The Story of Me (Carnage #2)(59)
I listen to my brother’s sobs, and I lose control of my own. Cam takes my free hand and gives it a squeeze, pulling me into his chest, holding me tightly, making me feel so much better than I deserve.
I hear Marley clear his throat.
“I can do that, George. If you can do it, then I f*cking well can, but we need you back here. We miss ya, Porge; we all miss ya.” I want to tell him I’m leaving in the morning, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.
“I’ll be home by Christmas, I promise.”
“Good, then we can have a proper Christmas, all of us together.” He’s quiet for a few seconds. “Porge?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry if I’ve been a wanker in the past. I’m sorry I’ve been a wanker tonight. It’s just… it’s just been an emotional few days, what with the band splitting, the anniversary and you not being around. I’ve missed ya, and I’m sorry. I just want ya to know I’m sorry this happened to you, that your life ended up this way.” I make a choking sound as I fight to keep another sob down. “I’m gonna go, George; let me know when you’re gonna be home. Love ya.”
“I will do. Love ya, too, Marls.” I end the call and Cam instantly pulls me onto his lap and holds me while I cry.
“I’m so sorry,” I eventually whisper.
“For what?” he asks.
“Everything; everything I’ve put you through.”
He kisses the top of my head. “Me, too, Kitten; me, too.”
We’re both quiet for a few minutes. I let the sound of his strong heart beating in my ear soothe me. My eyes feel heavy but it’s gotten so late, I’m worried if I fall asleep now, I won’t wake up in time for my car to take me to the airport.
After a long period of silence, Cam asks, “What are we doing here, Kitten? Where are we gonna go with this?” I shift so I can see his face.
“Where would you like it to go? Can we start over? Is that possible?”
He shakes his head. Looking down at where his thumb is brushing over my knuckles, he says very quietly, “No, I don’t think we can, Kitten.” My heart feels like it’s being crushed, squeezed so tight; it’s painful. Well, serves me right. After everything I’ve put Cam through over the years, I really can’t blame him. “We can’t start over. We’ve shared too much to put it all behind us, but we can try and move forward, deal with all the shit from the past and try to find a way, but I can’t promise anything.” My heart speeds up as I process what he’s telling me.
I desperately want him to look up and make eye contact, but he keeps looking down at our joined hands. “You hurt me, Kitten. I don’t hurt for anyone, but you hurt me and you f*cking broke me, and I don’t know if I can take a chance on you doing that to me again.”
“I won’t… I promise I won’t,” I blurt out. “I did love you, Cam. I think I’m still in love with you now.”
He nods his head a little bit. “Then I need you to show me, Kitten. I need you to prove it. I need to know that you’re not just using me as a quick fix again.” He finally looks up and meets my gaze. “I can’t run the risk of having you walk away from me again. I need to know for sure that you’re in it for the long haul this time.” I’m nodding as he speaks. I can do that. I can prove all of those things to him. “I have a lot of shit going on right now… And I don’t think you’re ready to even attempt moving on.” My stomach drops again.
“Did you not just hear everything I said to Marley. I’m ready. It’s time. I need to carry on with my life.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t want you to need to carry on with your life. I want you to want to carry on with your life and I want you to want me in it.” He pauses and looks up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to feel used, Kitten. I won’t be used. I won’t ever let that happen again.” He leans in and kisses my forehead. “We both have a lot going on in our lives. Let’s get back to England and catch up in a couple of weeks, but like I said, I’m not promising anything.”
I nod. There’s not a lot else I can do. I gave up my rights to call the shots where Cam’s concerned the night I fell through Lennon’s front door and straight back into Sean’s arms twelve long years ago. I don’t know what he’s read in my expression, but he lets out a long sigh.
“I want you, Kitten, believe me, I want you so f*cking bad, but I just want you to be sure. Take a step back and think about it, because when we’re together, neither of us ever seem to think straight.” He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Take some time to think about why you want to be with me. I don’t want to be just someone to help you through until the next love of your life comes along. I want the next love of your life to be me.” He traces the cupid’s bow of my lips with the pad of his thumb. “I know I’ll never replace him. I know I’ll never be able to give you back what you’ve lost. If I could, I would. Believe me. I really would, but I know that we have something that you didn’t have with him. If everything you had with him was so f*cking perfect, then the world wouldn’t crackle whenever we get near each other. I’m not disputing that you loved him, but I am disputing that given the chance, you wouldn’t have felt even more for me.”