Take Me With You(109)

I hang up before I can say anything else stupid and I get ready as quickly as I can so I can go somewhere he can't reach me.





I spend my day in the library, flipping through pages that don't interest me. I'm restless today, full of secrets and emotions I can't let out. I have to do the opposite of what I feel urged to do. So I decide to stop by and surprise Carter for lunch. He's a TA and usually in the TA lounge between classes, so I drive over there but don't see him. Someone tells me he's in one of the lecture halls, wrapping up a class.

I find the hall; a door is propped open. I walk towards it and hear his voice conversing with another. She's emotional. I stop before they can see me and peek just over the corner. A strawberry blond with feathered hair and big glasses stands in front of him. She's bracing her books across her chest. That's all I can gather before I have to hide behind the doorway.

The acoustics of the lecture hall make it easy to gather most of the conversation, even from the top tier.

“I don't understand…you said this would be temporary. It's been almost two months, Carter.”

“You don't understand. She's been through a lot.”

“So that makes this okay? Just be honest with me. Do you love me?”

“Of course.”

“But not more than her.”

“Can you please understand the position I'm in? We were engaged before she was taken away. It's all very confusing.”

“Well, it is for me too. One day, I'm practically living in your place. You're telling me you love me and how you can finally see a future with someone else, and then the next you get a phone call and tell me I have to pack my things. That she's back and you have to make sure she's okay. That was all you were going to do. Make sure she was okay. But now she's living there, and you are going on vacations—” She stops to sob.

“I'm not the kind of person who leaves someone when they're down.”

“So what? It's your responsibility to take care of her forever? You keep saying she's not well, but she doesn't want to go to therapy. You say this is just something you have to do, but—I don't even have to ask if you are having sex. I can't keep waiting. Just let me go,” she begs.

“I can't tell you to leave. I still care about you.”

“You have to make a choice. Either you start a new life with me, or you just take care of someone who I'm not even sure loves you anymore. But I won't keep waiting here, sleeping alone at night while you try to fuck her pain away. It's sick, this whole thing.”

That's about all I can take before I turn and rush out of the building, tossing the lunch in the garbage as I wipe away tears. None of this has ever felt real. Because it wasn't. I kept telling myself I could make it more real than the life I left behind, but now I know it's not possible. Because Carter is faking it too. We're faking it for each other. We think that the other needs us. But we're holding on to an illusion.

I've only ever felt so completely desired by one person. This world found a way to move on without me. I was dead. Coming back has only thrown it off kilter. We all keep trying to find our balance, but it wobbles on its axis like a top spinning on its fragile tip, waiting to topple over.

My mother did her duty, she got me to adulthood and she's ready to get back to the life she stepped away from.

Johnny is thriving without me. And even if my mother would let me, I'm not the girl who can take care of him anymore. Not the way I once could. I can barely do it for myself.

And Carter, sweet Carter. I don't blame him. I'm not angry with him. He deserves someone who would cry and beg for him like that. Not someone who answers the phone to her kidnapper. Who protects the man who disrupted our lives. Not someone who has to try so hard to love him.

Ever since I returned, I have felt unsettled. Always uneasy. I'm not safe. And the only way I can feel at ease again is to go back towards the flames. Go into the fiery building and let it overtake me. I might turn to ash, but at least I won't live in fear of being burnt.

I may have a purpose. But it's not here anymore. It may not be a happy one. But my story doesn't happen here. It happens with Sam. Sheriff Ridgefield might think this is over, but this isn't over until I say it is.

I run into the apartment I share with Carter and grab a pen and paper.



Dear Carter,



I can't thank you enough for the love and support you have shown me. Before and after I was taken. You deserve a life full of love and devotion. And I can't do this. I have to leave. I have to start somewhere else. Maybe one day I'll come back and we'll see each other. But you should move on. Take someone else to Tahoe. It's not my place anymore. I'll be fine. I just need to go my own way for a while. Please don't look for me. I'll be back when I'm ready. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything.



Love,

Vesper



I grab my bags, Sam's box shoved safely at the bottom of one, and try to find something real.





I've been sitting in this diner for about two hours. I'm on my fourth cup of coffee and my runny eggs sit there, cold. I have to eat them. I don't have a job and all I have to live on are the savings I had before I left, money intended for nursing school tuition, and some money my mother, well really my stepdad, threw my way to help me get on my feet. It's enough to last me a few months, but letting this nutrition sit on the plate is foolish. I try to will myself to take a bite, but I can't. I'm closer to him. I can feel it.