The Gates (Samuel Johnson vs. the Devil #1)(19)

“Whatever,” said Samuel. “If it’s all about psychic vibrations, then why didn’t you take the form of something else?”

The demon muttered something.

“I beg your pardon,” said Samuel. “I didn’t quite catch that.”

“I said, ‘I can’t do psychic vibrations.’” The demon sounded embarrassed.

“Why not?”

“They’re hard, that’s why not. You try it, see how much luck you have.”

“So you just take a form and hope that it will be scary? That all sounds a bit casual, to be honest.”

“Look, it’s my first time,” said the demon. “Are you happy now? It’s. My. First. Time. And I have to say that you’re being very hurtful. You’re not making this easy, you know.”

“I’m not supposed to make it easy,” said Samuel. “What would be the point in that?”

“Just saying, that’s all,” said the demon. Samuel heard it sniff dismissively.

“Okay,” said Samuel. “I’m not very keen on spiders.”

“Really?” said the demon.

“Yes.”

“You’re not just saying?”

“No, I really don’t like them very much at all. Why don’t you start with that and see how you get along?”

“Oh, I will. Thanks very much. Very nice of you. Give me a minute, will you?”

“Take your time.”

“Right you are. Much appreciated. Don’t go anywhere, now.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” said Samuel.

He sat on the bed, humming to himself and patting Boswell. From under the mattress came various squelching sounds, and the occasional grunt of effort. Finally, there was silence.

“Er, a question,” said the demon.

“Yes?”

“Do spiders have ears?”

“Ears?”

“You know, huge big flappy things.”

“No. They feel vibrations with the hairs on their legs.”

“All right, all right, I didn’t ask for a lecture. It was just a simple question.”

There was silence again.

“What are the things with big flappy ears, then?” said the demon.

Samuel thought about the question. “Elephants?” he suggested.

“Elephants! They’re the ones. Right, are you scared of them?”

“No,” said Samuel.

“Awwww,” said the demon. “I give up. Let’s forget about the whole shape-shifting thing. Just climb off the bed and we’ll get this over with.”

Samuel didn’t move. “What will you do if I climb off the bed?”

“Well, I can eat you, or I can drag you down to the depths of Hell, never to be seen or heard from again. Depends, really.”

“On what?”

“Lots of things: hygiene, for a start. After tasting that sock, I don’t fancy eating any part of you, to be honest, so it’ll have to be the depths of Hell for you, I’m afraid.”

“But I don’t want to go to the depths of Hell.”

“Nobody wants to go to the depths of Hell. I’m a demon, and even I don’t want to go there. That’s the point, isn’t it? If I told you that I was going to take you for a nice holiday, or on a trip to the zoo, it wouldn’t be much of a threat, would it?”

“But why do you have to drag me off to Hell?”

“Orders.”

“Whose orders?”

“Can’t say.”

“Can’t say, or won’t say?”

“Both.”

“Why not?”

“She wouldn’t want me to.”

“Mrs. Abernathy?”

The demon didn’t reply.

“Oh come on, I know it’s her,” said Samuel. “You’ve already given most of it away.”

“Right then,” said the demon. “It’s her. Happy now?”

“Not really. I still don’t want to be dragged off to Hell.”

“Then we have what’s known as an impasse,” said the demon.

“How long can you stay down there?”

“First sign of daylight, then I have to depart. Them’s the rules, just like I can’t get you unless you step on the floor.”

“So if I just stay up here, then you can’t touch me?”

“I just said that, didn’t I? I don’t make the rules. I wish I did. This whole business would run a lot more smoothly, I can tell you.”

“Then I’ll simply stay here.”

“Great. You do that.”

Samuel folded his arms and stared at the far wall. From under the bed, he heard what sounded like tentacles being folded. Lots of tentacles.

“Not much point in you hanging around, though, is there, if I’m not going to set foot on the floor until you’re gone,” said Samuel.

The demon thought about this. “Suppose not,” it said.

“So why don’t you just leave? It can’t be very comfortable under there.”

“It’s not. Smells funny, too. And there’s something poking into me.”

Samuel heard scuffling from beneath the bed, and moments later a stray toy soldier was tossed against the wardrobe. “You don’t even want to know where that was,” said the demon.