Spiralling Skywards: Fading (Contradictions, #2)(64)

My children were my greatest achievement, but I had snuffed out the existence of one of them. This morning, I’d smacked another. Tonight, I’d been a threat to the baby.

They’d gotten off lightly so far. I’d probably traumatised them, but tonight at least they’d escaped physical harm. What if next time they weren’t so lucky? What if the powers that be wanted an eye for an eye? I’d ended the life of one of my children before he’d even had a chance to take his first breath, so what if now there was a price to pay? Was that the way it worked? Was that what was happening here?

Recompense?

Payback?

Well, there was no way I would let them take my children. They could have me instead.

As I came to my conclusions and made my decision, I let the fog take me. I let it swallow me whole. I let the guilt rake great big gaping wounds across my flesh, and I let the rest of who I was fade away.

Since our bed was full, Liam made us a makeshift bed on the floor. I cried while we made love quietly, and when we were done, I kissed him and whispered, “Goodbye.”

He would hurt for a little while, but it was the right thing to do.

***

Outside the school the next morning, I kissed Carter goodbye, told him that I loved him, that he was my big brave boy, and that he had to always look out for his brothers.

Liam was finishing early and picking Carter up from school that afternoon. He was worried that being the eldest, he might have been a little more affected than the younger boys by the previous night’s events.

The timing couldn’t have been better.

Liam would collect Carter.

It was perfect.

It was meant to be.



I kissed the twins and waved them goodbye as they walked hand in hand into their playgroup.

I then called Taylor on the pretence of checking to see if she was okay.

“I’m okay. I just feel so awful.”

“It was just a horrible accident, Tay, not your fault at all.”

“How are the boys doing?”

“Surprisingly well, they’ve been asking after you.”

“Aww, really? I’m off today, can I come over and see them?”

“Sure. Ya know what, actually, could you do me a massive favour?”

“Of course, what d’ya need?”

“Would you be able to come to mine and collect Lucas and then walk up to the playgroup and pick up the twins for me?”

“Sure. Should I take them back to yours?”

“Yeah. Liam is picking up Carter, but I might even be back by then. I’m just gonna get my hair done.”

“I thought you had it done last week.”

“Yeah, I’m just getting a blow dry.”

I lied. The fog and the guilt, they helped me. They made the lying so easy.

“Okay. I’ll be round soon.”

I ended the call as I was pulling up to Luke’s place. He was already gone to work, so I let myself in and found what I was looking for.

***

After kissing my baby boy goodbye, I drove to the next town over from ours and checked into the first hotel I came across. The room was small but clean, and I stripped out of my clothes in a haze and wrapped myself in the complimentary big fluffy robe. I opened the bottle of wine I’d brought with me and poured a glass, drank it down, and then poured another.

My thoughts wandered to hotel rooms and Hob Nobs. To New South Austrians. To Betty Boop lamps and Will Bennett. I thought about my mum who’d died and then my dad who’d left me. I thought about Sasha who never called, Luke who never came around much anymore, and Liam . . . Liam who no longer saw me.

In one way or another, they all left. They all left, but now they wouldn’t have to. My husband could find a better wife, and my children would have a better mother.

And everything would really be fine.





2016

“Hey, bud.” I smiled at Carter as he walked towards me, and then I spotted his teacher following not far behind.

“Ah shit,” I mumbled quietly under my breath. The kid had been as good as gold for the last year or so. No fights, no trouble.

“Mr Delaney?”

“Yes.”

I accepted the hand that she offered.

“Good to meet you. Sorry, I was expecting Sarah. I’m Miss Norton, Carter’s teacher. Just wanted to say what a good boy he’s been today. Extra helpful in the classroom, and he took one of the younger children to first-aid when she fell and hurt herself at lunchtime”

Thank fuck!

“Thanks for letting me know. Carter is always a good boy at home, it’s good to hear that he’s the same at school, too.”

Carter rolled his eyes at me. He knew how full of shit I was.

“Come on, bud, let’s get you home.”

Once we started driving, I asked him about the night before, but he seemed to have his head around it. We didn’t know exactly what any of the kids actually saw, if anything, and I didn’t wanna create an issue if there wasn’t one.

I was surprised to see that Sarah’s car wasn’t in the drive when I pulled up, and a strange sensation started to uncoil in my belly. Something uncomfortable.

The other reason I finished early today was because Sarah and I needed to talk.

Something wasn’t right. We’d had a fantastic holiday last year, and for the first few weeks we were back, everything was great. We were us again, and then we weren’t. It was as if she just checked out on me.