Released (The Eternal Balance #3)(46)

“I did.”

“Did what?” I was getting pissed.

“Talk to you. When you were an infant. When you were scared and alone. When, even as a toddler, you were able to feel the hostility rolling from your father. I spoke to you, was the voice of companionship whispering in your ear.”

“Bullshit.” That was something I would have remembered. This was a ploy of some kind. A trick to disarm me.

“It is true.”

“Then how come I can’t remember this? How come you haven’t said anything else until now?”

“As you aged, you fought my presence. More and more. Harder and harder. You blocked me out, Jax. I had no desire to cause you distress, so I did not fight it.”

“If you have no desire to cause me distress, leave.” The desperation in my voice made me sick, but I was fading. Fast. “Turn the f*ck around and let me live my life. I get one chance with Sam. You have an infinite number of lifetimes.”

“Your body is waking…”

And just like that, I was in a small half enclosure, propped up against something solid as rain beat down around me. The tree was gone, as was the smell of the forest, replaced by a stale, acidic aroma.

“Sam!” I pushed off and threw myself forward. She was a few feet away, sprawled out across a bench. We were in a bus stop enclosure. Heckle must have sent us here after we’d agreed to his terms.

“Jax?” She picked her head up and scanned the area through hooded eyes. “Where…?”

“No f*cking clue. All that matters is where we’re not.” I glanced around to be sure. “And what we’re not with.”

She threw her legs over the side of the bench and leaned forward. A quick glance right, then another, longer one to the left. “We’re alone?”

“No drooling hell beasts,” I confirmed.

She nodded and stood. With a completely blank expression, she knelt down, and smacked me hard across the face.

“What the f*ck was that for?”

“I want the truth. How did you get control back from Azirak?”

Sam was smart. She was suspicious even before Heckle had made all of his annoyingly vague comments. Still though, I’d hoped to put this off. Wait until the very last moment to come clean. “We should really find out where we are. We don’t have a lot of time.”

She folded her arms and backed up to the bench. “I’m not leaving till you spill.” Her expression softened, and she sat back down. “Come on, Jax. Do you really think I can’t see that you’re hiding something important?”

A wide range of emotion welled up. They were a combination of hers, swirls of red and gray churning like a storm, mixed with my own. In that instant, I was furious. Enraged that I had no options left. Incensed that I had to break her heart. Again. “Azi gave me control, Sammy. It let me come back.”

“Why?” There was no hope in her voice. “Why would it do that?”

“As a favor, I guess? Because of you? Who the f*ck knows?” I moved to settle in front of her. “I’m done, Sammy. It’s over. There’s nothing I can do.”

“I…what? No. What are you talking…?”

I hated that I was doing this to her. “This is just the way it is. The both of us can’t stay in here.”

“But—”

“I’m sorry.” What the hell else could I say? There was nothing I could offer her. No words would make this easier—or different. I felt it now, as surely as I felt the air in my lungs. The inevitability of death. The grim reaper was knocking on my door, and if I didn’t answer, the f*cker would huff and puff until he blew my whole house down. End of story.

A choked sob escaped her lips, and she cringed away from me. Her colors went from dismal to determined. “I don’t believe you. There has to be something we can do. There’s always something we can do.”

“It was always going to go down like this. Should have happened years ago, actually. There’s just not enough room in here for both of us.”

For the longest time, she just sat there watching me, saying nothing. Her wide eyes, filled with tears, stared unblinking. Then, without warning, she jumped up and hauled me to my feet.

But before she could say or do anything, I wrapped my arms around her. She fought me, tried to pull away, but I held tight and crushed her close. I had to hold my breath to tamp down the howl building inside. I wanted to give her hope. To lie and offer comforting platitudes just to ease her pain. She’d never done a damn thing wrong, and yet she was getting the brunt of all this. She’d be the one left behind. I would just be…gone.

I’d had to leave her once, but the thing that made it bearable was knowing that she was out there, living her life. If she hadn’t been, if I’d lost her so completely, I wasn’t sure I could have survived it.

But Sam was strong. So much stronger than I was. Stronger than I could ever be.

I kissed her head and rested my chin for a minute before pulling away. “Hey.”

She avoided my gaze by keeping her head down. The blue was gone now, replaced by a fiery red. Anger. Good. I’d always said anger was easier to deal with. It could keep you going. Motivate you in all the ways sadness failed. It wasn’t healthy, but in time I hoped she’d get over it.

I lifted her chin. The whole thing sucked. It was unfair and cruel in a way even the demon couldn’t reconcile. But she could mourn me later. After she was safe. “Sammy, listen to me, okay? We have to go. We need to figure out where Heckle sent us and get to the Dandus Preserve.”