Ruined (The Eternal Balance #1)(59)

“Yeah, well I’ve seen you puke all over yourself. That’s bound to screw with your badass factor.”

We were quiet for a few minutes. I knew I should keep it that way, but as usual, Sam’s nearness wreaked havoc on my common sense. She was like an electric current that shorted out all my damn fuses. “I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“What happened last night.” Even though my eyes were glued to the road, I could still see her stiffen. “At the house. With Azirak…”

She didn’t respond.

“I—we—” Fuck. Why the hell was this so damn hard? “The demon might have been in control, but I was there. I wouldn’t have let it hurt you.” I swallowed back the admission, but it came out anyway. “I liked it. I’m a f*cking bastard, Sammy, but I liked it. It’s hard to be with you when I’m me, but when the demon takes over, there’s no pain. I’m still there, and I can see and feel everything. I almost wanted to let it…”

“To let it touch me,” she finished for me.

“I told you,” I said darkly. “I’m a f*cking monster. I wanted you so bad that I almost didn’t care how I got you.”

“That’s what it meant,” she said, twisting in her seat. “When it said there was a way if you were willing.”

I refused to answer. Refused to even think about it. There wasn’t any way it would ever happen. Not like that. “What the hell do you want from me, exactly?”

“How about the truth?”

That pissed me off. “Truth? I’ve never lied to you. Except for the demon, I’ve never lied to you. In fact, you’re the only person I’ve never lied to.”

“You did,” she insisted. “You told me you loved me and that you would always have my back.”

Of course I loved her. Loved her so much that it was in danger of killing me. It was in danger of killing us. But I’d never told her how I felt. Sure, she knew I cared, but the L-word had never been spoken out loud.

“Trying to remember? Don’t bother.” She shifted back until she was facing forward. There was a cold edge to her voice. Hard and broken. It was almost enough to make me pull the car over. “It was the night before you left. The night before we kissed. We were in Rick’s living room, watching a movie. You were half-asleep.”

I should have been surprised, but I wasn’t. I’d loved Sam from the moment we met. Holding a large umbrella over her head as the priest said kind words beside her parents’ graves. We’d never spoken. Hadn’t even been introduced. Rick had gone to support his friend and neighbor, Kelly Merrick, whose brother and sister-in-law died in a tragic home invasion.

Standing beside Rick and Chase, I’d watched the girl with the long brown hair stand eerily still. She didn’t cry. Didn’t speak. Only stood there staring at the ground as her parents were lowered into the cold, wet earth. Even then, so early in my life, I saw pieces of myself mirrored in her eyes. Lost. Alone. Separated.

Ruined.

It was another one of those defining moments. I’d known, even then, that this girl would play a monumental role in my life. We’d grown up close. Inseparable, really. Friends. Partners in crime. It was that last step—love—that pushed me to leave her behind.

There was no stopping it. The words came tumbling out. “The night I kissed you—I almost killed Chase. That’s why I left, Sammy. I knew I was too dangerous.” I kept my eyes front and center, afraid to see the expression on her face. “I think I knew even back then that you were a trigger. Being with you, it made me happy. The demon doesn’t do happy. It needs despair and rage.”

“Jax—”

I kept going. Had to get this out before I lost the nerve. “Kissing you…it was the most amazing thing, but it hurt. The pain was unlike anything you can imagine. Physical, mental, emotional… But I could have sucked it up. I would have. For you. But when I left you that night, the demon was going nuts. I ended up standing over my brother’s bed with a blade. Everything became so clear. You’ve seen enough violence and death in your life. I won’t be the one exposing you to more—especially when it’s all my life is now.”

“You have no right to decide what I should and shouldn’t have in my life.”

“Maybe not—but it doesn’t change things. It won’t ever change things. I am leaving when we clear things up. Everyone I care about is at risk when I’m here.”

“Fine,” she snapped. “Then I’ll go with you. Not like you can stop me. I’ll just keep following you until you cave.”

I shook my head. “You’d never be able to follow me.”





Chapter Twenty-Six




Sam

We drove the rest of the way in silence, pulling up in front of the address we’d found for Sadie Gray just before noon. There was a part of me that dreaded what we were about to do. This woman wasn’t going to just give us what we wanted. Not without something in return. I didn’t have anything left to give.

The house was a modest Victorian with a well-manicured lawn and a tire swing that hung from a sturdy-looking oak tree.

“What’s the plan?” I unbuckled the seat belt as Jax killed the engine. “She’s not just going to cheerfully hand the stone over. If it was that easy, Havat wouldn’t need us.”