Pull (Seaside #2)(44)

Her eyes flashed, and she pushed against my chest. “What makes you the expert? Huh? You have no idea! I mean, you said so yourself! You lost your girlfriend, but you weren’t even with her at the time! You don’t understand!”

I could tell I was pushing her toward the edge, and even though what she said hurt, I knew that if I didn’t allow her to snap she would stay in her tiny little bubble and never fulfill whatever her purpose was for her life.

She reminded me of baby eagles; the moms push them out of the nest the in hopes they will learn to fly. The babies constantly fall, but eventually after one final push, they make it and learn to survive on their own.

Alyssa needed to get out of her nest.

Shit. I needed to get out of my nest. Everything I said to her I was saying to myself too. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and live your life, you ass!

Sometimes, when love pushes you, it’s time to pull until you snap. I was going to be the catalyst for that, why? Because I cared, possibly loved her too much to see her continue this way.

“You’re being selfish,” I said, releasing her body so she could get away from me. “You think living like this is protecting his memory? Would he want this from you? Would he want you to sit in his sweatshirt every night crying over him? Would he be proud of the life you lived, Alyssa?”

“Stop, just stop!” Alyssa started sobbing. “I hate you! Just leave me alone!”

“No, you think you’re the only one in the entire freaking universe who’s ever experienced pain and loss. How selfish of a mindset do you have to have to believe that? Hmm? What about his parents? Do you even know what it’s like to lose a child?”

“Of course not! And neither do you!”

I swallowed and tried to calm my heart, but it was still racing. “Actually, I do.” I approached her with my hands up as I felt tears well in my eyes. “And believe me, it really was my fault.

All my fault. The entire thing. I did it. A mess of my own making, and a little boy died because of it. He would have been my son. I mean, I was going to help her raise the baby even though he wasn’t mine. Even though he was my brother’s. So betrayal? Lies? Losing a child? Yeah, I think I get it, Lyss. So next time you start to feel sorry for yourself, next time you allow yourself to feel the raw pain of guilt, maybe you should think just for a second that the world is only what you make it. You live in hell because you choose it.”

“And what are you offering?” Alyssa turned away. “Heaven in your arms.” Her lips pulled back into a scowl.

“No.” I shook my head and sat on her bed. “I’m offering you peace.”

Tear streamed down her face as she walked up to me and slapped me hard across the cheek. It stung, but she was tiny, and I knew she was just acting out. It broke my heart into a million pieces to see her hurt like that.

“Do you feel better, now?” Hit me. I wanted to scream, Hit me! If my pain would cause her relief, I was ready for it. I wanted it.

“No.” She cried into her hands. “I’m sorry. I just reacted. I just…” She fell to the floor. “I’m just so messed up.”

I knelt down next to her and pulled her into my lap.

“Welcome to the land of the living, sweetheart. Everyone’s messed up. It’s what makes us human.”

She shook in my arms. I whispered things in her ear and rubbed her head as she sank into my arms.

“I just…” she sighed. “I just need to fix things. I want to feel like myself again. I don’t want to be broken, but then I’m afraid that if I get fixed —”

“You’ll forget him,” I answered for her.

“Yeah.” She shrugged. “The pain sucks, but it’s better than forgetting him like everyone else does. I feel crazy sometimes, like I’m the only one who cares about what happened. Everyone else just keeps moving on with life, and I feel like I can’t because I feel so guilty all the time.”

“He wouldn’t want you to,” I answered using my thumbs to rub away the tears from her cheeks. “Believe me, he loved you. I mean, who wouldn’t? I love you, and you’re kind of a mess…”

Holy crap. I just admitted that out loud, and I believed every word, because it was true.

Her eyes got really wide and then she looked away from me.

“I don’t feel very lovable.”

“Okay, get ready because I’m going to only do this once.”

“Huh?”

“I’m going to act really smart right now. I’m just preparing you, because it doesn’t happen often. If you want to take a picture to document it, I’m okay with it, just don’t sell it online.”

“You’re insane.” She giggled through her tears.

I shrugged, because really, she kind of made me feel insane.

“Some scientists did this psychological experiment with dogs—”

“Did you just say psychological?”

“Shut up and listen,” I ordered and cleared my throat. “My mind is a little fuzzy on the particulars, but scientists would put a dog in a box, and then put a divider in the middle with its food on the other side. The scientists wouldn’t necessarily abuse the dog, but they would shock it over and over again each time it crossed into the other part of the box. Finally, they stopped shocking it, and showed the dog that it was safe, that it could cross over and get its food, but it refused to move. Even though there wasn’t a threat anymore, even though everything was fine. It’s a type of classical conditioning. You get burned so much that even when there isn’t any danger, you cower in the corner.” Wow. I can’t believe I remembered that from last year’s psychology class.