Raging Heart On (Lucas Brothers #2)(151)

Over the past few months, I’ve managed to turn this place into a home. It feels good, except Max isn’t here. It’s been hard going through this alone. From the morning sickness to the swollen feet and bloated feeling, all the way to the increased sex drive and being tired all the time—all of that I’ve dealt with okay. Even I would admit though, it would have been so nice to have Max with me to complain to, to hold my hand. Marcum and Cherry have gone with me to every doctor’s appointment. Their support has been invaluable, but again, I wanted Max by my side. He’s missing so much. He hasn’t even got to feel the baby kick.

I knew it wouldn't go as easily as Marcum and Max believed. I knew it. Life just doesn't work that smoothly. It never has. It has been almost four months since Max was sentenced. I get to see him for thirty minutes every two weeks. That's it. It's a special kind of hell being so close to him but never getting to touch him.

Max is miserable; I see it in his eyes. Sometimes I think I make him worse. With each visit, he gets more sullen and more withdrawn. Today is special though. I get to see Max without the plexiglass division between us. It took some major work from Marcum and him finessing government officials, but I get an hour to touch and hold Max. He can finally feel his daughter move. As the guard leads to a small closed off room, I am filled with excitement and nerves. I need this to work. I need this to get through to Max; to give him hope.

The door opens, and Max is sitting at a table, looking angry. He always looks so angry these days.

“I'll be right outside, Ms. Oliver. I told Marcum I'd do my best to give you an hour but if the men can't keep the supervisor busy I'll have to come in and get you early. They only gave us the go ahead for fifteen minutes,” the guard says.

“I understand. Thank you, Andy,” I tell him, wishing he would leave already.

“What's going on Tess?” Max asks, his voice darker than I remember.

“Marcum fixed it so we could spend our time today just the two of us.”

“Why?”

“Gee, Mad Max. I've missed you too.”

“You shouldn't be here. I told you last time, to quit coming. There's nothing here for you, Tess.

“The man I love is here. The father of my child is here, Max.”

“We were wrong, Tess. There’s no guarantee of when I’ll get out of here. Hell, our child could be in high school. Do you seriously think you can continue living like this? You need to grow up.”

“It’s just a year, Max and then…”

“And then, nothing. Don’t you get it, Kitten? I murdered someone with my bare hands. Then, I escaped. That’s all they see. That’s it. I’m just a number, another worthless piece of scum in the system. The year will come and go and then it will be just like before. A parade of parole hearings where nothing changes.”

“That’s not true, Max! I told you before. I could have got you on parole that day. I know it! You just need to play the system, sweetheart.”

“You need to quit dreaming, Tess. This isn’t a f*cking fairytale. There is no happy ever after coming for me. You need to find a man and get that white picket fence you’ve been dreaming of. It’s not with me. It will never be with me.”

Tears are pulled up from my soul. Each word he utters in that cold, dead voice he’s using with me now, cuts me open and makes me bleed.

“Stop it, Max. Just stop it,” I plead, not wanting to hear this. I’m going nowhere, and he’s wasting our time. He loves me; I know he does.

“Stop what? Making you face reality? I told you that day before this all went down. Don’t you remember, Tess? I told you not to forget who I was. I told you. I’m a murderer. I’m property of the state of Florida now. I have nothing for you. Nothing.”

“You’re my heart! You’re my home, Max! Jesus, we’re having a baby!” I yell, walking to stand in front of him, needing to erase the distance between us—both physical and the kind he’s trying to put there.

“No, we’re not, Tess. I haven’t been there for anything but laying the dick to you. Don’t you get it? Hell, I can give you more of that here today if you want it. Just strip.”

“Max…” I’m physically hurting from his continued words. I didn’t envision today going like this. I had built up so much in my mind. None of it was like this. This is slowly destroying me.

“That’s all I am, Tess. A willing dick.”

I grab his hand and place it on my stomach. On cue, our baby kicks against his hand. Something flashes in Max’s eyes before the mask slams back into place and his hand curls into a fist and yanks away from me. I don’t give up. I can’t.

“That’s our baby, Max. Ours. You’re a father. You may not be with us right now, but you will be, sweetheart. You will be, and then we can finally live our lives….”

“I’m a sperm donor, Tess. That’s it. I’m going to be nothing in that child’s life. I told you.”

“No! You’re the man I love, the man I gave my body to!”

“A willing dick, who enjoyed the f*ck out of getting inside you. That’s it. “Go ahead, Kitten. Strip for me and I’ll give it to you here. Hell, it’s been a long dry spell for me. You might be enough to tide me over so I won’t have to use my own hand for a few weeks.”