The Absence of Olivia(56)

I took a sharp right turn and headed toward a restroom I’d seen before the ceremony, ripping my hand from Elliot’s.

“Evie!” I heard him calling from behind me, but I couldn’t turn and look him in the face. I made it to the restroom, locked the door, and then put down all the barriers I’d had up for so long. I let my guard down, let the wall down around my heart, and I cried. I sat on the toilet, face in my hands, and cried loud and gut wrenching sobs. My mind was torturing me with images of Devon looking at his bride with love, holding their baby, spending a wonderful life with her, my best friend, and my soul shattered like a sheet of ice, fragments shooting in all different directions, with sharp and jagged edges.

I don’t know how long someone had been knocking on the door – I was unaware of my surroundings – but when the knocking turned into banging and shouting, my brain finally recognized the sounds of someone on the other side of the door.

“Evie, I’m worried about you. Please, open the door.” Elliot’s voice was loud and, indeed, worried. I stood, my legs shaky and weak, and walked to the sink, wetting some paper towels. I heard Elliot’s muffled voice talking to someone else and then suddenly the door burst open. I saw a man in a blue jumpsuit with a nametag that read, “Bud,” and Elliot barrel through the door past him. “Evie,” he said, my name like a prayer on his lips, rushing toward me.

“Are you all right?” he asked as his hands came to my shoulders, his eyes running up and down my body, looking for any kind of injury or clue as to why I would have locked myself in the restroom.

My first instinct was to tell him that I was fine; old habits die hard. But the words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him, or myself, any longer. So instead, I shook my head. Immediately more tears sprung to my eyes.

“What’s wrong, babe?” His words were soft and concerned and the weight I was carrying around shifted, becoming altogether heavier with his sweetness.

“I can’t marry you.” I’d spoken the words without really thinking about them and instantly wished I could take them back, rephrase them, and soften the edges a little, instead of just blurting out the words that I knew would leave his soul entirely shattered as mine was, even if for different reasons.

He was shocked for a moment, but then he moved closer to me, bringing his body within inches of mine, bending at the knees to look into my eyes.

“Evelyn, let me take you home. You’re obviously upset about something. I don’t think you should be here. Let’s go.” His eyes were pleading with me to let him take care of me, to let him smooth over whatever I was upset about, and that would have been easy. Obviously, he was just as good as I was at pretending everything was all right, because if he weren’t we would have ended long ago. We’d both been pretending, but I knew he was only biding his time, hopeful I’d eventually return his feelings with the same depth and investment he had shown me. But it had to end.

“I can’t go with you, and I can’t marry you. It wouldn’t be right. We both know it.”

He was quiet for another moment, and then he took a step backward, his hands dropping from me. I’d never felt as cold or empty as I did the moment the warmth of his hands faded from my bare skin. That warmth might have been the last time I felt a man’s hands on me, and even though I wasn’t in love with him, his touch had never been anything but wonderful.

“This is about Devon,” he accused. I shook my head.

“No, this is about me. About us. It’s got nothing to do with him.”

“Bullshit.” His voice was laced with an anger I’d never heard from him before. Gone was the Elliot who wanted to care for me and he was replaced with someone filled with fury. “You think I’m stupid enough to believe it’s a coincidence you’re having a breakdown at Devon’s wedding. For Christ’s sake, Evelyn, don’t insult me by playing dumb.” He took in a deep breath and seemed to calm down a bit. “I thought you were coming around, thought you’d realized what we had was a good thing.” He moved closer to me again, but I took a step back, which only made him inhale a sharp breath. I’d never pulled away from him before.

“I don’t think you’re stupid, Elliot. And I do think that what we had was a good thing. But, I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t keep hoping that one day I’ll move from loving you – and I do love you – to being in love with you.”

“You mean you were hoping you’d fall out of love with Devon.”

I opened my mouth, but I had no words to argue with him. He was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. My hands dropped to my sides, and more tears sprung from my eyes.

“He’s in love with Olivia. He just married her.”

“I know,” I whispered, still not looking him in the eye.

“She’s your best friend,” he said, the accusation implied – I was in love with my best friend’s husband; it was the ultimate betrayal.

“This doesn’t have to do with either of them,” I cried. “Yes, I’m in love with Devon, but it doesn’t matter. The only part that matters right now is that I’m not in love with you.” The words came out harsher than I would have liked. I would have loved to make it through this exchange without hurting him at all, but in that moment I felt careless and horrible. “Devon isn’t what’s important here,” I said as a way of trying to redirect the confrontation. “I care about you, Elliot, but it would be wrong of me to marry you when I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry. That’s the truth. I am sorry. I wanted to be happy with you. You don’t know how many times I’ve prayed that I would find my way to the place you seemed to get to so easily, a place where I could fall in love with you, but it never happened.”