The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2)(50)

His face as he told me he loved me. The way his eyes stared right into mine as he moved over me, inside of me. The sincerity in his eyes as he spoke of our future together and what he saw for us.

The sound of my phone vibrating against the wood of my end table snapped my eyes open, and I saw Shelby was trying to FaceTime me. I accepted the call and then smiled when her face appeared on my screen.

“Hey, you,” I said.

“Oh, look, you’re alive and answering your phone. And at your own house, believe it or not.” Her tone was playful and teasing, but I still blushed, a little embarrassed to be one of those people who disappeared at the beginning of a new relationship.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you kidding? Do not even think of apologizing. You can make everything up to me by telling me, in explicit detail, everything that’s been happening while you haven’t been returning my calls.” Shelby sat down on her own couch, pulled her fuzzy blanket she’d had since college over her legs, and got comfortable with her own cup of coffee. “Spill,” she demanded.

“I don’t really know what to say.” I laughed, blushing even harder.

“Did you sleep with him?”

My mouth dropped open in surprise at her forward question, but then I snapped it closed when I remembered that Shelby was anything but subtle.

“That’s pretty personal,” I said, trying to keep the answer from being evident on my face.

“So, that’s a yes.” She let out a happy squeal and I could see her bouncing up and down on her couch. “Was it amazing? Mind-blowing? Did you have an out-of-body experience?”

All I could do was blink in response.

“Oh, no. Was it terrible?” she asked, concern written all over her face.

“No,” I exclaimed loudly. “It wasn’t terrible at all. It was… wonderful.” The blush crept back over my face so I hid it in my arm, the warmth burning in my cheeks.

“Oh, Gracie, I’m so happy for you.” Shelby’s voice was softer and I looked up. “Now, tell me all about it.”

I laughed and took another sip of my coffee, letting her squirm in her seat. “Shel, you know I don’t kiss and tell.”

“Okay, fine. You can skip all the sexy details, but I wanna know how everything is going. Talk to me. I have to live vicariously through you! I’m wilting away here in Fairbanks all alone. Every single man over twenty-five is either still living with his parents or a complete douche nozzle. So, tell me about Devon and how wonderful he is.”

“It’s hard to explain,” I started, unable to find the exact words. “He’s patient and caring, and a wonderful father, and God, so sexy.” I think for a moment, trying to get the words straight in my mind. “Before I ran into Devon a few months ago, I thought I had my shit together, you know? I was moving on, had my dream job, was making a life for myself here. But then Devon shows up and all of sudden I’ve got more insecurities than I know what to do with, and I feel like a crazy person.”

“What do you mean?”

“Devon’s a single father and a widower.”

“Right. And?”

“So, logically, he should be the insecure one in the relationship, right? He should need the time and the coddling and the reassurance. He should need things to go slow. But it’s like all the roles are reversed and even though I thought I had my shit together, being with him—even though it’s wonderful—is making me go a little crazy.”

“How so?”

“Last night when I got to his house, he’d taken down most of the photos of his wife. And there had been quite a few. It was pretty noticeable they were missing.”

“Okay….”

“So I kind of flipped out on the inside.”

“Why?” Shelby asked, laughing.

“Because I don’t want him to think that I want to take her place! I don’t want his kids to think I want to take her place either!”

“So you would have liked him to leave the photos up forever?”

“No, I just wish it didn’t have anything to do with me.”

“Maybe it doesn’t.”

“Listen, my situation with Jeff was very different from Devon’s with his wife. I know, without a doubt, I’m done with Jeff. I want nothing to do with him, at all. And even though this makes me a terrible person, it’s hard to think about the idea that Devon would choose to be with Olivia over me.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Shelby started, and I knew she was going to say something nice and supportive, and I didn’t want to hear it.

“I feel like shit for even thinking these thoughts, but I can’t help it. How do you know, when your wife dies, that it’s time to move on? How can he be so serious about me so quickly, when he hasn’t been with anyone since? What if he realizes he’s made a mistake and he’s not over her? I’m just supposed to hope for the best? I’ve put my heart on the line like that before and it didn’t end well. Not for me, anyhow.”

“Grace,” Shelby whispered, trying to keep me from plummeting into the dark, emotional abyss I was currently circling. “Things with Devon have got to be complicated—dating a man with children always is—but you have to either trust him, or let him go, honey.” The idea of letting him go made my stomach roll and turn over. “I can’t imagine what it would be like.”