The Girl I Was Before (Falling #3)(86)

She leaves her eyes on mine, waiting for me to crack. I won’t though. I’m good at lying.

“Well that sucks for you, doesn’t it?” she finally says. I chuckle, because her response is pathetic.

“Yeah, Cee Cee,” I say, loving the way she winces when I use her family name. “Sucks for me.”

I step away, leaving her alone in a crowd that eventually swallows her up and quits caring she’s here. I didn’t ask about how she’s here, if she’s out on bail, or if anyone ever brought her in for anything. It’s not like she was completely caught with possession, and she’s been dealing with the rumor of her drug abuse for months thanks to me. But things are getting harder for her. I like that they are. I can see she’s feeling the pinch.

The closer I get to Cass and Rowe, the more I also realize that I’ve made a choice, just like Joyce wanted. I’m moving out—it’s going to be ugly, because Houston is going to think it’s because of him. And while it’s really because of Leah, it’s not because I’m afraid to love that little girl and be a part of her life. It’s quite the opposite, really.

I’m leaving because Leah deserves that money. And as long as I stay in that house, Chandra will threaten to run to daddy—to make it all go away, because of me.

Stay or go. Either way, Joyce was right.

I. Am. Devastated.





Chapter 16





Paige



He waited up. I knew he would. I think that’s why I stayed out until now. It’s two in the morning. My feet can barely carry me. I stopped drinking around midnight, so now my head hurts. All I want in the world is to lie down.

But I can’t. Because I have to walk into this house and tell the only guy whose ever made me feel cherished that I have to move out. I have to convince him that it’s for the best, and that it’s what I really want. I have to lie better than I’ve ever lied in my entire life.

I told Cass it was just too uncomfortable living here. I also told her I missed her and wanted to spend the rest of the year living together, like we were supposed to. Most of what I said was true. A lot of it wasn’t though.

Truth is, I’m almost too comfortable living here. When I think of home, this is where I want to be. But not if it costs Leah a future paved with opportunity—not if it causes pain for Houston. I can’t bring that on their house. Joyce wouldn’t want me to.

“I was worried,” he says, his voice groggy from the other side of the sofa as I push open the door. The lights are off. He’s been waiting for me, in the dark.

“I’m sorry,” I say. I pull out my phone to check if I missed any messages, but he didn’t text. He’s standing close to me when I look up; just not close enough to touch. That’s good. This will be easier if he doesn’t touch me.

“I didn’t text. I figured you wouldn’t see it until now anyhow,” he says, his grin that lopsided one he wears when he’s unsure of himself. He used to wear it a lot for me, in the beginning.

“I’m moving out,” I say. I practiced this all the way home. I took a cab, but made it drop me off a block away so I had time to talk to myself as I walked down the street. Every time I practiced, this was always the best plan—to say it, and to say it fast.

“Why are you doing this?” he asks, stepping closer. I step back once. He stops, and his eyes—oh god, they are so sad right now.

“Houston, I don’t know what’s going to happen, with the video. But I need to be able to focus on that, when the shit hits the fan,” I say. I wish my head didn’t hurt. I need to be on my game right now, and I’m not. My words are thin—this isn’t enough. I’m not saying enough. Everything hurts.

My heart…it hurts.

“Let me help,” he says. He always has an answer for every worry.

I close my eyes, but keep my hands up, guarding myself. I can’t let him touch me. I’ll never be able to leave if he touches me.

“That’s sweet, Houston. But I think maybe we rushed into things a little. This…living here—it’s going to distract me. And it’s not your fault. ” I’m just saying words, trying to string something brave together.

“I love you, Paige,” he says. The sound of his voice reaches into my chest and squeezes, so hard I think I might fall if I tried to walk. Joyce’s words play on repeat through my head, as does the flash of evil on Chandra’s face. If I stay here, can I promise I feel the same? And is it worth his daughter losing everything?

“No,” I shake my head. “You don’t, Houston. We were both…caught up.”

He rushes me when I’m weak, his hands finding my face, his thumbs stroking my cheek, his eyes penetrating mine. I’m locked in his hold, held hostage by his stare, and I need to pass this test. If I fail, he won’t let me go—and then I’ll ruin them all.

“Don’t run, Paige. And don’t lie—not to me. I love you, and you know I love you. You feel it. You feel it right here,” he says, pressing my palm flat against my chest, his hand over mine, my heart beating through us both. “And you love me too.”

“I don’t,” I say quickly. That’s my plan. Say the words that hurt quickly.

“Bullshit,” he says, his voice growing louder. He presses his lips to mine, his tongue working its way through my tight lips, which ultimately submit and betray me. His kiss feels amazing. It feels like home. And I have to stop it—now!