The Breakdown(70)

I brace myself for his anger but he only shakes his head. ‘You can’t think like that,’ he says.

‘You know what the worst thing is?’ I continue.

‘Afterwards, I kept thinking that if I had stopped, I might have been murdered too. So I was glad that I hadn’t. What kind of person does that make me?’

‘Not a bad one,’ he says gently. ‘Just human.’

‘Why are you being so kind? Why aren’t you angry

with me?’

He gets to his feet. ‘Is that what you want?’ he says, looking down at me. ‘Is that why you’ve come here?

Do you want me to tell you that you’re responsible for Jane’s death and that you’re a terrible person? Because if you do, you’ve come to the wrong place.’

I shake my head. ‘That’s not why I’ve come.’

‘So what is it you want?’

‘I don’t know how much longer I can live with the

guilt I feel.’

‘You have to stop blaming yourself.’

‘I’ll never be able to do that.’

‘Look, Cass, if you want my forgiveness, I’ll give it to you gladly. I don’t blame you for not stopping, if the The Breakdown





267


roles had been reversed I doubt Jane would have stopped


to help you, she would have been too frightened to, just as you were.’

‘But at least she might have remembered to get

someone to check up on me.’

He picks up a photograph of the twins, all smiles and blonde curls. ‘Too many lives have already been ruined by Jane’s death,’ he says softly. ‘Don’t let it ruin yours.’

‘Thank you,’ I say, tears filling my eyes again. ‘Thank you so much.’

‘I’m just sorry you’ve been going through so much

anguish. Can I at least make you a cup of tea now?’

‘I don’t want to trouble you.’

‘I was going to make one when you knocked at the

door so it’s no trouble at all.’

By the time he comes back with the tea I’ve managed to compose myself. He asks about me so I tell him that I’m a teacher without mentioning that I’m not working at the moment. We talk about his little daughters and he admits he’s finding it hard being a full-time dad mainly because he misses his job, adding that when his colleagues had asked him to go in for lunch the previous week, it was the first time since Jane’s death that he’d felt up to seeing people again.

‘And how was it?’ I ask.

‘I didn’t go because I didn’t have anyone to look after the girls. Both sets of parents live too far away to pop over at short notice, although they’re brilliant at coming over at the weekend. But it’s still very difficult for Jane’s





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b a paris


parents, you know, seeing the girls. They look so much like her.’

‘Don’t you have anyone locally who can help you out?’

‘No, not really.’

‘I’d be happy to babysit any time,’ I say. He looks taken aback. ‘I’m sorry, that’s a stupid thing to say, you don’t know me so of course you’re not going to trust me with the girls.’

‘Well, thank you for your offer anyway.’

I drain my cup, aware of an awkwardness between

us. ‘I’d better go,’ I say, standing up. ‘Thank you for allowing me to talk to you.’

‘As long as you’re feeling better about everything.’

‘Yes,’ I say, ‘I am.’

He walks me to the door and I have a sudden urge to confide in him about the calls I’ve been getting.

‘Was there something else?’ he asks.

‘No, it’s fine,’ I say, because I can’t intrude on him any longer.

‘Goodbye then.’

‘Goodbye.’

I walk slowly towards the gate, wondering if I’ve

missed my chance, because there’s no way I can turn up on his doorstep uninvited again.

‘Maybe I’ll see you in the park someday!’ he calls.

‘Maybe,’ I say, realising that he’s been watching me.

‘Goodbye.’

It’s around four by the time I arrive back at the house, too late in the day to take a pill, so I decide to sit in the The Breakdown





269


garden until Matthew arrives. I’m not going to tell him


that I’ve been out today because if I do I’ll have to lie about where I’ve been and if I lie, it might come back to bite me if I can’t remember what I told him. The heat makes me thirsty so I go into the house, remembering to turn off the alarm on the way in, and head for the kitchen. I open the door and find myself pausing on the threshold. My eyes scan the room; a prickle of unease goes down my spine. Everything seems as it should be but I know that it’s not, I know that since I left this morning, something has changed.

I move slowly back into the hall and stand as still as I can, listening for the slightest sound. There is nothing, only silence, but I know that doesn’t mean there isn’t someone there. I take the phone from the hall table and slip quietly back through the front door, pulling it shut behind me. I move away from the house, making sure to stay just inside the gate so that the phone is still in range and, with shaking fingers, I dial Matthew’s number.