Resolution (Saviour #2)(57)
I smile at him, he looks at me and gives a shrug of his right shoulder and a tilt of his head and the tiniest of smiles and my heart melts and I want him, god I want him, “We do have a lot of sex don’t we? I am sorry, but you…I can’t help it. I’m hard Lauren, all the time, even when we’ve just finished, it’s like it doesn’t go down properly. I wasn’t this bad when I was thirteen and when I’m not with you it’s worse and it doesn’t matter where I am, at work, in the car, I, I just want you all the time and I am sorry if it’s too much.”
“Gabe…Seriously? If you stop f*cking me because of this, I swear, I’ll go and buy the biggest vibrator I can find and I will ruin myself with it. I like all the sex we have, I love that you want me all the time, I’m the same, I want you all the time, even right now, even though I am probably going to walk like John Wayne for a week after last night, despite that, I want you, I love you, inside me, all the time, so don’t you dare stop coming across.”
He’s pulled me by my feet down the bed, so that I am flat on my back again, he has crawled between my legs and he has his chin resting between my boobs, looking up at me, “You are such a slut Lauren Day.”
“I am indeed Gabriel Wilde, but only for you.”
He smiles and bites each of my nipples, just hard enough to make me shudder and I wiggle my hips against him.
He laughs and shakes his head at me, “Slut.”
“What can I say?”
“I will run you a bath and really Lauren, I think you should go to the doctors and just get checked out.”
“I will, I know, I have made a couple of appointments but shit has happened and I’ve missed them.”
I stroke his hair back off his face and smile into those eyes of his; he looks so much better today, but I can still see the pain. Gabe has laughing eyes and theses eyes that he’s looking at me with right now, they let me know he loves me but they are not laughing or even smiling, and that’s fine, I get it, we only buried his Dad yesterday, I just hate to see him suffer, I hate that he is sad and grieving and that there’s nothing I can do. I know first-hand that grieving is a process and things are likely to get worse before they get better and all I can do is be here for him.
“How are you doing?”
“Don’t change the subject. Call the docs, make an appointment, this week, straight away, as soon as you can get it, where’s your phone? I’ll call them now.”
He gets up off the bed and stands, “Gabe, I’m not the one changing the subject. Get my phone, I will happily call the docs, but I asked you a question and I would like an answer.”
He does the Gabriel head tilt, which is what he does when he’s thinking; he shrugs.
“I buried my Dad yesterday Lauren. I could have been burying you and Ava along with him.”
He’s shaking his head as he speaks and I can see his bottom lip quiver slightly as he carries on, “It could have been worse, it could have been so much worse but I’m still angry, I’m still so f*cking angry that this happened, that you got hurt, that Ava got hurt, that he died and that I was there and watched it happen and couldn’t do anything to stop it, my job is to protect you and my daughter and I didn’t do it, I couldn’t do it and I’m so f*cking angry that it scares me.”
I reach forward and hold his hand, “Baby, it’s normal, you’re bound to feel angry, but there is nothing you could have done, it was an accident, you can’t blame yourself for an accident that no one could have prevented, what are the chances of something like that happening? Charlie’s heart attack maybe, but who would have guessed it would happen while he was on the back of a Jet Ski, it was a terrible accident but nobody is to blame and there is absolutely nothing about it that was your fault it’s just one of those shit things that happens in life. Just talk to me though Gabe, please don’t bottle things up, I’m here, just talk, any time.”
I nod my head as I speak and eventually he nods back, but I’m not sure if he has any idea what he’s nodding at, or if he’s heard what I’m telling him. I stand and pull on the white shirt Gabe wore yesterday; I turn to head for the bathroom, then remember what he said about the sheets, I pull the doona back, just as he walks in with my phone, shit, it’s still only a light pink colour, but there is more than there has been of late and I do have a belly ache this morning, instinctively my hand goes to my stomach.
“What? Is it a lot? I did hurt you didn’t I? Lauren, call the doctors now, get an appointment, this isn’t right, this shouldn’t happen.”
I don’t know what happens, having such an emotional day yesterday, the accident, worrying about Ava. Knowing that he’s right I should have gone to the doctors at the beginning of October or whenever it was that this started but I put it off, I made excuses and I put it off and I have a horrible feeling that something’s not right, and I burst into tears.
“Baby no, no, don’t cry, sorry, I’m sorry, there’s nothing to worry about, I just want you to get checked out, that’s all.”
I know that I’m pulling my ugly cry face as I try and talk through my tears but shit, I’m scared and I need to get this off my chest, I shake my head at him.
“No, this isn’t right, it’s been happening for a couple of months now and I’ve had really bad stomach cramps as well, and I just don’t feel right, I’ve had this pain and I.”