Since She Went Away(30)

She didn’t look at him when she said, “You know I’m sorry about that night. I’m sorry I ever called Celia. I’m sorry I was late and that I even proposed meeting in that way. I’ve spent the last three months wishing I could undo that one phone call, those plans. You know I’d do anything to change that, and I’m sorry.”

She thought she was out of words, so she turned back and faced him. She was surprised to see the emotion registering on his face. He looked down at the tabletop, and while she studied him, choking back her own tears, she thought she saw his chin quiver ever so slightly. Just as quickly, he composed himself, clearing his throat and reaching for the water again. When he put the glass down, he said, “I know. It’s okay.”

“I feel like the whole town blames me.” She waited a moment. “Like you blame me.”

He looked up at her, the most animation she’d seen in years spreading across his face. Some of the weight seemed to lift from his features. The lines smoothed, the skin became less taut. “Not at all. Never. Look at everything that could have happened. She thought someone was following her.”

“Do you think that’s true?” Jenna asked. “I mean, did you notice anything?”

Ian took a moment to answer. “No, certainly not. But I wasn’t home a lot. Celia thought a car followed her a couple of times. And then she thought she saw the car parked on our street. If I’d known . . .” His top teeth bit down on his lower lip. “If I’d known there was really something to worry about, I’d have gone out to that car myself. But it could be nothing. She couldn’t identify the car. It was always dark.”

“And you told the police about it as soon as she disappeared, didn’t you?” Jenna asked.

Ian gave her a look as if she were stupid. “Of course I did, Jenna. How could I not?” He leaned in. “I even gave them a name. A business associate of mine, someone I thought might have wanted to harass me or my family. They looked into it. Thoroughly.”

“They did?”

“They followed a lot of leads, Jenna. If they could make something stick, they would.”

“And now Benny Ludlow and the earring. You remember him from school, don’t you?”

“Sure, he was a total weirdo. A scary guy.”

“So, did he . . . was he ever a threat to Celia?”

Ian bit down on his lower lip. “Who knows? Didn’t he slime around every girl in the school? Maybe he was following her.” Color rose in his cheeks. “If it’s someone like that, some worthless little man who hurt Celia . . .” He looked angry and hurt. “I guess I should assume it’s a worthless little man of some kind. Who else would go around hurting women?” His jaw clenched. “Jenna, I’m so damn tired of getting my hopes up. It just wears me the hell out, you know?”

“It’s like being kicked in the stomach repeatedly.”

“I was going to say kicked in the balls,” Ian said, “but I get your point. Look, you were, are, Celia’s best friend. You can’t be held responsible for what happened. You were just living your life, doing the things you two always did. Don’t worry about it. Lord knows every one of us could go back and find a million things we’ve done wrong.”

Jenna wanted to feel immediately lighter, to sense the burden she’d been carrying floating away above and beyond the ceiling. When that didn’t happen, she pressed ahead.

“Thank you,” she said, her voice close to a whisper. “And Ursula?”

“She wouldn’t think that way about you. She’s always been crazy about you.”

“Good. How is she doing?”

Ian’s gesture, a slight lifting of his shoulders in a kind of shrug, said he wasn’t entirely sure about his daughter. “She’s doing her best. She’s a little more like me than Celia in the sense that she doesn’t open up. I know she’s grieving and lost, but she puts on a brave face. I’ve offered to have her homeschooled or anything she wants really, but she tells me she’s fine. She goes to school. She spends time with her friends. In some ways, her life is no different. But there’s no mom in the house for her. My mother tries to fill in, but it’s not the same.”

“If I can help, let me know.”

Ian nodded. “Thanks.” He looked around the dining room until he made eye contact with the waiter. “I am hungry after all. Just a little. You?”

“Sure,” Jenna said.

Ian ordered a sandwich and Jenna a salad. When the waiter was gone again and the menus cleared, Jenna contemplated the normality of the scene. There she was, sitting in a nice restaurant having lunch with Ian Walters. The scene could have happened at any time during the past twenty-seven years, but it took Celia’s disappearance for the two of them to share the most commonplace experience.

“I saw the news last night,” Ian said.

“Oh, God.”

“Becky McGee called me too, trying to get me to show up out there at that crime scene that wasn’t a crime scene. I told her no, of course.”

“I guess you’re smarter than me.”

“It’s not easy to say no. It feels like being there, if something happened, would somehow complete things.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought. I thought—”