Retribution (Secrets & Lies #3)(19)
I gawk for a second, then chuckle. She's not joking, she's just being honest, and I appreciate it. Maybe I can make a little bit of banter, try and fit in with the rest of the family. “No wonder Katrina calls you a slut sometimes.”
Andrea, instead of being angry, smiles and shrugs. “We both are. With the men we have, it's hard not to be.”
The hallway is golden-orange because of the way the afternoon light filters through the old glass in the window at the end of the hallway. It's really old, like a hundred years I think, and its got an orange tint all the time, especially in the afternoons when I get home from my piano lesson. I'm a big girl now, second grade, and after Daddy died, Mom insisted I keep up my lessons, even though I feel so sad when I'm not at home.
School was both good and yucky today, Petey James teased me about Daddy's dying, and something about how he heard I was what he called a 'little ijit'. I don't know what a little ijit means, but from the way he said it, he really hurt my feels. Car-Car can't help me either, he's only two. Besides, he's with the kitchen staff right now, eating his afternoon snack before Sesame Street starts. Car-Car loves Bert and Ernie, and I really like watching with him. I know he's not my real brother, but I love being with him anyway, and he's like a real little brother to me.
I'm looking for Mom, I want to ask her what Petey James meant when he said I was a little ijit, and usually if she's not in the kitchen or in the TV room right now, she's in her bedroom. Also, today wasn't all bad, I want to show her the worksheet I did and the card I made. Maybe it'll cheer her up. She’s sleeping a lot recently, and so she's in bed a lot. I guess she's sick, but I hope she gets better soon. With Daddy gone, I miss Mom around a lot.
I open her door and step inside, a smile on my face at first. I see Mom sitting on her bed, and in her elbow is a needle, just like the one that I see the doctors on TV use. “Mom?”
Her thumb pushes in the top of the needle even as she looks up, her eyes going wide. “Mellie?”
“Mom, what are you doing?” I ask, but before she can answer, she starts shaking, falling down on the bed, the needle falling out of her arm. “Mom? Mom! MAMA!”
“I'm sorry Mellie,” Mom says, her eyes fluttering like a butterfly's wing before they shut. I shake her, but she won't respond, and then the kitchen staff is there, and there's hands on my shoulders, pulling me away from her...
I sit up, the scream barely held behind my lips, my blanket wrapped around my shoulders and choking me a little bit. I tear at it, trying to not scream, I scream too much, I can't let everyone know how weak and pathetic I am. I can't let Nathan see how bad I am, how broken and babyish I am. It’s been so long and I still can’t get over it. Finally my blanket lets go of me and I'm sitting in a strange bed, sweatpants and a heavy sweatshirt on instead of the t-shirt I normally wear for bed. Why? Why am I wearing these clothes?
I get out of the strange bed, wandering into the strange hallway, strange building. All this strangeness, I can't be safe. I can't be safe, I need to get out. Where's Mr. Trumbull? I need to get outside, maybe outside I can see something that'll help me feel safe. The moon, maybe the moon will be there. The moon's the same everywhere, maybe the moon can help me.
I stumble down the hall to the big double wooden doors, just barely lit by the fire in a big fireplace. I push them open and go out into the cold, but why is it cold? Where am I? What's going on?
“Melissa? 'Lissa, what are you doing out here?” someone asks, and I turn, recognizing the voice. Slowly it comes to me... Nathan. Nathan's found me, but why am I standing in the big central area of the compound in nothing but my socks? My feet are freezing me, what happened?
“N... Nathan...” I stutter, then I'm crying, realization washing over me in a black wave that crushes me underneath its weight. Not only did I have another nightmare, not only did I go wandering around like an idiot, something I haven't done in years, but worst of all, Nathan's the person to find me. “Oh Nathan, I'm so sorry!”
“Shh... 'Lissa, it's okay,” Nathan says quietly, pulling me in close. He notices that I'm not wearing any shoes and literally picks me up, his strong arms holding me tight to his body as he carries me inside and pulls the doors shut behind us with his shoe. Carrying me over to the big couch, he sets me down, never letting go of me. “You scared me, that's all. I got up to use the toilet, and I felt the draft. I looked outside, and there you were, wandering the front area in a big circle, pulling at your hair and making this whining sound. It scared me, but it’s okay now.”
“It's not okay, it's never okay,” I sob, and Nathan holds me, comforting me, but I can't feel any comfort. “How am I ever... how can I?”
“How can you what?” he asks softly, letting go of my shoulders and scooting back, not letting go of my hands. “Because from where I am sitting, you can do anything you want to do.”
There's something in his eyes, I just go for it. “Even love?”
“Even that,” Nathan says, smiling. “You can always love. You are one of the most loving people I know. You love Andrea, Carson, Katrina, Jackson and BA with a perfect, pure love that is beautiful to watch.”
“But,” I say, then take a deep breath. “Nathan, what about you?”