Tabula Rasa(14)

“I-is my name even Elodie?”

Shannon eased still closer to me. “I don’t remember. The news stopped running the pictures and story a few months ago. There were some big school shootings, and the news cycle moved on. There were no new leads on your story, I guess, so they never picked it back up.”

A sinking dread started to form a knot in the pit of my stomach. “He wasn’t my husband.” Of course he wasn’t my husband. Trevor had lied. About everything.

Shannon shook his head. “The news didn’t make it sound that way.”

“But there were pictures of us together in his wallet.” We must have at least had one date. “He told me the world had ended. And... I believed him.”

“Waking up here, no doubt you would. A lot of people don’t even think about places like this existing,” Shannon said gently.

I started to think back to the way I’d felt about Trevor when I’d first awakened—the giant f*ck no that had filled my brain at his presence, the big screaming flashing lights that told me this guy was bad news.

I turned away and vomited my dinner on the floor. Then I turned back to Shannon, embarrassed and ashamed by everything... that I’d been sleeping with my captor that I hadn’t even known was my captor, that I was naked and wrapped in a sheet covered in said captor’s blood, that I’d just thrown up in front of this stranger whose face held the most horrible pity I could imagine.

“Let’s get you cleaned up and go outside. My team has a bunch of supplies, and then—”

“N-no.” My lip started to tremble, and I couldn’t make it stop. “I can’t. I can’t stand for them to see me and look at me the way you’re looking at me.”

“Well we have to report this, get you to the police, get you some help.”

I could barely cope with the enormity of the truth as it was. Moments ago, I’d thought I might have to seduce the man who killed my husband in order to keep eating and living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland of a world I wasn’t fully sure I wanted to stay in. No part of that was true. And now, suddenly, the idea of facing the police and the media and the world... it was a new horror that was only just now dawning on top of everything else, and I couldn’t confront it.

“NO! No police. No.” I couldn’t imagine the media swarming all over me and then everybody in the country having the look on their face that Shannon had on his. Even if I couldn’t see it, I’d know it was happening. Millions of people saying that poor girl like a useless prayer.

“But what about your family and friends?”

“You said nobody came forward. They put my picture everywhere, and nobody knows or cares about me enough to have said anything yet.”

“But there might still be someone out there. You must have some family out there. Friends. Co-workers. Someone important in your life...”

“NO!” I was screaming now, loud enough that I was afraid his team might somehow hear me and come running in anyway. I softened my tone, hoping they hadn’t heard my outburst and said, “Please, please, I can’t do this again. I can’t have someone come in and tell me stories about my life I don’t remember that I just have to trust and believe are true. I never want to hear another story about my own life that I can’t confirm with my own memories. He made me believe...”

“I know.”

I shook my head. “You don’t know. I believed I loved him. I slept with him, willingly.” As mortifying as it was to say, it wasn’t as if this man couldn’t figure that out with what he’d been about to walk in on. It was somehow important to me that he know Trevor hadn’t thrown me down and had his way with me, that at least I’d wanted, or thought I’d wanted, to be with him.

“I’m sorry,” Shannon said.

“I thought we were surviving together in a collapsed world. He took good care of me. I felt safe with him. B-but then you show up, and you rip that reality away, and now I’m not a survivor anymore building a life with somebody who loves me. I’m a victim. And he died with me crying over losing him. He’s won. I can’t ever take that victory away from him. I can’t trust anybody else to tell me the truth about me. Please just go. Forget you found me. I’ll figure something out when the sun comes up. P-please.”

By this point, he’d managed to inch his way to within reaching distance of me. “Elodie, the park is dangerous and hard to get in and out of. You have to at least let me help you get out of here, and give you something decent to wear.”

I watched warily as he took the pack off his back. He unzipped it and tossed me some pants and a T-shirt. After sizing me up, he gave me a nylon belt that I’m not a hundred percent sure was really meant to hold pants up.

He turned his back to me and waited. I stood there for a moment, staring at the clothes in my hands, still gripping the bloody sheets around my body.

“I’m not going to look. I promise. Just put some clothes on. I need you to stay here in the present moment, no matter how unpleasant it is. I don’t want you to go into shock. Start moving.”

I dropped the sheets on the ground and put the clothes on.

“O-okay, you can turn around.”

The walkie talkie crackled again. “Shannon. You okay? Where’s our check-in?”

“I’m fine. But I think I’ve come down with a stomach bug. I’m going to head out.”