Saved by Love (Willow Valley Book 3)(30)

But as she stood at the edge of the sea with the water lapping at her ankles, she wasn’t so sure. She’d yet to venture any further. Trying not to think about it, she focused on the beauty of the Gulf of Mexico. She couldn’t get over how clear the turquoise water was. It was also a lot warmer than the Pacific Ocean.

Ethan was just down the beach at the activities center hut getting their boards rented, and she wrapped her arms around herself as she contemplated what she was about to do. She’d wanted a moment to herself to get her head on straight. Despite the fact that she knew she was totally, completely, head-over-heels in love with Ethan, and she trusted him to take care of her, she suddenly couldn’t get her mind off Derek. Or rather, what happened.

The water wasn’t rough today, the waves fairly mild. A perfect day for learning to surf.

But all she could see was the Coast Guard rescuers dragging Derek’s lifeless body from the water.

“All set.” Ethan’s voice so close behind her startled her so much that she jumped. She turned to him and saw him watching her with a grin full of anticipation and excitement, like he couldn’t wait to get out there in the waves. She tried to fight back the bile that was rising in her throat as she stared back at him, unable to return his smile when she noticed the surfboard he had for her.

Another wave crashed at her feet and she backed up in a hurry, hands clutching her stomach as she tore her gaze from Ethan’s.

“Whoa, Ab, are you okay?” He stuck the boards in the sand and came up to her, holding her gently by the arms. “What’s that look?”

“I don’t think I can do this, Ethan.” She hated how weak and fearful she sounded. But it was true. With memories of Derek’s death resurfacing more vividly than they had in at least a year, how was she supposed to get out in the ocean? The thought had her knees feeling weak.

Ethan gave her a funny look. “What? Why the sudden change? I mean, it’s perfect conditions out there today. This is something you’ve wanted to do since you were a teenager. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Abby shook her head. “I can’t,” she mumbled.

“Can’t or won’t?” He looked at her sharply. “Something’s up, Abby. You have the same look on your face that you did when I asked you to come here the first time, that night at the Old Gin. I’m starting to think that whatever it is you’ve been through, it has something to do with surfing.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me that before I brought you here?” The look of concern on his face was sincere.

“Not surfing, exactly. Just water in general.”

“Have you had a bad experience with water? Abby, you should have told me.” His voice was full of remorse. “I never would have pushed for you to come here with me.”

She met his eyes. “Coming here with you is something I’ll never regret, so don’t say that.”

He smiled, leaning in to kiss her softly on the tip of her nose. “Me too. But you know what I mean. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. It’s no problem for me to return the boards.”

“Boards? No, I want you to do this. Don’t worry about me. I do not want to be the reason that you don’t get to surf. This is something you do every year.” She shook her head vehemently, hoping he wouldn’t argue with her.

“Abby,” he said gently. “It’s okay. But I’m not going to let you sit here by yourself and watch while we go out there. What fun would that be?”

“It’s fine, really. Maybe I’ll change my mind.” Part of her really wanted to. Ethan was right. This was something she’d wanted to do her entire life. And now she was letting her past and her fears dictate her future. Was that really how she wanted to live?

She’d made so much progress already. She was actually really proud of herself for how far she’d come. She didn’t think she’d ever get to this point. And she loved the ocean. She always had. It was hard not to growing up in California. Was she going to spend the rest of her life in fear of it?

Ethan must have seen the inner turmoil reflected in her eyes because he squeezed her shoulders where his hands rested. “You want to do this, don’t you?”

“Yes. And no.”

“What’s holding you back?”

Looking at the concern on his face, Abby knew she could tell him. But she didn’t want to bring up Derek now, not after they’d shared such a special night. It just didn’t feel right to put that between them right now. Maybe when they were back in Willow Valley. She had to tell him eventually. But she didn’t want to ruin the trip with her devastating memories.

Gathering up all the courage she could find, she made a decision. “Nothing,” she answered. “Let’s do this.”

Ethan looked like he was trying to tamp down his excitement, but she could see how much he wanted to get out there in the water with her. And deep down, she wanted to as well. She just had to woman up and do it.

“You’re sure?” he asked.

“You sure have said that a lot this week.” She gave him a teasing grin, feeling some of her fear start to drip away. She knew Ethan would take care of her. He wouldn’t let anything bad happen.

“Hey, I just don’t want you to have any regrets.”

His words brought back the conversation she’d had with Denise, when she’d advised Abby not to look back on her life with any regrets. A new resolve formed inside her. This was something she’d wanted to do for as long as she could remember, and now was her chance. If she didn’t do it, she knew she’d regret it.