The Loose Ends List(38)

Bob takes me up to Gram’s cabin. He tells me Aunt Rose is with her, that they sleep together most nights. It’s dark with her blackout shades. Bob turns on the bathroom light. Aunt Rose stirs.

Gram sits up, disoriented. “What happened?”

“Gram.” I climb into bed between Gram and Aunt Rose and tell Gram about Paige. I get as close to her as I can and smell the lavender cream on her skin and the faint chemical smell of hairspray in her hair. She holds my hand, and I lie sandwiched between two snoring old ladies. I can’t sleep because of the snoring and the image of Paige and the dull pain in my back where I think my pancreas resides.

Rachel told me never to Google health stuff. That was after I Googled sweating and decided I had lymphoma. If I hadn’t Googled pancreatic cancer, I would never know there’s a strong family predisposition. If I hadn’t Googled pancreatic cancer, I might be asleep right now.



I woke up in the middle of the night and went back to my cabin, where I discovered I had my period. I’m sure cramps are misdiagnosed as pancreatic cancer all the time.

Mom’s buzzed me this morning with pedicures? That’s her way of saying I’m so sorry you had to see Paige’s seizure. Let’s make it all better by painting our toenails.

I stop for a smoothie on the way to the salon. The deck is empty. I pass the Skinny Dave chair and think of him. I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Mom is soaking her feet and sipping a latte.

“I have a new job,” she announces as soon as I sit down.

“What do you mean, a new job?”

“Gloria and I have been hanging out a little in the kitchen, baking treats for the crew.”

“That’s cool, Mom. You have a baking buddy.”

“It’s a lot of fun. Anyway, Gloria loves to cook, but she does everything from her head. She’s asked me to write down the recipes and deliver them in book form to her grandchildren. Won’t that be a nice gift?”

“That’s a perfect gift. Is she going to let you have a copy?”

“Absolutely. She’s paying me in recipes. Roberta is helping, too—you know, Vito’s daughter.” She leans forward to check the nail lady’s work.

“So, to change the subject,” she says, “I’m sure last night wasn’t easy for you, honey.”

“No. It was not.” I look out at the whitecaps swelling under the cloudy sky.

“Doesn’t this whole trip make you nervous, Mom? Like about the D word? I just feel like it’s in my face all the time.”

“Can you cut them a little more?” Mom is notorious for scrutinizing her pedicures. “Um, oh, nervous? No. I’m going to miss Gram, like we all will. But death doesn’t make me nervous. Put me in front of a bunch of people and make me give a speech, okay, then I’ll pee in my pants.”

“Did you just say you’re more afraid of public speaking than dying?”

“Oh, yeah. Petrified.”

“Wow. You’re more peculiar than I thought.”

“What’s peculiar is your choice of nail color. Seriously, Maddie? It’s, like, chartreuse.”

“Okay, Mom. I’m going to close my eyes and relax.”

“You do that, honey. Then you won’t have to see your green toes.”



Paige texted Come visit! so I’m getting her cupcakes from the café.

Janie is sitting with Holly, who now has a poster hanging from the back of her wheelchair.

“Mads, come see the poster Eddie and I made for Holly. These are all her favorite pictures.” Janie holds up the poster. The woman in the pictures dances and smiles and hugs Marshall and holds a puppy. She sits on a sled on a mountaintop and wears an evening gown the color of raspberries and poses in a black leotard with her arms stretched up toward the sky.

I feel like throwing up all over the poster. It’s just so sad.

“These are great pictures.” I’m careful not to say how pretty she was. “Is that your puppy? It’s so cute.”

Holly blinks once.

“No, it’s her brother’s. He lives in Texas. He’s pretty hot. The brother, not the puppy,” Janie says.

“What are you doing now?” I ask.

“Wes is bringing baby Grace down to hang out. Holly loves when we hold Grace close so she can observe her cuteness.”

Holly blinks twice.

As soon as I’m in the elevator, I take a yoga breath and exhale the poison. I don’t understand why that Nazi Gollum gets to be hobbling around in his nineties while Holly and Paige and Mark are dying so long before their expiration dates. I rest my head against the wall, slamming it a little too hard on the glass. Fuck this. This is worse than the worst thing I had imagined. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.



I’m not sure what to expect when I enter Paige’s room. The last time I saw her, she was frothing at the mouth with her eyes rolled back in her head.

It’s a relief to see she’s sitting out on the balcony playing with her bee while Lane sits next to her, reading the New York Times.

“Paige!”

“Ooooh. What did you bring me?”

Lane takes a cupcake. “Do you mind if I go in for a shower?”

Of course I mind. I will be grabbing you by your naked ass if she has another seizure. “No. Go ahead,” I say.