Saddle Up(55)

She arched against him with a feline stretch. “Right now I am.”

He rolled her on top of him. “Tell me what else makes you happy, Aiwattsi.”

Her lips twitched. “Besides orgasms?”

“Besides the orgasms I give you?” he teasingly corrected.

“I’ve never known any other kind.” She looked down at his chest, tracing a circle around his nipple, her golden brows furrowing. “I’ve never really thought much about it. I guess my best times have always been spent with the people I love. I was happy when my father was alive. I hardly remember him, but I always feel warm and fuzzy inside when I think of my early childhood. I get the same feeling when I think about the times I spent at my grandparents’ ranch. So I guess that’s happiness.”

“What about your work?” he asked. “Does it make you happy?”

She hesitated. “That’s a completely different feeling. It’s like magic happens when I capture something special on film, but working for Bibi was all about the money not the magic.”

“Are you going back to California?”

“No. I’m not going back,” she said resolutely. “I know my options in Montana are extremely limited, but I’ve thought about this long and hard. I’m going to look for freelance opportunities. Worst-case scenario, I can always fall back on commercials and television work.”

“But not filmmaking,” he said.

“Probably not, aside from my documentary,” she replied sadly. “I thought I wanted to make movies, but that life is all about money, beauty, power, and influence. Who you really are as a person means almost nothing out there. That’s not what I want.” She looked up, seeking his gaze. “What about you? What makes you happy?”

“This,” he said simply. “I like being with you.” He wanted to say so much more, but fear kept him in check.

“But what do you want from life?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m still trying to figure it out. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching in the past year, but I still don’t have any answers. I don’t know what I want or where I’m going beyond here and now.”

“Do you intend to keep working for Mitch?”

“I haven’t decided,” he said. “It’s what I’m doing now, but I’ve quit thinking beyond the present. There’s little point when all my needs are met.”

“Are they all? Truly?” she asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “My needs are very simple—air, food, water, clothing, and shelter. I have all of these.”

“But those are just physical needs,” she argued. “Life is more than just feeding and clothing the body, isn’t it?” Her voice was soft, but her words hit hard.

“The body feeds the soul. Haven’t I shown you this? That’s all I have to offer you, Miranda. Do you understand that? Only the here and now. If you expect more from me, you’ll only be disappointed.” He knew it was more than just lust between them, but how long would it last? He didn’t know. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her with promises he wasn’t sure he could keep.

Her gray eyes grew cloudy, changing the mood as abruptly as a brewing storm changed a sultry summer day. “Why do you say that? How can you know what I expect? Or what I desire?”

“I think I know your desires better than you do,” he replied.

She pursed her lips. Her color rose, flushing her pale cheeks to a deep shade of pink. “That isn’t what I meant. This is new territory for me too. Please don’t make light of it.”

“All right then.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Tell me. What would you expect?”

She licked her lips. “My desires in a relationship aren’t anything extraordinary. I think I want what everyone wants—companionship, trust, mutual respect, friendship”—her gaze darted to his—“fidelity.”

His shrug was purposely careless. “Maybe that’s why I’ve avoided it. I won’t live for others, Miranda, and I don’t expect anyone else to live to please me.”

“But isn’t that part of any kind of relationship? A desire to make someone else happy?”

“I’ve never been able to live up to anyone’s expectations,” Keith bit back. “I’m done failing. I’m done trying.” It was better to be alone than to get hurt.

He knew he’d only sabotaged himself. Was he about to do it again with her? He was beginning to think he already had, but trust came hard. Too hard. With trust there was always a risk of rejection. So he simply didn’t take those chances.

“But we all need someone.” Eyes locked with his, she whispered, “Please, Keith, tell me what you need and how can I give it to you. Let me touch you. Let me feed your soul.”

He froze, heart hammering against his chest, while for long, labored seconds, his mind raced. It was as if she’d reached deep inside him to a place so heavily guarded he’d thought it untouchable. Others had taken from him, but no one had ever really cared what he wanted or needed. But he wasn’t ready to let his guard down. Not yet. He couldn’t afford to make himself any more vulnerable than he already was.

There was one sure way to end this discussion, and he wasn’t beyond using it. He rolled her beneath him. “I told you what I need. Maybe it’s time I show you again?”