The Breakdown(62)

‘Stop going on at me!’

‘Going on at you? I’ve just saved your skin, Cass!’

Knowing he’s right, I back off. ‘What did Mary say?’

He retrieves his bottle of beer from where he left it on the counter. ‘There wasn’t much she could say. I told her that you’d had a few health problems over the summer and that you were taking medication and she wasn’t altogether surprised. Apparently, she was worried about you last term.’

‘Oh,’ I say, deflated.

‘She didn’t say anything at the time because she

thought it was just fatigue making you forgetful and that you’d be all right after the summer break.’

I give a hollow laugh. ‘She’s probably relieved I’m not going back then,’ I say, mortified that Mary had noticed my memory lapses.

‘On the contrary, she said they would miss you and

to let her know as soon as you feel up to going back.’

‘That was nice of her,’ I say, feeling guilty.

‘Everybody’s rooting for you, Cass. We all want you to get better.’

Tears blur my eyes. ‘I know.’

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‘You’ll have to get a medical certificate from Dr


Deakin.’

‘Could you ask him?’

I feel his eyes on me. ‘All right.’

‘And could you take me to the supermarket? I don’t

want to drive while I’m on the pills and we need food.’

‘Do the pills really affect you that much?’

I hesitate, because if I tell him that they do, he might ask Dr Deakin to reduce the dose.

‘I’d rather not risk driving, that’s all.’

‘Fair enough. We’ll go tomorrow.’

‘You don’t mind?’

‘Of course I don’t mind. Anything I can do to make

your life easier, tell me and I’ll do it.’

‘I know,’ I say gratefully. ‘I know.’

TUESDAY SEPTEMBER 1st

I can hardly wait for Matthew to bring up my breakfast tray so that I can start taking my pills again. I’d forgotten it was a bank holiday yesterday so I haven’t taken any pills for three days now. I never take any at weekends in case Matthew realises how much they affect me, I just hide them in my drawer. Besides, with him around, I don’t really need them to get through the day. I still need them at night though, otherwise I’d lie awake thinking about Jane, about her murder, about her murderer, who still hasn’t been caught. And who is still phoning me.

I caught myself a couple of times during the weekend eyeing the pills, wondering if I could take maybe one, just to calm me. The first time was on Saturday morning when we came back with a car full of shopping. We’d had a coffee out and I’d enjoyed being back in the real world, if only for a while. Back home, I was putting the shopping away, marvelling at how a fridge full of food Title: The Breakdown ARC, Format: 126x198, v1, Output date:08/11/16





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b a paris


could make me feel that I was back in control of my life when Matthew took out a beer.

‘I may as well start as I mean to go on,’ he said

cheerfully.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, wondering if he felt

the need to get drunk just to be able to put up with the increasing demands I make on him.

‘Well, if Andy makes one of his curries tonight, we’ll probably be having beer with it.’

I took a long time putting the cheeses we’d bought

into the fridge, playing for time. ‘Are you sure it’s tonight we’re going to Hannah and Andy’s?’

‘Bank Holiday Saturday, that’s what you told me. Do you want me to phone and check?’

The information meant nothing to me but I didn’t

want Matthew to guess I’d forgotten. ‘No, it’s fine.’

He took a sip of his beer and fished his mobile from his pocket. ‘I think I’ll check, all the same. It won’t hurt.’

He phoned Hannah, who confirmed that she was

definitely expecting us.

‘Apparently, you’re bringing dessert,’ Matthew said, when he hung up.

‘Oh yes,’ I said, fighting down panic, hoping I had enough ingredients to at least make a cake of some sort.

‘I could go and get something from Bértrand’s, if

you like.’

‘Maybe one of their strawberry tarts,’ I said gratefully.

‘You don’t mind?’

‘No, of course not.’

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Even though another embarrassment had been


avoided, my mood took a dive. I glanced at the calendar hanging on the wall and saw something written in the square for Saturday. I waited until Matthew had left the room and went over to see what it said. ‘Hannah and Andy’s 7 p.m.’ I tried not to let it get me down but it was hard.

Then, over dinner, Hannah asked if I was looking

forward to going back to school. I hadn’t thought about what I was going to tell people so there was a bit of an awkward silence until Matthew stepped in.