The Breakdown(61)

The Breakdown





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The presenters on the shopping channel have become


like old friends. Today the goods on offer are watches studded with little crystals, and I’m glad I’m too tired to go and fetch my bag from the bedroom. The house phone starts ringing; I close my eyes and let sleep take me. I love the feeling of being slowly lowered into oblivion and, when the pills begin to wear off some hours later, the gentle tugging back to reality. Today, as I drowse in the no-man’s land between sleep and wake, I become aware of a presence, of someone nearby. It feels as if he’s in the room looking down at me, not on the other side of the window. I lie very still, my senses sharpening as the seconds tick by, my breathing becoming shallower, my body tensing. And when I can bear the waiting no longer, I snap my eyes open, expecting to see him looming over me with a knife in his hand, my heart beating so hard I can hear it thudding in my chest. But there is no one there and when I turn my head towards the window, there is no one there either.

By the time Matthew comes home an hour later, the

sausage casserole is in the oven, the table is set and to make up for the lack of any kind of second course, I’ve opened a bottle of wine.

‘That looks good,’ he says. ‘But first, I need a beer.

Can I get you something?’ He walks over to the fridge, opens the door. Even I flinch at the empty shelves. ‘Oh – didn’t you do any shopping today?’

‘I thought maybe we could go tomorrow.’





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‘You said you’d go on your way back from your

meeting,’ he says, taking out a beer and closing the fridge door. ‘How did it go, by the way?’

I look surreptitiously at the calendar on the wall and see the words ‘Inset Day’ under today’s date. My heart sinks.

‘I decided not to go,’ I tell him. ‘There didn’t seem much point when I’m not going back to work.’

He looks at me in surprise. ‘When did you decide

that?’

‘We talked about it, remember. I said I didn’t feel up to going back and you said we could talk to Dr Deakin about it.’

‘We also said we’d wait to see how you felt after a couple of weeks on the pills. But if that’s what you want.’

He takes a bottle opener from the drawer and takes the cap off his beer. ‘Does Mary think she’ll be able to find somebody to replace you at such short notice?’

I turn away so that he can’t see my face. ‘I don’t

know.’

He takes a drink straight from the bottle. ‘Well, what did she say when you told her you weren’t going back?’

‘I don’t know,’ I mumble.

‘She must have said something,’ he persists.

‘I haven’t told her yet. I only really decided today.’

‘But she must have wanted to know why you weren’t

going to the meeting.’

I’m saved from answering by a ring at the doorbell.

Leaving him to go and answer it, I sit down at the table The Breakdown





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and put my head in my hands, wondering how I could


have forgotten about the Inset day. It’s only when I hear Matthew apologising profusely to someone that I realise Mary is at the door and, horrified, I pray that he’s not going to invite her in.

‘That was Mary.’ I lift my head and see him standing in front of me. He waits for me to react, to say something but I can’t, I don’t know how to any more. ‘She’s gone,’

he adds. For the first time in our marriage he looks angry. ‘You haven’t told her a thing, have you? Why haven’t you answered any of her messages?’

‘I didn’t see them. I’ve lost my mobile,” I tell him, sounding worried. ‘I can’t find it anywhere.’

‘When did you last have it?’

‘I think it might have been the night we went out for dinner. I haven’t really been using it as much lately, so I didn’t notice until now.’

‘It’s probably somewhere in the house.’

I shake my head. ‘I’ve looked everywhere, and in the car too. I tried calling the restaurant but they haven’t got it either.’

‘Well what about your computer, have you lost that

too? And why haven’t you been answering the house

phone? Apparently, everyone from the school has been trying to get hold of you – Mary, Connie, John. At first they thought we must have gone away on a last-minute holiday but when you didn’t turn up for the meeting today Mary thought she’d better come round and check that everything was all right.’





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‘It’s the pills,’ I mumble. ‘They knock me out.’

‘Then we’d better ask Dr Deakin to reduce the dose.’

‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘If you’re capable of ordering things from a magazine, you’re capable of getting back to your colleagues, especially your boss. Mary was very understanding but she must be angry.’