The Girl Who Cried Wolf(52)

‘I just looked in a mirror.’ I spat at her, glad to have someone as an outlet for my rage.

‘But you’re beautiful! Your hair is growing back thick and fast, your skin is glowing, and you are still very slim. Once the baby is born you will have your figure back in no time.’

‘Beautiful?!’ I muster up as much contempt as I can. ‘I’m a fat mess, Izzy. I can hardly walk for the pain in my back; I just waddle around this house all day while you whisper behind my back. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.’

‘We’re all worried about you, Anna. We know how unprepared you were for this but even Mr Raj says you are thriving and pregnancy has suited you. I just wish you could be a little more pleased about this new baby, and stop worrying he won’t be OK. Just because you’ve been ill doesn’t mean it will affect you giving birth to a healthy child, and all the scans have confirmed this.’ She rubs my hand reassuringly but I swipe it away.

‘The baby? I’m not worried about the baby, Isabel! I’m worried about what it has done to my body, and why that during a time in my life I should have been recovering from cancer it is subjecting me to a further nine months of torture! I can’t sleep, I have a body like a beached whale, I am aching all over and have never felt less attractive in my life. Milk is seeping out of my nipples, I’m constantly needing to pee … Do you know Michael hasn’t been near me for weeks?’

I fail to mention that the last time Michael tried to make love to me I had kicked him in the shin.

‘Nobody asked me if I wanted this baby, I don’t even like children, and I have no clue how to be a mother. All I wanted was to recover from my illness and plan the wedding of my dreams, and now I don’t even have the energy to do that. We won’t be getting married at New Year, all I will be doing is changing nappies and getting puked on. This baby has ruined everything.’ I know I should stop but I can’t end my rant. All of my fear and anxiety is pouring out of me like an uninterrupted waterfall.

‘What chance does it stand? Both parents have had cancer and let’s face it, we don’t exactly have a promising gene pool. My father is a wife-beater, my mother is a bag of nerves, Michael’s brother was two cents short of a shilling, and his mother a neglectful abandoner! I should have had an abortion then everything would have stayed the same.’

I have shocked my sister into silence but we both look up, horrified to see Michael standing in the doorway. He turns on his heel, looking so hurt I feel I have been punched in the stomach.

I try to stand to go after him but Izzy pulls me back without difficulty, ‘Let him go, Anna. Give him a few moments.’

I am crying steadily and she puts her arm around me, holding me close.

‘I know this has been too much for you, but none of us ever considered you would choose not to continue with pregnancy. We saw it as such a blessing. I’m sorry for not listening to you but maybe a small part of you really does want this? You never do anything you don’t want to, so perhaps this is the right thing for you and you just can’t see it yet?’

I look up into her na?ve face, certain that she is wrong, but I have caused enough anguish for one day.

‘Maybe,’ I tell her, and rise awkwardly to my feet to find Michael.

***

I find him in the meadow throwing a stick for Freedom, and his body visibly tenses as I breathlessly approach them.

‘Are you OK?’ he asks me as I breathe heavily, perhaps a little heavier than necessary as he may be less cross with me that way.

‘Michael, I am so sorry for what I said – About Benji and the baby. I don’t really want a termination; I am just so bloody tired I cannot think straight.’

He looks at me steadily and I know he does not accept my lie about not wanting to end the pregnancy.

‘I hardly know you these days, Anna. You won’t talk to me about anything. We’re supposed to be getting married and I feel like sometimes I have no idea what is going on inside your head. All of this has happened so quickly but I thought it would be our way of sticking our fingers up to cancer, turning something negative into good. Most people never have the opportunity to realise how precious life is until they face losing it. Every day now is a blessing and I presumed you felt the same.’

I shrug my shoulders and refrain from mentioning that perhaps if he had been the one waddling around like a disabled duck for three months he might not be feeling quite so blessed.

‘When Mr Raj told me you were pregnant I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I thought he was going to say you were ill again, that I might lose this veracious, beautiful girl I had planned to spend the rest of my life with.’ He shakes his head sadly. ‘It was beyond imagining that instead of losing life, we had created a new one together.’

I look up at Michael and hate myself once more, wishing I could see the world the way that he does.

‘I’m scared I’ll mess it up!’ I try to sound vulnerable so he will comfort me as he does so adeptly when I am afraid. ‘What if I’m like my father? What if I turn out to be cruel and heartless like he was?’

I surprise myself as I say these words for I had kept this fear buried for as long as possible, but Michael does not cajole me as I imagined he would and grabs my shoulders so I am forced to face him.

‘Then don’t let that happen, Anna,’ he tells me unlovingly. ‘For once in your life take some responsibility for the way you are and stop blaming cancer or your upbringing. Be present in your own life and make a decision to be the best parent to this child that you can be, without question or compromise. This is no time to be selfish and self-indulgent. Those days have gone and in less than two weeks your only concern will be our baby. If you cannot put our child’s needs before your own then I will raise the baby without you. I love you, Anna, but you are pushing me too far. Please stop making this about you. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, Anna, and I’m going up to the ranch for a few days. I think we need some space.’