The Absence of Olivia(55)

I pulled away from him, my hand coming to my lips. I didn’t know if I was trying to keep a part of him on my lips, or if I was ashamed they’d been there to begin with. All I knew was that it was wrong. It was all wrong.

“Evie…” he pleaded.

“No,” I said, shaking my head and getting to my feet. His hand reached out and grabbed my arm, spinning me around to face him again.

“Evie, please, you have to know I’ve wanted that for so long.”

“No,” I said again. We would not have that conversation. I couldn’t. I pulled on my arm, trying to free myself from his grasp, but he held strong.

“Please, don’t pull away from me. I couldn’t bear to lose you too.”

“You have to leave,” I said, my words muffled through my hand still covering my mouth.

“Talk to me,” he pleaded.

“You have to go.” I pulled my arm free with a hard tug and then walked quickly to the bathroom. I pushed the door closed behind me, locked it, and then leaned my forehead against it as I finally let the cries out.





Chapter Sixteen


Olivia and Devon’s Wedding Day

“You doing okay, Evie?” Olivia’s voice floated through the hotel room and brought me out of my daze. My mind was elsewhere. Probably because a large part of me wanted to be anywhere but there. I knew watching Olivia marry Devon would be difficult, but she was my best friend and I wanted to be there for her.

My eyes moved down to my ring finger and focused on the square-cut diamond solitaire engagement ring I was still trying to get used to wearing.

“I’m fine,” I said without any kind of feeling or conviction.

“Were you surprised?”

“By what?” I asked, still staring at the ring, trying to convince my mind that it was, in fact, my finger on which the ring was situated.

“By Elliot’s proposal. Duh,” Liv giggled. She was sitting in a chair across the room while a stylist worked on her hair.

“Oh. Right. Yeah.”

The truth was, I’d never been more confused in my life.

The night before, at Devon and Olivia’s rehearsal dinner, Elliot had stood to make his speech as best man. I hadn’t thought much of it. He was doing a great job – talking about how Devon had been smart not to let the woman he loved get away, that when you know you’re with the one you want to spend forever with, you should grab hold tight. The next thing I knew he was at my side, down on one knee, with a little black velvet box in hand, asking me to marry him.

I’d never felt more guilty than when my eyes fluttered over his shoulder and met with Devon’s.

But Devon didn’t stand up, and he didn’t shout to me not to do it. Not that I expected him to. But I did see him swallow hard and it kind of looked like he wanted to throw up. Me too.

“Babe?” Elliot asked, still holding my hand, waiting for me to tell him whether I’d spend the rest of my life with him or not.

I looked into Elliot’s eyes and said the only thing I could think of. “Yes.”

He pushed the ring onto my finger and stood up, hugging me, lifting me into the air and kissing my cheek. He seemed so happy.

“Evelyn,” Liv’s voice cut through my mental fog again. “Earth to Evelyn,” she giggled. “You guys must have had a lot of engagement sex last night.”

I forced a laugh, trying to seem like she’d hit the nail on the head. I wanted her to believe I was tired because I’d spent all night having passionate sex with my new fiancé. I didn’t want her to know I’d lost sleep because I was trying to come up with any feasible reason to get out of it without hurting anyone.

Elliot was a great guy. I loved him. He’d been good to me. But everything about the night before only solidified for me that it was over a long time ago. When someone asks you to marry him and the first thing you feel is overwhelming dread, that’s when you know it’s time to move on. I couldn’t marry Elliot. I couldn’t do that to him. He deserved someone much better than me, someone who would love him with as much enthusiasm as he loved them.

Two hours later, I watched my best friend exchange vows with the man I’d been in love with for years, a love I knew I’d never get the opportunity to express. Never get the opportunity to stand up in front of a group of people and hear him vow to love me until death parted us.

Because I was the maid of honor, I faced Liv’s back with my eyes locked on Devon.

He said his vows and I could see the love radiating from him. I watched as his eyes lit up with his words, how his voice grew sharp with promises and emotion. And when the tears slipped down my cheeks, I plastered on a fake smile so that people would think I was crying happy tears, not sad, devastating ones.

I watched with a painful ache in my chest as Liv kissed her new husband.

Suddenly, the years of longing and the way I’d resigned myself to simply being around him without ever feeling his hands on me was all too much. I was realizing that I would be living this way forever. Just as he’d taken the vow to love Liv until the day he died, I realized it would never end for me.

This had always been my reality, but faced with an eternity of never being with Devon was too much to handle in that moment. I walked behind the happy couple, hand in hand with Elliot, trying to keep the devastation from my face as I followed them back down the aisle. When we made it right outside the doors of the church, Devon and Liv stopped to share a kiss, his hands framing her face, and her eyes filled with actual tears of happiness.