Spiralling Skywards: Fading (Contradictions, #2)(74)

“I don’t think it’s something you’re gonna be able to do by yourself, bub. You’re gonna need help, and we’ll get you that help.

“I wanna be happy again. I lost myself, the girl I used to be, and I can’t find her. I want to, Liam, I really fucking do.”

“Then we’ll look together.”

“Why would you do that? Why would you want me after what I did?”

“Would you not want me back if the tables were turned?”

“Of course I would. I love you. It was never about not loving you. It’s because I love you so much that it made me think I was doing the right thing. It all seemed so right yesterday. It all made perfect sense. Today, I just feel pathetic. I’m taking up a hospital bed that somebody really sick might need.”

“Only you would think like that. You are sick. You need this bed as much as someone that’s had a heart attack. You’re sick, you need help, and we’re gonna get it for you.”

“I’m so sorry about the baby.”

“I’m sorry, too. You should’ve come to me, but I understand why you didn’t. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me.”

Her sobs gave her the hiccups, and I counted between each one as we lay quietly together.

“I need to tell you something else.”

My stomach churned as I contemplated what she might be about to tell me.

“Go on . . .”

“I smacked Carter.”

“What do you mean by ‘smacked him’?”

“I slapped his leg. Just once, but it left a mark.”

Her voice broke, and she started to cry even harder. “I overslept and the kids got up and Lucas shit and the dog ate his shit out of the potty and the twins had Wotsits with sauce for breakfast and it was all over the sofa cushions because they’d pulled them all over the floor like they always do.” She finally ran out of breath and paused. When she spoke again, her words were slower. “I dragged the twins upstairs and got them washed, but when I went to make sure Carter was getting ready he was on his iPad . . .” She turned around carefully in the bed to face me. Her eyes met mine and the sadness in them was debilitating. “He did nothing wrong. It was just a bad morning, and I smacked him. I lost control, and I smacked him because he still wasn’t dressed.” She gulped in air as she cried and tried to carry on talking. “I killed their dog. I killed our baby, and I smacked Carter.”

I held on to her. “It was a bad day, bub. It was just a bad day. It happens at least once to almost every parent out there.”

She closed her eyes, and her sobs subsided. “I need you to promise me something.”

“Anything.”

“If we’re gonna do this. If we’re gonna fight for us together, then you need to forgive me. If you throw this in my face every time we argue, I’ll never be able to move on, and I’ll never get better. We both need to let it go.”

“I promise.” It was the only answer I could give as she cuddled closer to me and shook her head.

“What?”

“How can I think so clearly today, after being in such a fog for so long, today I can see everything differently?”

“Because you’re talking about it. It’s out in the open now. This is how it could’ve been if you’d have just opened up. Even if it wasn’t to me, you could’ve told someone.”

“Who? I don’t have anyone. Sasha never calls, Luke is always working, and I don’t have any other friends. I’m not easy to love, Liam, I’ve told you this before, people leave me.”

I hated that. I hated that she thought that about herself.

“What about the mums from school.”

“I cut myself off from them a while ago. When Carter was having his problems, they kept having parties for their kids and not inviting him. The whole class would get an invite except him.”

Anger surged through me again but this time it wasn’t aimed at Sarah, far from it.

“Jesus, why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought it was my fault, I thought I was a bad mother. They’d have meet ups, play dates, and even girls’ nights out without the kids, but I was never invited. Then, they posted all of the photos on Facebook, knowing that I would see them. I felt so bad that he missed out and that it was my fault.”

“And these are fucking grown-ups?”

She nodded her head.

“What the fuck is wrong with these women?”

“I don’t fit their mould.”

“I’ve seen their fucking moulds, and they ain’t pretty. Who’s the one with the long dark hair, face full of Botox?”

“That’s Rowena, she’s the leader of the pack. She fucking hates me.”

“Jealous, babe, that’s all that is. You don’t need people like that in your life. We can move him out of that school if you like. Put him somewhere else before the twins start in September. We’ll send them all somewhere else, away from those fucking bitches.”

She was quite for a minute as she stared at my chest.

“How about Australia?” She looked up at me and asked.

“Seriously? You’d do that?”

“Yeah, I think we could give them a better life out there. There’s gotta be more important things in life than what car you drive, what bag you carry, or what sunglasses sit on your head.”