The Redemption(53)

I elbow behind me lightly. “Stop moving. You just jabbed me in the boob.” I’m half on his lap and Derrick’s right leg. Dex is on the other side of Derrick crammed against the far door.

“Sorry,” Derrick mumbles.

Tommy laughs from the front seat. Dex leans forward and hits him on the arm, sneaking a peek at me in the process. Johnny hands his phone to Tommy and tells him to put on some music. Classic Aerosmith starts playing just seconds later; the melody calming the giggles and grunts as we settle in. Music is the thread that stitches us together. I feel Kaz’s foot bounce to the beat. Out of the corner of my eye, I spy Dex drumming his fingers on his legs.

The van crosses over a large bridge and then turns off on a small street that veers toward the beach. When Johnny parks, we all stagger out of the van, enjoying that we can stretch our cramped up legs.

The beach is isolated. More of a fisherman’s beach than a sunbathers. The headlights shine forward, lighting the water as it crashes down on the sand. I take my shoes off and walk forward wanting to get lost in the sounds of the music, the ocean, and the dark sky above.

Kaz and Tommy are nearby. Derrick is on his phone and walking down the beach. Johnny lays down in the sand halfway between the water’s edge and the car. And Dex—I turn back and see him sitting on the hood of the dated rental. He’s a silhouette of darkness, smoke wafting into the wind before it has time to settle above his head. He’s watching me. Unabashedly. His gaze seeking me out and taking hold, making me want to go to him. The water covers my feet and splashes up the side of my legs. The bottom of my jeans are rolled up but still get wet.

As “Dream On” by Aerosmith kicks in, I trek back. When I pass Johnny, he lazily asks, “You sure?”

“Yeah,” I reply and keep walking. Dex’s legs are parted, his forearms resting on his knees. He’s wearing sunglasses not to hide his eyes, but to hide his emotions. He can’t hide though. Just like me, there’s more to this, more to us than he can admit. I lean my back against the grill, resting on the bumper and keep my eyes forward.

His knee bumps me and I turn to look at him. In a hurry, he slides down the hood, his feet hitting the sand. I stand and he looks at me. Lifting his sunglasses up, his expression more pissed than any other. With a slight roll of his body, he’s pressed against me, his arms on either side of me, his palms flat on the hood. His head is on my shoulder, and he says, “You’re inside of me, the blood that fills my veins, the aches that my heart feel, and every good decision I ever made. That’s what you mean to me. I can’t stay away from you and I don’t want to.” Lifting up and looking me in the eyes, his lips brush against my cheek without leaving a kiss, and he adds, “You’re the melody I can’t capture and the notes I can’t hit. But I can’t fight your pull, always gravitating toward your world, to you.” Just when I think he might kiss me, going against his promise from this morning, he pushes off, leaving me in awe of not only his words, but the man himself. The underlying passion we fight so hard against is back in place, denying us both any peace until we give in again.

With my mouth left agape, it’s times like these I wish I smoked. I steady myself as I walk back to Johnny and sit down silently next to him. His arm goes out and I lie back, using it as a pillow. Our life experiences have bonded us. He’s become the only man I can rely on in my life. One of his best qualities is he knows when and when not to push. He stays quiet, letting the waves fill the air instead.

Derrick is the next to join us, sitting down on the other side of me. Tommy and Kaz leave the laughter down at the water and sit next to Derrick. I see Dex in the distance throwing something into the ocean; a seashell is my guess.

Despite his actions, he still fascinates me. Physically, he’s so beautiful, and could easily be mistaken for a model down here in Miami. But his insides are conflicted. He’s a lot like me in that way. I know there’s good inside. I’ve seen it in him. But sometimes, we can’t fix people. He wants to live one way, but his image comes into play and he battles that demon daily. I realize regardless of our pull, as he calls it, our efforts might not be enough. He might have to be the one who finds his own peace instead of me giving him what he needs. I may not be able to do that.

I sit up just as Dex sits down on the other side of Johnny. No one says anything, and a different song echoes through the windows of the van. Kaz is smoking a joint. The smell reminds me of our days as a garage band. We were all about f*cking up just so we could say we lived life to the fullest. Cory was always the most responsible of us.

I look over at Dex and he looks away. It’s then that I finally get it. All of this with Dex isn’t about him. Sure he has his issues to deal with, but this is about me and my issues as well. I can have fond memories of Cory, which I always will. But he’s not here sitting on the beach with us or to guide us to safety anymore.

Dex is.

Dex with his smile that hides the good from the rest of the world and saves it all for me. Dex with his mysterious side and secrets and intriguing reasons for lying to me. I may be glorifying him, but deep down, I feel he’s lying to protect me, not to hurt me. Revelations like these make me anxious and want to share them, celebrate them, but not with the guys here. I can’t act like an emotional girl around them. I’d lose all my cool kid cred if I do.

I stand up and dust the sand off my ass. “Dex, walk with me.” I don’t ask. I make my demand as I start walking toward the water again. He’s behind me trailing, so I slow down and let him catch up. “I can’t keep doing this with you.”