The Girl I Was Before (Falling #3)(29)
“I promise,” I say, crossing my heart and leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. Truth is, my mom is really my only other friend right now.
True to form, Lexi shows up right at ten minutes. I skip down the driveway to her car. She’s still driving the red Camaro she got for her sixteenth birthday, and the top is down. I pull the hair tie from my wrist and fasten my hair by my neck. Hopefully it will survive Lexi’s driving.
The ride to the mall is spent catching up. Lexi joined a sorority at Long Beach, and she’s also gotten involved with a few clubs on campus. She was always into things like student council and the social committees in high school, so nothing she says is a surprise. She has a boyfriend—some guy named Curtis. She met him at the first sorority mixer. I start to tell her about Carson, about how I met a guy too, but then I stop short, remembering everything my life is in Oklahoma. It’s not something I want to brag about, so instead, I lie.
“I haven’t really met anyone,” I say, shrugging. But for some reason, at that very moment, all I can think about is Houston.
“Well, you will. College is amazing, isn’t it?” she says, turning the car sharply to the right, fitting into a spot I’m fairly sure isn’t really a spot.
“It’s pretty great,” I respond, keeping my face from her while I exit the car. I can feign happiness in my words, but I don’t think I’m up for making happy faces.
We spend the first hour trying out new makeup samples. I sprayed my wrists with my favorite Chanel, but stopped there. I don’t like tainting the good scent with a bunch of crappy ones—I won’t even smell something I’m not sure I’m going to like. I have a feeling my parents bought me the new set for Christmas, so I buy a few new lip colors, but nothing else.
The afternoon is easy—like old times. And when we’re trying on boots at our favorite shoe store, I realize I’m actually smiling—from joy.
“I wish I would have stayed in California,” I let slip out. My eyes fall down to my hands working on a zipper for a knee-high pair of gray leather boots.
“You’re a good sister,” Lexi says, touching her hand to my arm. I wasn’t shy about telling everyone why I was going to Oklahoma. Paige, the martyr—giving up her dreams for her sister’s. Six months ago, having Lexi stroke my arm because she feels bad for me and is impressed with this sacrifice I’m making…that would have been enough. That would have satisfied me. Today, I don’t feel worthy.
“So, do I get to meet this Curtis guy?” I ask, changing the subject. There’s a flash of something in her face; I can’t tell for sure, but I think…I think it has to do with me.
“He lives in San Diego. I’m not even sure if I’ll see him over the break,” she says, her focus back to the box of black strappy heels she’s repackaging. I hold her gaze, willing her to look at me from the periphery, but she doesn’t budge. She’s avoiding me, because she knows I can tell when she’s lying.
“Right,” I say, taking in a deep breath and exhaling slowly while I let my teeth saw at the inside of my bottom lip. Six months ago, I wouldn’t even hesitate. I’d call her out right in front of me—ask her what she’s hiding. But now…I’m a little tired of sleuthing and finding out the ugly things really going on in people’s heads. I decide to let Lexi off the hook, and we step out from the store into the main area of the mall. The closer we get to the next store, the more I dismiss the feeling from moments before.
And then we run into more familiar faces. Courtney and Steph, the other half of our regular crew—the four of us inseparable only months before. Now, they look at me with what I can only describe as contempt, shifting their attention to Lexi, dismissing me with short waves of hello.
I’m standing on the outside of their very small circle, smiling and pretending they’re engaging me as they discuss some party happening in the Valley, plans for New Year’s, the state of Lexi’s parents’ ever-crumbling marriage, and then one of them makes an error.
“You should totally bring Curtis to the party, since he’s staying with you,” Steph says, only realizing she messed up when the silence practically chokes the other two.
I’ve heard when people leave the earth’s atmosphere, there’s a thin layer of space and time where they’re both inside and out—that small moment where they have a chance to stay or to abandon their world behind them. I’m in that moment now. I could continue to pretend—go home and never text or call Lexi again, letting my curiosity over why everyone is awkward and dismissive toward me eat away from the inside until there was nothing recognizable left. Or, I could find that last scrap of me that’s truly me and open my mouth. Either way, I’d be burning bridges, but by standing up for myself, at least I’d be going out with one hell of a fire.
“Yes, Lexi,” I say, twisting my head to face my now former-friend with a snap, catching her by surprise. She shouldn’t be surprised; she has no idea how weak I’ve become. This version of me—this is the only one she knows. “Bring Curtis. You were just saying how I should meet him soon.”
There’s no mistaking the expression on my face, the blaze in my eyes, and the word bitch that I’m holding back behind my newly-glossed and red lips. Lexi knows it. She’s caught, but she’s not going to cause a scene. She shakes her head with a polite smile and agrees with me.