Tank (Moonshine Task Force Book 2)(48)
“I understand that now,” he pulls me into his arms, rocking me against his chest. “I saw that tonight as you helped Stella, and now I understand it so much better. I wish you would’ve told me this before, but I know it hurts and it’s hard.”
“So hard,” I feel fresh tears. “I’m gonna go through all these events in my life she’s never going to have. I’m going to get married, have children, and she’s never going to see it, she never got to experience it. There are some days I feel so damn guilty,” I break off, shaking my head.
“You’re living the life she couldn’t. I have no doubt if your moods started swinging, you’d get help. You’d ask why.”
“But I would ask why because of her. Nobody would help her,” she protests.
“Ten years ago, we didn’t understand mental illness the way we do now, Blaze. It’s a sad but true statement, and you have enough people in your life that recognize the symptoms. You wouldn’t be left alone, baby. I promise you that. I’d go to the ends of the earth to help and save you. I know it doesn’t seem like it after I was such an asshole about your job, but I promise you I’ve changed.”
“I know you have. We’re both to blame for that,” she admits. “You for not understanding, but me too for not explaining. We’re on a clean slate now, right?” I want this man to be in my life forever, and if that means being more honest with him than I’ve ever been with anyone else, I’ll do it. I love Trevor Trumbolt with every piece of me, and I will lay myself bare before him – completely broken and I know he’ll put me back together again.
“Yeah, we’re in this together,” he clasps our fingers together. “No one can break this bond.”
And finally, for the first time in my life, I feel like I can breathe without the guilt of my sister’s death on my conscience. That weight has finally been lifted, and it feels better than I ever imagined it could.
“I wanna go to her grave together, if we can, I want to introduce you to her,” I tell Trevor. “I know that sounds weird, but when I need to talk to her, I go to her grave.”
“We can do whatever you need to. I’ll do anything you need me to. We’re in this together, Blaze. You never have to deal with anything on your own again.”
I slump against him then, suddenly so tired. He picks me up and carries me to the bed we’ve been sharing since he came home from the hospital. Together we lie down, and when I close my eyes, I go into the deepest sleep I think I’ve ever had.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Tank
The next morning, we both wake up somber and apologetic toward each other. “I’m sorry about how everything played out yesterday,” I hold Blaze’s head on my chest, running my fingers through her soft hair. “What happened was not at all how I meant for things to go, but if it got everything out in the open for us, then I’m willing to be thankful.”
She’s quiet for a few moments before she kisses my bicep, then raises her eyes to meet mine. “I regret us regressing back to saying mean words to one another. We could’ve had a peaceful discussion if we wouldn’t have been so hot-headed, but like you, I’m glad it’s all out in the open. I’ve wanted to tell you about Annabelle for a long time, but I didn’t know how to approach the conversation. With my parents acting like she never existed and I’m an only child, I never know how to tell anyone about her.”
“Do you want to tell people about her?” I ask. I’ve been up for a long time watching her sleep, going through the memories of us being together, trying to put together the pieces that make up this woman I love.
Propping herself up on her elbow, she gives me a gorgeous smile and her eyes shine bright. “I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen about Annabelle, it’s just hard for me to talk about her.”
I grab her free hand, pulling it up to mine for a kiss. “People say the more you talk about things that are difficult, the easier they get.”
“I know, but I’m never sure how to start out the story. I’m never sure how much to divulge. There were so many angles and crevices to her, you could know her your whole life and still not know everything there was to know. I found journals after she died, and some of those journals shed some light on what was going on inside her mind. She had to have been so scared, Trev,” she swallows roughly. “To not have any help, to be self-medicating because that’s all she knew how to do. Some days I hate myself for not seeing it.”
“Babe, even if you did, you wouldn’t have known what to do.”
There’s been one idea in the back of my mind since I woke up early this morning. It woke me up from a dead sleep and I kind of feel like it’s Annabelle’s way of making sure Blaze does something amazing. “What if you could help people in the same situation?” I ask, carefully, not wanting to step on her toes.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if you use some of the money you hate so much to set up a trust and a program to help young adults whose parents don’t understand what they’re going through? What if the program helps these young adults become medicated – if they chose to be – and it gets them the counseling they need to deal with the highs and lows of their condition? You have a great foundation in knowing what Annabelle needed, babe, all you need is someone to help you make this work. Hell, I bet Whitney could get you into contact with the right people.”