The Ripple Effect (Rhiannon's Law #3)(57)

“You know that isn’t true.” I tried not to lash out at him.

“It is true, and you know it. I’m the third wheel, the one who’ll always be on the outside. I’ve made peace with that because I have no other choice. So don’t ask me to stand by and watch while someone tries to destroy the only people I’ll ever love when it’s finally up to me to decide. I can’t”—he paused, his back turned to us—“no, I won’t allow you to take that choice from me. It’s my life. I get to decide how long it lasts. Not you.”

“Paine,” I whispered, agonized that he’d finally said it aloud. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Be honest? Keep living a lie? Make promises I can’t keep?”

There were no easy answers, so I didn’t attempt to give him any. Instead I met Disco’s tortured eyes, trying to relate how I felt through our locked gazes, unsure of what to do. He and I had always known how Paine felt, but his emotional attachment was a phantom in the room, a ghost that remained hidden to the unknowing eye.

During the time I’d kept my distance from Disco, Paine and I had become friends. There was nothing more to it—simply shared memories, thoughts about life and my admission of what had occurred between us in the future—but to hear the words spoken and know for certain that it hurt him so deeply made my heart break for him all over again.

“I know you love me, Rhiannon,” Paine said. “In the same way Gabriel does. That’s the problem. It’s not enough. Not anymore. I can’t live like this, watching from the outside, wondering what it could be like if things were different.” He spun around, facing us, breathing hard. “When this is over, I have to leave. It’s too much. I can’t pretend that I’m fine with how things are, the way they’ll always be.”

I knew this moment was coming, but I never anticipated it would happen now, with the world crashing down around us. The Paine of the future had warned me he was going to leave before I’d vanished and Disco had died. He couldn’t bear seeing us together, tortured by witnessing what he could never have.

Even though it made me selfish, I didn’t want him to leave. The way I felt for Paine confused me. The emotion wasn’t as combustive or untamed as what I felt for Disco. It was a different kind of love—softer, sweeter—but love just the same.


Apparently the knowledge impacted Disco in the same way. Instead of resentment or possessiveness, his posture radiated the devastation and shock he felt. He and Paine had been close for years, sharing a bond even I didn’t fully understand. They’d been in a war together, died together, and were reborn together. I’d often thought their connection was probably as strong—if not stronger—than the one I shared with my foster sister. Blood didn’t mean shit. Emotional ties brought people together.

“Don’t make big decisions because you’re upset.” Disco’s voice broke midway through the sentence, revealing how shaken he was by the thought of Paine leaving. “The last few weeks have been difficult for all of us.”

“This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. I’ve actually had plenty of time to think this over.”

“And you’re just telling us now? Perfect timing on your part.” Disco moved his feet from side to side—the motion so fast it was hard to tell he was moving at all—something I’d discovered he did when he was nervous.

“He decided to leave weeks ago.” Maybe it was wrong of me to reveal what I knew, but I’d made a promise to Paine in the future—of finding some way to make things work between us—that I intended to keep.

“You told her before you talked to me?” Disco asked Paine in disbelief.

Paine narrowed his eyes, staring at me. “I didn’t tell anyone.”

“He told me in the future,” I informed Disco in a soft whisper, not wanting to resent him for the damage he’d caused weeks before. “Take a minute to sort through the memories you stole from me. It’s there.” I didn’t dare look at Paine when I added, “You said you intended to leave before I went missing. Staying close to me was too difficult for you.”

“Why am I not surprised you didn’t mention this to me?” Paine’s laugh was bitter. “You can tell me about the sex we shared that I don’t remember, but you won’t discuss anything as it pertains to the present. Wouldn’t want to make Gabriel uncomfortable now, would you?”

“It’s not that simple.” Jesus, I sounded lame. It’s not that simple?

Well, duh, dumbass.

Two men wanted me in the same way, and I loved each of them, but I had no idea what to do about it. I’d promised Paine things would be different between us but so far only our friendship had changed. We’d become closer to each other, as intimate as two people in a platonic relationship could be. But Paine didn’t want platonic. He wanted so much more. And I didn’t think I could give him that. Not with the way I felt for his best friend.

“What would you have me do? Hand her over to you? Walk out of her life? That’s what I offered you earlier—even though it killed me to do it—but you refused. Do I have to keep breathing for the deal to carry more weight? Is that it?” Disco asked, his usually deep baritone laced with an emotion I couldn’t name. “Is that the price I’d be expected to pay in order for you to stay? My lifelong misery in exchange for yours?”