Resolution (Saviour #2)(45)
“But I need to see Ava, I can’t just…”
Gabe looks up at me, before he can speak, the doctor does, “Impossible Lauren, your BP is bordering on dangerously high, until we rule out anything sinister, you need to sit still and do nothing. Now, you will go down for your scan in about half an hour, the last one was clear so I’m not too concerned, I just think it’s the shock of the accident and worry over Ava, I will be back later to discuss the results, in between time, sleep, read, watch TV, relax; Ava is in the best of hands.”
All the while he’s been talking he has been shining a torch into my eyes and checking my blood pressure and despite all the distractions, I’m wholly aware of Gabe watching me. Everybody leaves and I meet his eyes and give him a little smile, running my hand over his head.
“She’s going to be fine, just fine.”
He nods but I don’t think he’s even aware of his actions. I run my palm and fingertips down his face and over his jaw. He looks absolutely drained and I feel so guilty.
“Go home and take a shower and then go back to Ava.”
He shakes his head. “We’ve rented a hotel room between the two hospitals, we’ve been using that, just for showers and some sleep; I haven’t been there yet but Coops dropped off some clothes, Jo and Jemma will be back soon with some bits for you, I called to tell them you were awake, Ryder has spoken to Sonny and Jason, your Mum will be here tomorrow and I think your sister is coming with her.”
Jesus, I think I might just go back to sleep for another week and hide from all this attention.
Andrea my nurse comes in, “Okay darl, doctor thinks it’s best if you have a little sedative before you go down for your scan, it can get a bit noisy inside those things and he doesn’t want you to be stressing and pushing your BP up any higher; it won’t knock you right out, just make you a little drowsy and light headed.”
I swallow the tablet and actually look forward to its effects, every time I have a quiet moment to think, I can feel the panic start to rise in my chest, Charlie’s dead and Ava’s in a coma, it just doesn’t seem real. I don’t yet know all the details of the accident and I don’t think I want to for a while and drugs that partially knock me out seem a great alternative to reality right now.
Gabe has his head in my lap again; he’s holding my right hand with both of his; I run my hand through his hair, “Gabe, this sedative is gonna kick in soon, you may as well leave now, I’ll be useless in about ten minutes.”
He looks up at me with exhausted, bloodshot eyes and shakes his head, “I’ll walk down with you and then I’ll leave but I’ll be back later.”
Despite the sedative not being strong, I remember very little after that; Gabe walked down with me to wherever it is they took me for the scan and I just remember feeling an overwhelming sense of loss as he let go of my hand and I lost sight of him, I think I might have actually cried.
CHAPTER 14
I’m getting used to this sensation now and know not to panic as I come round from the sedative they gave me before the scan. I have no idea how long I’ve been out but Gabe is back, he has hold of my left hand and is running his thumb over my fingers where the cast ends, I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation for a few more seconds; As I slowly open them and focus, my stomach flips, it’s not Gabe, its Jason, he’s staring fixedly at where my wedding ring used to sit and rubbing the pad of his thumb over the now bare flesh of that finger. There are still indentations there, after wearing a ring in that spot for twenty five years they will take a long time to disappear, if ever and oddly, I don’t mind that, I don’t mind the reminder.
I watch him intently as he hasn’t realised I’m awake. There’s a bit more grey around his ear and the sides of his dark hair than I remember, he has stubble on his square jaw but then he always does, it’s one of the things I loved about him, his nose is long and straight, he’s looking down so I can’t see his brown eyes, just the long lashes that fan out across his cheeks, he turned fifty earlier this year but could still pass for forty no problem, he’s always kept himself in shape and I watch as the muscle in his forearm moves as he strokes across my finger. He has on a short sleeved white t shirt and my eyes roam up to the muscles at the top of his arm, then across to the chest hair sticking out of the top of the v neck. He looks like he’s lost some weight. In that moment I realise, that as happy as I am with Gabe and despite the fact that I am totally and utterly in love with him and never, ever want to be without him, given the choice, I would still have preferred my marriage to have worked out, I would have preferred that the man sitting in front of me now didn’t have such a bad temper and had not taken his issues out on me, I used to believe in marriage, when I took my vows, I meant every word of them and had stuck to them for twenty five years, I feel like a failure at not lasting forever but I am pretty sure the guilt for that lies more with the man sitting in front of me right now. Does all of this make me a bad person, wishing that my marriage had worked out, when I am now so totally and utterly in love with Gabe? The way I see it, if things had been good between Jay and me, then Gabe and I would never have met, so neither of us would be any the wiser about the others existence. What I do know though, what I can say with 100% clarity is that now I have Gabe, now that we have found each other, I never want to be without him and in that moment it suddenly dawns on me, that perhaps yes, I do want to give marriage another try, with him, with Gabriel.