The Redemption(16)

Sitting up straight, this topic feels heavy for seven-thirty in the morning. “My needs come second to my kids and I don’t think my kids need the disruption right now.”

“You’re a great mother, but you’re also a woman. You have feelings and deserve a life of your own as well.”

“Dex, why are you here? Why do you want this to happen? Two years ago it was sex in a weak moment. Last night, I was drunk and you’re too good looking. But this can’t be. I don’t understand why you act like it can.”

His mouth hangs open enough for me to know I’ve shocked him. When he gets up, the chair bumps against the window in his haste, but he stops, tapping twice on the table in front of me. I glance up and see once again that I’ve hurt him when all I meant to do was give him an out. “You know,” he starts. “One day, I hope you’ll see me for more than a coked-up drummer who used to sleep around.”

Just as he starts to leave again, I grab his hand. He looks back at me, the connection slipping from my grip. “I do, Dex. It’s me. It’s not you.”

His hand leaves mine and he disappears, and I’m left with the chiming of the bell above the door echoing in my heart. Memories of him holding me after the funeral come rushing back and the feeling that in that moment, I felt safe, like everything would be okay one day. I found that in his arms.

Cory used to be my safe haven, but with him gone… I get up, feeling all wrong that he’s gone because he’s right. No matter what changes I recognize in him now, I’m still holding his past against him. And I’m still holding onto a future that can never be with Cory. I’m alone. No matter how much I wish I wasn’t, I am. That’s the reality I need to accept.

I have a guy, a great guy, willing to take a chance on me and maybe it’s time I put myself out there and give him that chance. But I have conditions—two, in fact—a brown-eyed and a blue-eyed—conditions that will always come first in my life.

I run after him, out the door and across the street. “Dex?” I call just before he enters the hotel. “Wait up.”

He stops one block ahead of me, and turns back. Hands shoved in pockets, head tilted down, but his curious eyes look up to watch me run toward him. Stopping with a few feet between us and with harsh breaths from running, I say, “You’re right.”

The hope his voice held earlier is all but gone when he asks, “About what?”

“About us.”

“What about us?”

“The truth is, I can’t be frivolous with my emotions, but you’re right, we aren’t wrong. What we did isn’t wrong. You’ve changed and though not everyone can see it, I do. It’s been amazing to watch your transformation from the guy I knew years ago to the man you are now. But I need time—”

“I understand.”

“No, I don’t know that you do. I loved Cory. I’m not saying that to hurt your feelings, but it’s something I struggle with every day. He’s not here anymore, but I am and I don’t want to be alone.”

“He left us all. I’ve tried to hold back, for your sake. To not require you to think about me, but I f*cking miss him, every single day. I miss my friend. I know you loved him. So did I. He was the only one in my life I could always rely on. That void will never be filled, Rochelle. I’m not trying to fill his shoes. I’m not him. All I can be is me and hope it’s good enough.”

“Oh Dex. I’m sorry. I know his death has affected everyone. But it’s time I focused on my family. I have to put my kids first. I want to. They deserve that much and more.” He nods as I continue. “So I have an offer for you. I’ll understand if you’re not ready to take us all on. I promise I will. But what if we start off slowly? Maybe you can spend some time at my house when the tour’s over?”

“What do you mean? Like hang out?”

“Yes, let’s start off as friends, real friends, friends who spend time together because I come as a package deal. You’re young and not responsible for anyone else, but when you date me, you date my boys. So what if you maybe came over for lunch or dinner one night? It will give you a chance to see the reality of what you’re getting into before things get too deep.”

“Your boys know who I am, Rochelle.”

“But they don’t know you. It’s the only offer I can make.”

“So two steps back and we slow things down?” A section of his hair falls forward and as much as I want to touch the soft strands again, I don’t. “You tell me when,” he says, “and I’ll be there.”

“Deal.” I stick out my hand, another offer of my sincerity to give him the chance he deserves.

He accepts the offer. “Deal.”

We shake on it, his warmth coursing through my body. When we part, I go to him and wrap my arms around his middle because despite the deal we just made, he needs to know that our time together mattered to me. I tilt my mouth up toward his ear, and whisper, “Just in case you think I’m being completely selfless here, I’m not. I remember every kiss we shared and everything we did that night.”

I see his mouth broaden into a smile and he kisses me on the forehead. “Good to know I’m not alone.”

“You’re not. I’m just not as brave as you.”