The Presence of Grace (Love and Loss #2)(18)
“Yeah,” he agreed sullenly. “It was one of those situations where she’d said yes before, so he didn’t think her screaming ‘no’ meant anything.”
I closed my eyes and tried to push the images my mind conjured up aside. I’d never been sexually assaulted, but I could imagine the fear and anger and helplessness that came along with it.
“It went on for a couple of months before she could end the relationship, and when she left for college, all the anger she felt toward him turned into an effort to reclaim her body. She slept with guys, said yes to anyone, because saying yes was her right and she wanted to use it.” He let out a large sigh and I couldn’t help but feel bad for him; he was obviously upset about what she’d gone through. I wanted to comfort him in some way, but didn’t know how. “Of course, that particular day we didn’t work through all that. That information came in the following years. But that day, the day she woke up in my room, was the first day of us, and we were together from that day forward. I felt this need to protect her, to show her that guys could be decent, that we weren’t all *s.”
It seemed fitting, the thought of Devon on a white horse, wanting to rescue a damsel in distress. His goodness was something I’d been attracted to since the very first time I met him.
“It was hard in the beginning. She tested our relationship a lot. She obviously thought, somewhere inside, I’d treat her just like all the others, that one day I’d leave her if she pushed me away hard enough, but I couldn’t. I loved her because she was broken, but I also loved her because she was strong enough to take care of herself. She didn’t need me, but she wanted me more than she could admit, and that made me love her even more.”
I never would have thought listening to a man describe his love for someone else would make me fall for him, but I was. Hearing the way he described her, how he cared for her, how he wanted happiness for her, it went a long way to endear him to me. I wanted, so desperately, for someone to care for me that way, with that much intensity and love.
“It wasn’t until Ruby was born that Olivia seemed to accept that I wasn’t going anywhere, that I wanted her—flaws and all—and that she wasn’t getting rid of me.”
“She was lucky to have you,” I said softly, saying words truer than I’d ever spoken. I didn’t know Olivia, but I knew she was lucky to have Devon behind her and beside her.
He let out a loud sigh. “I know it must seem that way to you, hearing all this, but really I am the lucky one. Breaking through her boundaries was hard, but what I got in return was incredible.” He smiled at me and I knew he was thinking about his children. And suddenly, before I could even try to rein it in, I was tearing up. All I could imagine was Devon and a woman who looked like an older version of Ruby, so incredibly happy, and then having it all ripped out from underneath them. How unfair it was to be given the love of a lifetime, only to have it taken away. I pictured the Devon I’d first met three years ago—the broken, sobbing, destroyed man who was in the midst of mourning.
“Devon,” I whispered, a tear escaping down one cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hey,” he said, turning to me and noticing my tears. “Come here.” He wrapped his arms around me and I curled into him, keeping the hand with my coffee at his side. “No crying. I’ll never get you to go out on a real date with me if I make you cry,” he said, joking, rubbing his free hand up and down my back. “Don’t be sad,” he finally whispered right next to my ear.
“I just can’t imagine,” I said, pulling away and wiping under my eyes. “I’m sorry, I just remember you that night outside the school, and how upset you were.”
“Yeah,” he said, half groaning. “That was a dumb idea. I should never have gone that night.” I nodded, agreeing. “But,” he said as he dipped down, making himself eye level with me, “we might not have ever met if I didn’t.”
The intensity of his eyes made a ball of warmth form inside me, and I couldn’t help but blush. He stood and we started walking around the pond again.
“Do you believe in fate?” he asked, his voice softer and almost wistful.
I thought about my life, of all the circumstances that had brought me to where I was in that particular moment, and the idea that it had all been predetermined was pretty depressing. I wanted it to be random, to not have to think about walking along a path that was so broken and jagged without any hope of maybe finding an alternate route.
“I don’t know,” I answered as honestly as I could.
“Believing that Olivia and I met for a reason, and that there’s a purpose past her death, is the only thing that got me through it. I had to believe that there was more waiting for me and Ruby and Jax.”
“That makes sense.”
We were quiet for a few more minutes and my mind was reeling, taking in all the information he’d given me. We came upon a bench, situated to face the pond, and he motioned toward it. “Shall we?”
“Sure,” I said with a slight smile, taking a seat on the bench. He sat next to me and I let out a breath.
“I’m sorry I dumped all that on you,” he said, making me turn to look at him. “I learned a while ago that honesty is the best policy. There’s more I want to tell you, but I don’t think it needs to be said tonight.”