takes my hand.

“You okay, babe?” I shrug. I could nod my head, but it would be pointless. She knows me too well.

“Nervous,” I reply honestly.

“It’s only Mum, Dad, Ash and Marley, George. You’re not going to meet the queen.”

I turn and smile at Lennon. “I’ve met the queen twice, Len. She’s nothing compared to Mother.” He takes my hand and kisses the back of it.

“She’ll be all right. She’s just missed ya really badly. Actually, we all have.”

I nod. “I missed all of you, too, but I just couldn’t be around here with all those stories going on.”

“I know. I understand that. It pisses me off that they’re allowed to print all of that shit and yet don’t say a word when it’s all proved to be a load of bullshit.”

Anxiety builds in my chest as I think about the claims and the relentless press attention and speculation. Sean’s been dead a year now and I wonder if they will finally leave me alone. I’m not famous. I was married to someone that was; that’s all. I really don’t understand why anyone would be interested in me.