The Girl Who Cried Wolf(36)
The next time I saw my mother was nine days later. She brought Izzy home from hospital, her face bruised and her arm broken.
***
Love radiates from my Guide and I rest my head on his shoulders. ‘I don’t remember Father being so mean,’ I say quietly.
He nods and rests his head against mine. ‘She protected you, but all of those vibrations around you were so inharmonious, you picked up much negativity and carried it with you. By the time Isabel was born, your parents had settled into quiet discontentment. She turned a blind eye to his affairs and tried to avoid his temper at all costs. Your sister did not suffer the same tumultuous vibrations that you did.’
‘Is that why she is so happy and I’m not?’
He paused for a second, treading carefully. ‘Isabel is of a different nature, she has less of a journey to travel than you do, Anna. She is no more or less good, just at a different stage in her development.’
I try to read between the lines as he smiles and continues, ‘Every soul will progress to exactly the same level. We will all reach a point when we become one with our Higher Self. In that state we are enlightened and fully evolved. It usually happens over a number of lifetimes, within each one learning new attributes and progressing further. It is up to each of us how far we travel. Of course, the faster we learn to live with joy, the faster we become our Higher Selves. The road is more difficult for some, but that does not make it less extraordinary or beautiful or worthwhile. Some people experience extreme grief, or have to live through turbulent years, and face illness or disability. Just try to remember that our journeys may be very different but our destinations are all the same.’ He gives a satisfied nod while I am left angry and confused.
He stands up to leave me, removing the Panama hat and smoothing down his white hair.
‘Isabel is equal to you, as we all are to each other, but she has progressed further than you at this time. She has learned contentment over her evolvement; she is peaceful and has faith in others. It may have taken her time to find tranquillity but it will come to us all eventually.’ He looks at me with sparkling eyes. ‘It will come to you too. You will find a time in your life when you learn to love unconditionally. Your anger will simply dissipate and you will be quite selfless.’ His mouth twitches into a smile at his last drop of wisdom.
I look at him wryly, hating to point out the obvious. ‘Not in this lifetime, though. I might come back as Mother-bloody-Teresa in the next one but for now, Anna Winters in all her messed up glory, is left for dead on an operating table. I can’t go back and save my mother from her misery, I can’t learn to love my sister without envy, I can’t do good things for other people …’ My voice trails away as I think of Michael. I won’t see the golden horse he spoke about, or be able to love unconditionally as I desperately wanted. ‘I won’t grow old with him.’
The Guide must have seen enough self-pity, for he smiles and walks away.
Although it should have shocked or surprised me tremendously, I find I am quite undeterred when his body transforms into the white wolf, bowing his head before vanishing.
***
I feel I have been walking for hours before my surroundings become reassuringly familiar. I recognise the lake by which my journey began and run to the shore where Benji is waiting.
‘Well?’ he asks in greeting.
‘I feel a thousand years older, Ben. I’ve seen the worst and most beautiful sights of my lifetime, and have been left alone to contemplate how it is too late for me put anything right.’
‘Oh, Anna you never listen. That is the whole point of progression, you do not stand still. Not ever! Make a decision to either put things right or advance on a different journey. Whatever you decide, you will carry with you a new knowledge. It may sometimes feel like a little voice in your ear, a moment in your conscience, or a feeling in your heart. We are so institutionalised as earth-bound beings we ignore many of these messages, but you must remember to listen to them. Recognise when you are being guided and you will begin to make different choices as you have learned from your old ones. Listen to your inner voice and follow the path of your higher self.’
I look back along the road which brought me here.
‘Well?’ he laughs, as if the answer is so obvious and in the space of a second, a thousand visions flash before me. I feel my birth, the powerful force of maternal love, and the unending confidence in the intuition we are born with. I feel the confidence ebb and wane as life influences me. I see Izzy as a little girl, running towards me, her eyes full of adoration for her big sister. I am growing. I am making mistakes but I am learning. I am falling in love. I see Michael in the hospital corridor and start running towards his image at great speed, with all the determined power of my human body I am hurtling back to him.
Back to my family.
My heart is lifted with the highest joy. I know with certainty that I can return to my life. My wild and foolish, heart-achingly wonderful life.
Part Three
Chapter Nine:
Where We Are
A loud beeping begins to pierce my subconscious and I hear frantic voices around me asking me to open my eyes. I choke painfully as a long tube is pulled from my throat, and I feel as though I am being whisked away from a dream before I am ready to awaken. My last thought before the pain kicks in is of a girl I used to know. I am being pulled further and faster away from her as she calls out to me desperately. Her voice is carried away on the faintest breeze as I draw a deep breath into my lungs.