The Breakdown(32)

Matthew said I must have been tricked into signing it and I went along with it because it got me off the hook.

But I think we both knew I wasn’t.’

She churns it over in her mind. ‘You know what I think? I think you were probably coerced into it in some way. You said you didn’t like the man, that he made you feel uncomfortable, so maybe you agreed to the alarm to get rid of him and after, you blocked the whole episode from your subconscious because you were ashamed you’d let yourself be taken advantage of.’

The Breakdown





115


‘I never thought of that.’


‘I’m sure that’s what happened,’ she says firmly. ‘So stop worrying.’

‘But that doesn’t explain the rest. What about the present I was supposed to buy for Susie, what about inviting Hannah and Andy for lunch?’ I don’t mention forgetting that she was meant to be spending the night with me.

‘How long ago did your mother die, Cass?’

‘Just over two years ago.’

‘And in that time you’ve gone back to work, got married and moved house. Basically, you’ve reinvented yourself. For someone who spent the previous three years caring day and night for someone with full-blown dementia, I’d say you’ve done too much too quickly and have reached burnout.’

I nod slowly, thinking about it, and the more I think about it, the more I begin to believe that she’s right.

‘It has been a bit of a whirlwind,’ I admit.

‘There you are then.’

‘But what if it’s more than that?’

‘What do you mean?’

It’s hard to voice my worst fear. ‘What if I’m becoming like Mum? What if I start forgetting every little thing, like she did?’

‘Is that what you’re worried about?’

‘Be honest, Rachel, have you noticed anything?’

‘No, nothing. Sometimes you’re a little distracted…’

‘Am I?’





116


b a paris


‘You know, when you start thinking about something else and don’t hear a word I’m saying.’

‘Do I?’

‘Don’t look so worried, we all do it!’

‘So you don’t think I’m heading in that direction?’

She shakes her head vigorously. ‘No, I don’t.

‘What about the phone calls?’

‘They’re just random calls. There’s nothing sinister about them,’ she says earnestly. ‘What you need is a rest. You should get Matthew to take you somewhere you can relax.’

‘I’ve just had five days away. Anyway, it’s difficult for him to have time off in August. You’re off soon, aren’t you?’

‘On Saturday,’ she says happily. ‘I can’t wait! Oh good, here’s lunch.’

By the time Rachel leaves, fifteen minutes later than she should have, I feel so much better. She’s right about my life since Mum died. Basically, I’ve gone from one with very little excitement and a lot of routine to one full of new experiences. It’s normal that everything I’ve been through has suddenly caught up with me and thrown me off-balance. It’s a minor blip, not a major disaster. All I need is to put Jane’s murder from my mind, stop thinking that there’s something sinister in the phone calls I’ve been getting and concentrate on what’s important to me, which is Matthew. It gives me an idea and instead of heading towards the car park, I turn back the way I came.

The Breakdown





117


*


I stand for a while in front of the window of the Baby Boutique, looking at the gorgeous baby clothes on display. Then pushing the door open, I go inside. There’s a young couple, the woman heavily pregnant, looking at prams for their soon-to-be-born baby, and the thought that one day it’ll be Matthew and me standing there choosing a pram for our child fills me with a longing that takes my breath away. I begin to look through the rails of clothes and find a tiny sleep-suit decorated with pastel-coloured balloons. The shop assistant, a petite young woman with the longest hair I’ve ever seen comes over to see if she can help.

‘Yes, I’d like to buy this,’ I say, handing her the sleep-suit.

‘It’s gorgeous, isn’t it? Would you like it gift-wrapped?’

‘No, it’s fine thank you, it’s for me.’

‘How lovely! When’s your baby due?’

Her question throws me and I feel embarrassed that I’m buying a sleep-suit for a baby that doesn’t exist.

‘Oh, I’m only just pregnant,’ I hear myself say.

She laughs delightedly and pats her stomach. ‘Me too!’

‘Congratulations!’ I turn and see the young couple coming towards us. ‘Do you know yet if it’s a boy or a girl?’ the young woman asks, looking at me.

I shake my head quickly. ‘Early days.’

‘Mine’s a boy,’ she says proudly. ‘Due next month.’

‘Lovely.’





118


b a paris


‘We can’t make up our minds which buggy to buy,’