The Knocked Up Plan(36)

“Did you want them with her?” I ask, once more holding my breath for a no.

“Eventually,” he says, and that’s as close to a no as I can ask for. He draws lazy circles along my thigh. “What about you? Did you ever like anyone enough to want to have kids with him?”

I shake my head a little wistfully. “I think that part of me is broken.”

“What part?” he asks, his brow knitting in curiosity.

I tap my heart. “I’ve never been in love. Sure, I felt puppy love for my high school boyfriend. But as a grown woman? I think I’ve come close, but nothing that feels like mad, passionate love. Unless you count Ruby. I’m definitely in mad love with her. Like you are with Romeo.”

When the dog hears his name, he bounds into the room. He plops his butt down and wags his tail. Ryder pats the bed. The dog jumps up and flops next to his master. Just two naked adults, and one naked dog. “And now there’s three in the bed,” I say with a laugh.

“A ménage à trois,” he jokes, then his voice turns serious again. “You’ve really never been in love?” He sounds flummoxed, like he can’t quite imagine how I’ve gone through life without this.

I run a hand through my tangled hair, smoothing it out. “It sort of felt like it once a few years ago, with someone I was with for several months,” I say with a shrug. “I thought it was. But looking back, I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

I stare at the ceiling. “Why?” I repeat. “I’ve asked myself that question. I liked Greg so much. He was a good guy. But I didn’t feel that zing,” I say, tapping my breastbone. “That magic here. You must have felt that.”

He nods. “Definitely.”

My heart plummets, and I’m ashamed that I’d wanted him to say he never felt the zing with his ex. I shouldn’t be jealous that the man has fallen in love in the past, especially when I’m not interested in love. I focus on Greg instead. “I didn’t feel that zing with my former fiancé, so I called it off.”

“Ouch.”

I crinkle my nose. “I’m mean. A terribly cruel woman.”

He laughs lightly. “No, you’re not. Hell, I’m sure it hurt him. Any man would be devastated to lose you,” he says, and my heart dares to twirl. It’s such a strange little sensation hopping around in my chest. “But better at that time than once you were married.”

“That’s what I figured. Because I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be certain you’re in love. You’re supposed to get that feeling when you know it can’t be anything but love, right?”

His lips curve into a smile. “Yeah,” he says, and his hand slides over my belly, on top of mine. He squeezes my fingers. “The way you’ll feel soon.”

“Yes.” My eyes light up because he gets it. He truly understands me.

“Still,” he says, shaking his head in amusement, “it’s amazing you can talk about love the way you do, and yet you’ve never really felt it. You understand on this deep level, but you’ve never been in love.”

I’m an oddity to him. I’m the clock in the antique shop that doesn’t tell time. “But see, I don’t think romantic love is all that different than the love for your friends, or your family, or a dog. Is it? That kind of love?”

He turns away from me and strokes Romeo’s soft fur. “That kind of love is different, but I try not to think about it.” He stops then exhales heavily. “Or to let myself feel it.”

My chest aches, and sadness tunnels through me. I despise that his ex-wife hurt him so much that he has to turn off his heart. I run my fingers through his hair. He tenses briefly then relaxes. He sighs, and it sounds almost happy, as if he’s truly content in this moment here with me. I know the feeling—it matches my own right now. But whether I’m content, whether I want to throat-punch his ex, or whether my traitorous heart spins when he says sweet things, I’m still a practical woman, and I’m well aware of how absolutely critical our arrangement is.

“It’s a good thing we know the score, right?” I say, keeping it light before it gets heavy.

“Absolutely. And speaking of score, I’m including the Knicks game in the dating guide, especially because you liked pretending to be on the kiss cam so much.”

I smile, remembering how very much I enjoyed his version of the kiss cam. “Loved it. You’ll be doing men all over the city a service if they kiss their woman like you kissed me.”

He runs a finger along my hipbone. “By the way, thanks a lot for planning to be out of town right when you got me all hyped up on regular sex.”

I leave in another day for a trip to California so I can record a few shows with live audiences. Cal likes to do that from time to time when a show is popular, so I’m thrilled to have the chance. “Tell me about it. I’ll have to pack some vibrators.”

He holds up his right palm and stares sadly at it. “This is all I’ve got for the next week.”

I laugh, then it turns into a sigh, and it occurs to me that even though I desperately want our banging to do the trick, I’m going to miss sleeping with him. I’m going to miss seeing him, too.

And since we know the score, I see no reason not to tell him. “Is it weird that I’m kind of bummed about not seeing you while I’m gone?”