Retribution (Secrets & Lies #3)(20)

Nathan goes very still, and I see confusion in his eyes, so I try again. “Nathan, what about you? I... I think I’m in love with you, I guess is how I'm supposed to say it. I've never been in love before, so I don't know if I'm right or not, but...”

“Melissa,” Nathan says quietly, his eyes glimmering in the soft firelight. “How could you love someone like me?”

“Because of who you are,” I whisper, looking down. “I know I'm just a stupid idiot who doesn't really know what love is.”

“You don’t know what love is?” Nathan asks, stupefied. “If anyone in the world knows what real love is, it’s you. I have seen it for the past four months every day. I see it in every smile, every time you pull yourself out of your nightmares and you still put on a brave face the next day. I see it in the way you opened up yourself to Andrea. But most of all, I see it in the way your hands paint, and the way you made that sculpture. And...”

His voice drops off, and I raise my head to look at Nathan to see him looking down at our hands. “And what?”

Nathan swallows, and looks into my eyes, his own gaze full of what I recognize now. He does love me, but he's also in pain. “And I don’t know how you could love someone like me. I'm a killer, 'Lissa. I have so much blood on my hands, and I’m a terrible, terrible man. I don't even deserve your friendship, and for sure not your trust, let alone your love.”

“But I do love you, Nathan. I know I don't understand it totally, but I love you. Maybe you were a killer, but I don't care.”

Nathan blinks, looking down, and nods. “And that’s why... that’s why I love you, too. But that’s why I can’t do anything about it. Because you might not care, but I have to. I have to remember that I have killed everything that has ever been good to me, that has loved me. I have to remember I am a terrible man. And I have to remember that I can never let my evil pollute the purest, most beautiful thing I have ever known. You.”

Nathan lets go of my hands and stands up. “I’m sorry, 'Lissa. I am flattered... no, I’m honored. And maybe I’m the first person you have ever fallen in love with, I don't know. I do know I fell for you all the way back in October, but that I can’t hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Nathan walks toward the line of bedrooms, pausing just before he leaves the light of the fire. “Would you like me to wake up Carson or Andrea?”

“No... I'll be all right. I just... I wish that you could stay with me.”

Nathan nods, and turns around. “Me too. Goodnight, Melissa.”

He leaves the room, disappearing into the darkness, and I watch the blackness for a full minute. Depression threatens to sweep over me again, but just before it can, I feel a golden thread, a precious jewel inside, like Pandora having Hope still in her box after she closed the lid.

He said he loves me, too. Maybe it's not what the storybooks say, maybe it's not what I was hoping for, but Nathan did say he loves me. I can hang onto that at least.





Chapter Eight





Nathan





The next morning, I wake up early and head out. I feel terrible about what I said to Melissa last night, and I can't face the looks from everyone else this early. Instead, I grab an early breakfast and leave a note behind. Need some stuff from the hardware store. I'll be back ASAP.

I know it's a flimsy excuse, but with the nearest town to where we are being the suburb of Asheville called Swannanoa, I can at least get some time to clear my head. Besides, I can get some more gas cans for the generator, I know Katrina at least will appreciate the extra electricity. And maybe I can buy a DVD for everyone to entertain themselves, and then I can...

What the hell am I thinking? I'm being a damn fool is what I'm being, and I'm running like a scared rabbit. Still, I take Carson's truck and drive slowly down the hill to the logging road that connects my property to the Blue Ridge Parkway. From there I can drive down to Swannanoa, maybe not the most direct route but it’s the easiest.

I get to Swannanoa just after eight, still a little while before most of the stores open, and head to the CVS first, since they open early. I kill about twenty minutes looking through the movies they have for sale, most of which I would never buy. Put it this way, if I have the choice of life on a desert island with one of these movies to watch or staring at the seagulls, I'll probably choose the seagulls.

While I'm wondering if I can get through a Mack Bolan novel without going into hysterical fits of laughter, my cell phone buzzes. I'm surprised, I forgot I even had it in my jacket pocket, but it's a habit, I guess. I take it out and look, intrigued when I see I got an e-mail.

I tap my inbox, my fingers trembling when I see who the message is from. Isis Bardot. My finger hovers over the e-mail, wanting to open it, when I remember who and what Isis is.

“I'm sorry Colonel, but I'm turning down the Army's offer.”

Colonel Christman looks somber, but nods in understanding. “I see, Sergeant Black. I heard your recent mission to Kurdistan had some... difficult circumstances.”

I nod. I'm not even in the United States, I'm in Vincenza, Italy at Caserma Ederle, or Camp Ederle as some of the soldiers who can't really even choke out basic Italian call it. Technically the Special Forces doesn't have any units in the area, but as the headquarters of the Army's African Command, and the home of a detachment from the 82nd Airborne, it’s a good base for us to work out of.