The Girl Who Cried Wolf(47)

I cry with them and wait only a few moments before I leave them and run to find Michael. He is standing by a railing to the first paddock, stroking a golden horse, his head rested against its neck. I am quite taken away by the horse’s beauty; her long mane and tail were shimmering under the moonlight.

‘Is this your Palomino?’ I ask, feeling the bond between them.

He looks surprised to see me, as though he was lost somewhere in a dream and I had woken him up. ‘Yes, come and meet her. This is Blaze.’

I gently hold out my hand and laugh as she breathes warm air over my freezing fingers. ‘Hello, Blaze. I used to have hair like yours.’ Michael and I both smile at the memory from our days in chemo and he puts his arm around me as I stroke her silky mane. ‘Do you think she’s warm enough?’ I ask him, although as I slip my fingers under the blanket around her I feel she is quite warm underneath. Michael just holds me tighter.

‘I was two when Benji was born. I can’t really remember much of him being a baby but when he started to walk, boy, did he follow me everywhere!’ Michael wipes a tear from his eye, and my heart breaks for him as I listen silently. ‘We knew he was different when he was really young, he didn’t like to be touched or cuddled too tightly and used to hate wearing clothes until one of my Aunties bought him Aquaman pyjamas for his fourth birthday. Then they were pretty much all he wanted to wear. I used to read him comic books about a superhero that lived underwater and could talk to sea creatures telepathically.’ He laughed, ‘When I say read, I mostly used to point at the pictures and make the stories up. Benji really loved them, but then he became obsessed with the river, believing he could dive and swim like Aquaman, so we had to faze him out.’

‘Faze him out?’

‘Yes, we had to gradually introduce new comics and characters but it took a long time to curb the obsession. I think Benji knew what we were doing so he went deeper inside himself; he never lost his fixation with deep water, although eventually he stopped making a fuss when we fenced off the river and never let him walk the ranch alone. He never talked much to begin with, but began to live in near silence as he grew older. The only things he couldn’t resist were trains and tractors, so we indulged him and communicated through the things he liked.’

Michael is quiet for a few moments so I ask him tentatively, ‘Were you there when he fell into the water?’

‘I was riding on the ranch. It was three days before my tenth birthday so Benji would have been seven. My mom had taken a lame horse for a lead walk along the trail path to see if she was better and had taken Ben with her for some fresh air. I could see them from where I was riding a little further up the hill, and he stayed just a stone’s throw in front of her, looking up at the sky and then stopping to touch the ground. It was a funny habit of his. She only looked away for a couple of seconds. The mare was showing signs of discomfort and my mother bent down to check her front hoof. When she looked back up he was gone and she knew instinctively he had run to the little wooden bridge. I knew in a heartbeat as she screamed his name that he was already there, but I galloped towards them and dived into the river where the currents wane a little.’

I know Michael is crying, and let him take comfort against Blaze’s solid neck as I have no idea how to console him.

‘He was already lying there, floating on the surface with his face down in the water. When he had jumped or fallen from the bridge the currents would have pulled him under. I knew these waters like no-one else, I knew where they looked calm and inviting but were ferocious underneath. I pulled him out and breathed in to his mouth the way my father had taught me, but his head was bleeding and I could tell he was gone. My mom just screamed and screamed, “Save him, Michael!” and I couldn’t.’

‘Michael, you were ten, no one could have expected you to save him.’ I pull him towards me despite his protests and stroke his back, now wracked with sobs. He tries to compose himself and tightens a loose buckle on the horse’s blanket.

‘My father found us like that, and went off at my mom for not watching him. I left them screaming at each other, thinking how Benji would have hated that. He liked quiet. She left the next day, and I haven’t seen her since.’

‘Michael. I am so sorry.’

‘It’s OK. This is why I don’t talk about it. It’s just too painful for me; he was too young to die and should still be here with us.’

I truly hate myself for thinking that if his brother had not died, Michael would never have moved to England and I could have still been lost in a nightmare.

‘You saved me, though,’ is all I can tell him, and he presses his cold lips against mine for a moment.

***

After only a few hours sleep, we wake up before dawn on New Year’s Day, sleepy-eyed and feeling that we are closer than ever. He looks at my scar with concern and suggests I go to see Mr Raj.

‘Are you crazy?’ I shout, louder than I intend and hastily soften my voice. ‘What I mean is, I don’t want to go back until I absolutely have to.’

‘Which is when?’

‘Two weeks’ time, I think. What are we doing today?’ I am anxious to change the subject.

‘I have a surprise for you. Get dressed. Something warm!’ He winks as he rushes downstairs and I know he is taking me riding. I am under strict instructions from my mother not to ride while I am here, and it is with a little guilt that I pull on my jeans and run to the bathroom to get ready.